"Bazinga!"

Narcissists don't want to really help people and they certainly do not want to challenge a real bad guy because that could mean actually getting hurt! So they create bad guys out of safe people who they think won't challenge them because the narcissist is looking for an easy win that will allow them to shine.

They just make up stuff about their victim; voila, instant bad guy! The glory-hound narcissist will also deliberately overreact in public to perceived insults and 'crimes' to appear strong but they will only do so when the person they are confronting seems non-threatening.

For the narcissist to play the part of hero effectively, they expect their victims (the chosen bad guys) to follow their rules. You have to let them win. You have to act scared. You have to be cowed as they rage at you. You have to apologize. You have to admit fault even when you are not wrong. You have to be defeated because they have to win and that means you have to lose. You must lose face. You must lose ground. You must lose period.

That is why it is very common for narcissistic people to have their favorite bad guys that they attack and accuse on a regular basis. They aren't as eager to confront the unknown. They might misjudge and have real fight on their hands. So they train people in their lives to be the bad guys; people they have constant access to; people they can brainwash.

So if you are with someone who always makes you the bad guy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, you are most likely being used by a narcissist.

Fixers

Tornado

Expressing our emotions to a narcissist involves our vulnerability and trust that we will be

honored. It's a reaction that we have every right to expect when we are "close" to people. 

People aren't perfect; so they're going to hurt us. We were all healthy enough when we 

were first accosted by a narcissist. We were willing to forgive the ways the hurt us from the 

very beginning. 


The problem wasn't that we didn't forgive enough, the problem is that we were abused 

instead of being listened to and respected. Its just one of the many ways that narcissists 

erode our confidence and ability to defend ourselves against future attacks and/or leave. 


Narcissists can't accept that they're less than perfect, even though they may be trying to act 

like a person who doesn't care that much about "perfection" or "their image". Ignore the 

words, and look at the ACTIONS. They all say "perfectionism"; thus, when you express 

your feelings of negativity about a narcissist, they are inordinantly hurt and ATTACK back. 

Because they believe that You are just as intentionally abusive as they are - they'll justify 

abusing you by saying that you "deserved it". When all that's happening in reality is that a 

narcissist can't take criticism (being less than perfect) they feel it as a huge injury and they 

lash back in an over exaggerated manner. 


It's a TWISTED world they live in - and one that twists us, while we are in it. You can't be 

CENTERED when living in the eye of a tornado.

thank you darkness.

'You are not alone, you are not crazy, and someday you will start to whisper thank you to the darkness... thank you to the pain, the fear the struggle even thank you to the narc ....because in the darkness you will find light you never knew you had inside your heart, strength you never imagined.'


- Christie Brinkley

Lol...yerp.

Mentally disordered individuals use projection. Narcissists are some of the most adept at actively projecting what they are onto their targets. They are constantly and consistently full of accusations and criticisms, with their claims that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing - the definition of projection. They will lie to you but you will be called dishonest. They will cheat on you with a vengeance - but YOU are the cheater and sex addict. Start investigating their actions or questioning their accountability, and you are going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky, causing trouble, jealous and making up stories. Try to have a rational conversation with them - perhaps describing something hurtful they have done, NO WAY - because that makes you an abuser. You can't give them anything but glowing admiration - negative feedback will start their raging at you. You will be constantly criticized and severely and then called oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. When they say something, it's law and written in stone -- and you don't know what you are talking about --- EVER!!!

LOVE DOES NOT HURT

You can say the most loving words with sarcasm and silently communicate contempt through body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, banging dishes, stonewalling, cold shoulders, etc. There are dozens of ways to be emotionally abusive.

In some respects, emotional abuse is more devastating than physical violence, due the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves.

If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think you’re the problem.

Emotional abuse is more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.

Sound Familiar?

Male targets of narcissistic abuse may experience partners that:

Yell and scream
Threaten them and try to induce fear
Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble
Socially isolate them
Lie or withhold information
Treat them like a child or servant
Control all the finances
Beat them down emotionally, and then tell them they have no spine

Controlling and emotionally abusive behaviors perpetrated by narcissistic women may include:

Falsely accusing or threatening to accuse a man of assault on them or their children
Threatening false sexual abuse claims
Threatening to take away custody of the children
Threatening to kill themselves or others
Making the man feel like "he's crazy"
Minimizing the abuse; blaming the victim of the abuse
Playing mind games
Making the man feel guilty
Falsely obtaining a restraining order or injunction
Withholding affection
Stalking

Feelings the victim of a narcissist may feel:

Feeling edgy all the time
Feeling you can't do anything right
Feeling afraid of the narcissist and what they might say or do
Doing or avoiding certain things in order to make the narcissist happy
Lying to avoid the wrath of the narcissist
Feeling they deserve to be hurt
Wondering if you're crazy
Feeling emotionally numb, helpless or depressed
Feeling like committing suicide

Imagine that!

Dupers Delight

Sociopath dupers delight and the joy of conning someone
from Dating a Sociopath - Link Below

One thing that a sociopath feels is ‘dupers delight’. A sociopath doesn’t feel too many emotions. He can feel lots of things, anger, narcisstic rage, jealousy, paranoia, if it’s a feeling. But they don’t actually feel real feelings like other people feel. Its kind of an empty space.

Because of this sociopaths struggle with boredom and ways to get excitement. One way that they can get a rush is by manipulation and deceit, and deliberately conning someone. This is called dupers delight. The rush that they feel when they are conning someone who they feel is more stupid, and can’t see through their lies.

When found out, they do not feel bad for hurting you and they do not feel remorse or shame. Instead they feel a rush of endorphins, which for a sociopath is described as dupers delight.

This can be addictive. An addiction to experiencing that rush of endorphins. And so, they repeat this behaviour again, and again.

This is one of the reasons why sociopaths cannot be rehabilitated. They cannot change, because they feel empty inside, they become addicted to this rush of adrenaline that they feel by conning someone. To them, it is your own fault for being so stupid, and so gullible, and if you take them back, they will only do the same thing over again, thinking you must be even more stupid than they thought you were originally.

They will make empty false promises, that they will change, that they have changed. But these are merely just words. A sociopath lives on words. Unfortunately, there is rarely any correlation between words and actions.

A sociopath takes great joy, in conning, manipulating, deceiving. He enjoys abusing your sense of ‘trust’. He knows that your thinking process is that everybody can be trusted. The sociopath knows that this is not true. The more that the sociopath gets away with this behaviour, the happier he is, and the bigger the con, the greater the dupers delight he experiences.

To the sociopath, he thinks that he is superior to you, more clever than you, and that he has the ability to be something that you cannot. In some senses this is true. It is rarely a good thing. If you catch the sociopath with that little wry smile, be careful, he might be getting an adrenaline rush, and internally having a rush from yet again being able to get away with his lying, deceit, conning, and gaming.

What's it like to waste people, narc?

One of the hardest parts about healing is realizing how much of your loving energy was wasted. In an abusive relationship, you try harder than ever before. And not only are these efforts unappreciated, they are spat back in your face with venomous contempt. This is why survivors often feel constantly fatigued and anxious - they are conditioned to believe that nothing they do will ever be good enough. In reality, there are millions of goodhearted people out there who would not only appreciate, but also reciprocate your love and better yet: generate it on their own. You are probably used to inspiring others, which feels hollow and exhausting after abuse. This is your soul trying to tell you: Relax. Let someone else do the inspiring for once.

Malignant Narcissism

The Entitled: A common mask of the toxic Narcissist

 When dealing with someone who feels they can make their own set of rules and that they should be able to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. They feel superior as if they deserve a special set of rules and treatment. They easily become indignant and petulant when someone suggests that they don’t quite agree with the narcissist’s superiority complex.

The concept of give & take reciprocity is entirely lost on a narcissist. Because they believe that you owe them to be subservient to their needs, wants and whims – they view your attempt to get reciprocal action as an affront, insult and control move. How DARE you take something the narcissist deserves away from them! They have serious trouble being on the receiving end of the word NO and are very acidic and downright abusive with their response and furthermore feel NO REMORSE for their inability to empathize with others.

Before you even attempt to point this out to them, rest assured that YOU will be accused of doing exactly what they are actively engaged in doing right that moment. They will tell you that YOU throw temper tantrums because you've been told no. They will tell you that YOU are being controlling. They will tell you that YOU are petulant, obtuse, and dramatic. They will tell you that YOU don't know how to cooperate, and that YOU are being selfish and thinking only of yourself and your own wants. They will insist that THEY are kind, compassionate, cooperative, and selfless. They will even tell you that YOU like rewrite and revise events to fit your delusions. They basically will list out all of their own sins and point them all at you. They simply speak to mirrors and don't realize how far out of reality they really are.

How Targets Respond Emotionally To The Bait & Switch

The narcissist doesn’t feel bound by the same rules we do. The tactics they use to manipulate us are unfair and duplicitous. The narcissist’s disordered personality does not allow for open discussion, honest sharing, or the normal give and take of healthy relationships.

Insecurity

When the narcissist is performing the disappearance act, the instability of their mood, the unreliability of their presence left you feeling alone and insecure. These feelings can connect you to another time in your life where you felt alone and insecure, amplifying your anxiety. When you mention your feelings of the impact of the narcissist’s departure, you are shut down. You’re called names, told you are insecure for no reason (as if you suddenly started acting insecure in reaction to nothing) and let you know what a bother your feelings are; which further increase your sense of insecurity. Even though they blame and shame you, this isn’t an internal insecurity, it is insecurity about the reliability of this relationship and the narcissist.


Intimidated

When narcissists ask for your opinion, they do it to engage in battle rather than engage in conversation, they can be downright intimidating. They coax you into the water, only to find that you’re having your toe bit off by a piranah. You start to realize that the narcissist doesn’t ask for your opinion to really HEAR it, they elicit any kind of input from you to do two things: CONTROL AND BELITTLE YOU. This reaction serves to teach you that in the future – your input will not be valued nor required. Just sit there and look pretty. I often told the narcissist that abused me that he treated me like a vase on a shelf. Pretty to look at, well placed and permanently available to him to pick off the shelf whenever he needed something from me. I was not to have a life outside of being that vase that couldn’t move.

Resentment

When the narcissist goes back and forth between Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde, your anger and resentment go through the roof! How dare he treat you like a subservient object, then waltz back in as if nothing happened, simply because he needs some feel good from you. It’s exasperating. Their pure selfishness and inability to see things from your point of view, is AGGRAVATING! It’s important to get resolve when you’ve had a misunderstanding with a person. You want them to hear your side of things and understand your needs, so that in the future, this hurt can be avoided. With a narcissist, it falls on deaf ears, because their ONLY reason for wanting a disagreement to be over, is so their IV drip of honey from your arm, is uninterrupted.

Provocation

How does the narcissist manage to turn on the superficial charm again and again while abusing you simultaneously? And why do we fall for it time and time again? It’s not because we’re foolish, it’s because we want to be loved, it feels good to be cared for, to have the love we feel for the narcissist returned to us, its nice to have moments of kindness even if they’re short lived. To suddenly have the narcissist turn on us while we’re least expecting it, is a truly unfair and cruel provocation.

Powerlessness

The Devil’s advocate tactic is a way of elevating their unique and special form of knowledge on whatever topic they’re pontificating about. You feel like you’re in a no win situation. If you don’t concede, they’ll keep you up all night proving their point. You just want the madness to stop, so you acquiesce. It just seems easier. Your feelings can resonate back to those of a child, how powerless children are to have any say in matters of importance, and with a narcissist, of non-importance. If you learned to subjugate your voice to a narcissistic person in your past, you’ll surely do it again in the presence of this narcissist’s sheer will to be in control of EVERYTHING; even your opinions.

Fake & Take

Faux empathy is when a person gives the appearance of being empathetic – so thoughtful, caring, considerate etc – but is doing it in a surface way to extract something from you. If you’ve ever had what appeared to be empathy only for that person to say or do something not long after that left you with your head spinning in confusion, you’ve experienced faux empathy.

Words say plenty, but actions are irrefutable...

Because of your partner’s pathological narcissism, you are expected to do for them and honor them and sing their praises while basically, you receive nothing in return. Oh sure, they likely provides you with a roof over your head—perhaps even quite a nice one at that. There might be other impressive material things they provides, too. After all, if they suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism, they might want you encased in designer labels as well as to have diamonds flashing on your fingers and ears because these speak to others of their financial success. They may or may not be what you want to wear, however.

When you are the partner of a narcissist, you are there to project the image he wants for you—that he wants his partner to project. Of course, your house and lifestyle probably fall into this category, too. They are all about making statements to others he wishes to impress, not about providing you with the type of environment you might find comfortable or restful--an environment that feeds your soul.

Again, while the material things your narcissistic spouse provides might look good to the outside world, they likely will miss the nark with you. Nonetheless, he doesn’t care because indeed, it isn’t about you. How could you ever make such a mistake in thinking that it was? No indeed, it is all about him and his needs. And so, your narcissistic partner won’t care that you never receive the love and the emotional support you need to thrive. He doesn’t care that he has drained the emotional bank account dry—that you finally collapse, emotionally and physically depleted. You are both expendable and replaceable, my dear, because indeed, the narcissist you are merely an object to be used—not a human being with needs and feelings.

Says magic isn't real...then engages in magical thinking.

Without Narcissistic Supply – the narcissist crumbles, like the zombies or the vampires one sees in horror movies. It is terrifying and the narcissist will do anything to avoid it. Think about the narcissist as a drug addict. His withdrawal symptoms are identical: delusions, physiological effects, irritability, emotional lability.

Narcissists often experience brief, de-compensatory psychotic episodes when their psyche is disassembled – either deliberately in therapy or following a life-crisis accompanied by a major narcissistic injury.

These psychotic episodes may be closely allied to another feature of narcissism: magical thinking. Narcissists are like children in this sense. Many, for instance, fully believe in two things: that whatever happens – they will prevail and that good things will always happen to them. It is more than a belief, really. Narcissists just KNOW it, the same way one knows gravity – directly, immediately and surely.

The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, always come on top. The narcissist is, therefore, fearless in a manner perceived by others to be both admirable and insane. He attributes to himself divine and cosmic immunity – he cloaks myself in it, it renders him invisible to his enemies and to the powers of "evil". It is a childish phantasmagoria – but to the narcissist it is very real.

Poisonous parasite.

Psychopaths poison minds—that is their greatest skill. After they sink their claws into you, they begin to twist your words and manipulate your mind. You will never again experience someone who so carefully manufactures your every thought. Once you are free from their calculated games, you will be horrified to discover how deeply you were triangulated against perfectly good people, and led into a constant state of negativity & anxiety. And when the parasite is gone from your life for good, your free-will slowly returns as the false reality finally comes crashing down. You realize it was not you and the psychopath against the world—it was only the psychopath against you.

Cockroaches

Keep in mind, that whatever you do know about the psychopath, it is only the very tip of the iceberg. There are many more things below the surface that they have done and are capable of that you will never know about. You will never discover or understand the complete depths of their depravity. The memories that already make you sick are nothing compared to what you don't know. Their lies and schemes are like cockroaches. Where you see one or two, there are thousands more you can't see.

Communicating with a Sociopath

I've spent years trying to create and maintain healthy boundaries with my ex-husband.   It’s a daily task requiring me to stay on guard at all times. I have to carefully edit and dissect every email or text that I send him to make sure that I am not being too friendly, engaging him in any way, or inviting further interaction. I avoid all face-to-face interaction in order to prevent him from trying to intimidate or manipulate me.

This is quite draining, since it is an unnatural way of communicating with another human being.  But, communication with a sociopath is not anything like communication with a normal person.

He will look for ‘hidden meanings’ that are not there, he will use words and phrases that push my emotional buttons, or he will talk in riddles that imply a message that he won’t ever say explicitly.  This is his way of setting up a possible scenario where he can twist the truth, change his meaning, accuse, blame, ridicule, you name it.

This is a favorite game of his, and I sense the trap so often that I actually begin to feel paranoid, until I talk to a ‘normal’ person.  It doesn't take long to reinforce what a healthy relationship sounds and feels like.  But, a sociopath has the uncanny ability to manipulate us into questioning the one thing that is the very essence of our survival: instinct.

False Allegations

Woman Admits to False Allegations

Beam her up!

Narcissists Believe

Narcissists Believe

…that their every emotion is deeply important, but everyone else is “overreacting”…that rules are for everyone but them.…that wherever they are, they’re the best person to take over the show immediately.…the most valuable thing other people can do is give them attention and serve them.

…that those in positions of influence never deserve their roles.

…that everyone is boring, stupid, unappealing, wrong – except them

.…that anyone opposing their views is bad, and must be stopped.

…that the wrong things they do are fair, and the fair things you do are wrong.

…if they can’t be worshiped, they should be pitied (for not being justifiably worshiped).

…that all relationships (even family) are competitive games of control they must “win”.

…that people have 2 choices – provide admiration/empathy, or experience retribution.

…that boundaries are an attack.

…that there’s always SOMETHING they can use as a “reason” to look down on someone.

…that a compliment is something people have to say to get what they want.

…that all the less-worthy people need to get out of their way.

…that therapy is for inferior people (you), or for confirming their beliefs & victimhood.

…that everyone around them must either submit or be banished.

Loser delusions.

Psychopaths are Losers who view themselves as Leaders. As we’ve seen, unless there’s a specific advantage for him, a psychopath never admits to being wrong, to doing wrong, to having wronged anyone. Whatever he does wrong to others–cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally and physically–he manages to project blame on the victims and on those around them. In fact, the psychopath will see his cowardly actions as superior; on a higher plane of existence than the rest of humanity. Rather than seeing himself as the pathological person that he is–essentially, a Loser who spends his life parasitically using and taking advantage of others–the psychopath is likely to see and describe himself as a maverick: a lone dissenter, a willfully independent hero “ahead of the pack,” who rejects the dated and commonplace notions of right and wrong and of truth and falsehood. Ethical human beings, who care about others, are considered by the psychopath and his followers “moralistic” and “narrow-minded”.

Like the Nietzschean Superman, the psychopath considers himself beyond the norms of good and evil: except, of course, when it comes to double standards, since no psychopath would want others to use, manipulate, deride and hurt him as he does them. The underlying narcissism that leads the psychopath to focus only on his desires, pleasures and needs also blinds him to his faults and protects him from self-blame.

He re-frames reality to fit with his narcissistic delusions. Sleaziness, violence, stalking and perversion--sadistic games played at other people’s expense–are framed as “hedonism”,  ”childlike innocence and playfulness” or “libertine freedom”. Lies are framed as “creative interpretations of reality” or clever “modes of persuasion”. Manipulativeness, slander and back-stabbing become, in his deranged mind, “Machiavellianism” or “cunning”. As the psychopath’s idiotic grins which often accompany his malicious actions reveal time after time, his behavior and intentions are as far removed from “childlike” or “harmless fun” as possible. “Freedom” too is a meaningless concept, given that his main goal is to trample on the freedom and rights of others. He intends to control and harm others: control by harming them, to be precise.

Consternation.

Psychopaths don’t create love bonds with others. They establish dominance bonds instead. When those controlled by a psychopath disapprove of his actions or sever the relationship, sometimes he’ll experience anger. But his immediate reaction is more likely to be surprise or consternation. Psychopaths can’t believe that their bad actions, which they always consider justifiable and appropriate, could ever cause another human being who was previously under their spell to disapprove of their behavior and reject them. Even if they cheat, lie, use, manipulate or isolate others, they don’t feel like they deserve any repercussions as a result of that behavior. In addition, psychopaths rationalize their bad actions as being in the best interest of their victims.

For instance, if a psychopath isolates his partner from her family and persuades her to quit her job and then, once she’s all alone with him, abandons her to pursue other women, he feels fully justified in his conduct. In his mind, she deserved to be left since she didn’t satisfy all of his needs or was somehow inadequate as a mate. In fact, given his sense of entitlement, the psychopath might even feel like he did her a favor to remove her from her family and friends and to leave her alone in the middle of nowhere, like a wreck displaced by a tornado. Thanks to him, she can start her life anew and become more independent.

To put it bluntly, a psychopath will kick you in the teeth and expect you to say “Thank you.” Being shameless and self-absorbed, he assumes that all those close to him will buy his false image of goodness and excuse his despicable actions just as he does. In fact, he expects that even the women he’s used and discarded continue to idealize him as a perfect partner and eagerly await his return. That way he can continue to use them for sex, money, control, his image or any other services if, when and for however long he chooses to return into their lives.

When those women don’t feel particularly grateful—when, in fact, they feel only contempt for him–the psychopath will be initially stunned that they have such a low opinion of him. He will also feel betrayed by these women, or by family members and friends who disapprove of his reprehensible behavior. Although he, himself, feels no love and loyalty to anyone, a psychopath expects unconditional love and loyalty from all those over whom he’s established a dominance bond.

This mindset also explains psychopaths’ behavior in court. Both Scott Peterson and Neil Entwistle seemed outraged that the jury found them guilty of murder. Psychopaths believe that those whom they have hurt, and society in general, should not hold them accountable for their misdeeds. After all, in their own minds, they’re superior to other human beings and therefore above the law. How dare anybody hold them accountable and punish them for their crimes!

All those elephants in the room....

If you've ever found yourself in a conversation with a person who "just can't understand" how to communicate in an authentic or seem incapable of grasping simple courtesies in communication, don't automatically assume, they GENUINELY don't understand, if you've attempted to explain yourself one or two times.

Narcissists are MASTERS at PURPOSEFULLY appearing obtuse, when in fact, they know EXACTLY what you're trying to say; they just don't want to hear it.

Even your lies are...credible. Amazing logic.

Narcissists can't BELIEVE when others find their victims 'CREDIBLE'. They spent so much of the abusive relationship trying to ENSURE that they'd NEVER be seen as credible.

Pity for the Boot Licker?

Narcissist's don't have "friends" they surround themselves with Syc·o·phants and other boot lickers.

/ˈsikəfənt,-ˌfant/

1. a person who acts obsequiously toward someone deemed as important in order to gain an advantage 
2. a servile self-seeking flatterer 

What would you call the people that cling to narcissists despite evidence to suggest that they will be used, exploited and abused?

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Abuse is one of the most gut wrenching issues in our times. Whether it is the abuse of a child, a women, an elder or a man, it is heinous. Abuse comes in three main forms: physical, sexual and psychological (also known as emotional abuse.). It is the mental and emotional abuse caused by a spouse’s deliberate attempt to destroy the Targeted Parent in the eyes of the children that will be the focus of this chapter. Parental Alienation, also classified as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, Enmeshed Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions, Relationship Triangles and Alienation, is a growing epidemic in divorce proceedings. It is time to change this and make a difference for the children and Targeted Parent of these psychological abuses.

During a high conflict divorce involving visitation or custody, there are more false cases of domestic violence and abuse filed according to the various departments of protection and the courts. (DHHS, 2001 Statistics) This issue is one of international alarm because false reporting takes massive amounts of resources away from true victims. In addition, the psychological ramifications and loss of reputation for the accused can ruin their lives forever, which is usually the intention with the false allegations. Unfortunately, these types of abusers drag their innocent children into their bogus stories, which force the children to lie and go through horrendous tests and interviews, which emotionally scar them for life. Even if the accused parent has not committed the crime, the accusations cost the accused thousands of dollars and years to prove their innocence, while the abuser commits defamation and slander. By all documented accounts, (see Fiebert’s Reference) it is apparent that the gender of the abuser does not matter. Both genders are equally aggressive using both physical and psychological abuse.

It is the mental end of this abuse that Bill Kuhl speaks about in his article “Violence Knows no Gender”. Abusers are devious and use covert physical attacks to catch their prey off guard. Kuhl refers to this as the “element of surprise”. (Kuhl, Violence Knows No Gender) This is not only devious but also psychologically stressful. The targeted parent never knows if and when it is coming or how; much like a soldier during a sniper attack. They must live their lives as if they are constantly at war, on edge and in fear. Psychologically they become worn out with nowhere to turn to for help.

This psychological abuse and the toll that these victims pay come at a great price. If they stay, they chance being seriously injured if not killed. If they leave, they are faced with the humiliation of ‘allowing’ someone to abuse them. In the course of this, they will lose everything, including their children. Most victims stay in their abusive marriages for the same reason; that is they have nowhere to go, are being threatened with losing everything, scared for their children and have been beaten down emotionally and they can no longer stand on their own anymore. For men this is a double indemnity, because it is the humiliation and ridicule that a woman has abused them, which prevents most men from reporting the abuse they encounter and prohibits them from leaving home. For women, it is not so much the humiliation as the fear of further attacks as well as fear of not being able to make it on their own. The one fear that stigmatizes both genders is the loss of their children and that relationship.

When a parent is denied a relationship, it is the same as isolating the children from the parent. It can be legally termed as an alienation of affection, criminally referred to as domestic violence and psychologically referred to as Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome (soon to be in the DSM V), Hostile Aggressive Parenting, an Enmeshed Relationship, Triangles in Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions or Alienation and Denigration. No matter what it is named, it is not only abusive to the Targeted Parent (TP), but also abusive to the children. The Alienating Parent (AP) sees the children and/or their relationship with the other parent as a possession that they have power over, which in turn controls the TP. By refusing to allow a healthy relationship to exist between the children and the TP, the AP maintains a sense of control and what they feel is a bargaining chip to possess the other parent. Whether it is returning the TP to the AP’s life or revenge ‘for not loving them anymore’, the AP has absolutely no regard for any of the other victims. Their only goal is to destroy the TP anyway they can.

This abuse is so subtle and slow, that when the parent realizes what is occurring, it is often too late and the children are refusing to have a relationship with the TP, especially in the case of high conflict divorce with custody/visitation issues. The once naturally healthy relationship and bonds of a parent with their offspring have been destroyed; their children’s lives are filled with treachery and uncharted waters. The psychological community is just now beginning to understand the ramifications of this type of abuse, while examining a definition to be included in the DSM. Alienation is an insidious type of abuse because proving its existence is a nightmare that is still on going. The psychological community is baffled as to how to stop it and correct the damages to the children.

PAS OR PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME DEFINED

Dr. Richard Gardner, of Creskill, NJ, a child psychologist, was one of the leading authorities on children of dysfunctional families. What he found in his research is that no matter the financial or cultural background, alienation of one parent from the other could occur. (www.rgardner.com)

According to Dr. Richard Gardner, PAS is described as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) In effect, these children are taught to hate the other parent to the point of wanting to eliminate them from their lives. Dr. Gardner considers this psychological abuse and it is the only form of psychological abuse that has clear-cut unmistakable signs and symptoms and therefore the only psychological abuse that can be easily diagnosed.

PAS can be further described as a form of psychological kidnapping (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) where the child’s mind has been forced to prejudicially believe and discriminate against the other parent. This is perpetrated by creating fear, not of the only of the TP/outsider parent, but of the parent whom the child must reside with, or as Gardner calls it, the “hostage taker” parent. (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) It is also called the Stockholm Syndrome and best compared to the Patti Hearst kidnapping.

In these cases, the hostages are so isolated from the outside world that they begin to associate with their hostage takers. Actually refusing to accept any overt actions from the outside that contradict their captor’s motives. This has been documented in cult situations where the followers are literally brainwashed to believe that the cults objectives are the only way to think, act or believe.

This also applies in PAS where the children learn to side with the aggressor and avoid being victims of the same abuse. As Roland Summit (Kemp, P. 16) and John Briere (Kemp, P. 239-240) call it, Abuse-Related Accommodation. Abuse-related accommodation occurs when a person’s natural survival instincts have enabled them to “adapt” to the abuse. This adaptation includes distortions of thought, altered emotions (such as depression and anxiety), and dissociation by disconnecting from the trauma. It is these adaptive techniques that will determine whether a child will develop personality disorders such as multiple personalities, anti-social behaviors or psychotic tendencies. (Kemp P. 239). Briere further breaks it down into 3 stages of adaptation. First is the initial reaction stage of fear, anxiety, hurt, betrayal or abandonment, because they are so isolated they have nowhere to turn. In the second stage, accommodation to on-going abuse, they try to pacify and soothe the abuser. With children of PAS this might be avoiding issues that trigger anger, such as positive comments about the other parent. Finally in the 3rd stage called Long-Term Elaboration and Secondary accommodation, the victims life centers around avoiding and living with the abuse, which now affects every mechanism for coping and behavior. The abuse actually becomes so internalized that their entire world changes to accommodate it. A PAS victimized child might denigrate and spew hatred about the targeted parent with no valid and justifiable reasons.

No matter how we describe it or compare it, the ultimate truth is that PAS destroys the children and the parents it is directed at. Despite our courts supposed protection of children from this kind of abuse, it is happening even more. This type of abuse is directly correlated with marital issues involving parental separation, divorce, custody and visitation. It became even more prevalent in the 60’s with the introduction of No-Fault Divorce. Despite the high incidence of this type of abuse, it is barely recognized in the courts until recently when it passed the Frye Test, to determine admissibility of scientific evidence, validating its existence (wwwr.gardner.com/ref/pas), which now permits it’s open testimony and use in court. With the passage of the Frye test, the State of Connecticut mandated Court Support Family Services to get training in Parental Alienation Syndrome. Unfortunately, at present this training is very inadequate and riddled with missing data. If only we can finally get the courts to put aside their prejudices against men and non-custodial parents.

SO HOW DO WE RECOGNIZE AND DIAGNOSE PAS?

The following is a list of behaviors exhibited by children of PAS according to Richard Gardner. See link below. www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html)

1) A campaign of denigration

2) Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation.

3) Lack of Ambivalence

4) The “independent thinker” phenomenon

5) Reflexive support of the AP in the parental conflict

6) Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the Alienated Parent

7) The presence of borrowed scenarios

 Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the Alienated Parent.

In effect, PAS is a form of prejudice and discrimination that isolates the children from the TP, and extended family and friends. Through a series of actions, the alienating parent is able to influence the children to hate the targeted parent and extended family. In particular, the AP instills such loathing and anger toward the TP that it could easily be classified as a hate crime.

CLASSIFYING PAS AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

According to Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of Maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36) Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of Child Psychological Maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to PAS showing it as a form of Domestic Violence via Psychological Maltreatment. This book is a technical training book for Students studying for their Masters in Counseling and Social Work. It is just one of many textbooks used to teach the students and professionals about Psychological Maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Those categories are:

• Rejecting (spurning)

• Terrorizing

• Corrupting

• Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability

• Unreliable and inconsistent parenting

• Mental health, medical, or educational neglect

• Degrading/devaluing (spurning)

• Isolating

• Exploiting

As we correlate the above definition, we will see how it fits in classifying PAS as Psychological Maltreatment and thus Domestic Violence. For example, by deliberately alienating the victims from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring. The whole premise of PAS is to isolate and alienate the children from the Targeted Parent or any other individual who supports the Targeted Parent. If the alienator uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the victims to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing. (Kemp, P. 225-228) As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the Targeted Parent is very prominent and a key indicator of PAS. In addition, DV includes the exploitation and use of the children for personal gain. Thus in PAS when the children are used to destroy the Targeted Parent by denying visitation or a relationship between TP and the children or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in affect committing Domestic Violence. It is for these reasons that PAS or alienating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Let’s take this a bit further in it’s application. When a parent REJECTS a child because the children show any love or affection for the Targeted Parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection, but TERRORIZATION. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the Targeted Parents home for fear of losing the Alienating Parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Next, there is CORRUPTING. When an Alienating parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the children they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the children that they are above the law and therefore immune to the courts authority. When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the children to do the same, this is corruption. When an Alienating parent tells the children lies about the Targeted Parent, and that anything having to do with the Targeted Parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting. In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the children’s minds.

Next, let’s look at DENYING ESSENTIAL STIMULATION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS, OR AVAILABILITY. By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the Targeted Parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the Alienating Parents are denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions and availability with the Targeted Parent. In fact, the Targeted Parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against the false allegations. Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the Targeted Parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the Alienator refuses their children a warm and loving relationship with the Targeted Parents. Thus it causes UNRELIABLE AND INCONSISTENT PARENTING. Since the children have been denied a relationship with the Targeted Parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the Alienating Parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

This brings us to the MENTAL, MEDICAL AND EDUCATION NEGLECT. When an Alienating Parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children's mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering. (V65.2) and by Neglect of Child (V61.21).

If despite numerous court orders or request and recommendations, the alienator continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s Targeted Parent in front of them, this behavior DEGRADES AND DEVALUES someone the children once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly want a relationship with. This disdain and disrespect for the Targeted Parent in front of the child(ren) is another form of Psychological Maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of that Targeted Parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the Targeted Parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called ISOLATION. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this refusing them visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse. This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse. (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/warsha00.htm)

And finally, EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation. When an Alienating Parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the Targeted Parent, this is EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children for monetary gains, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is EXPLOITATION.

When you add all these factors up, it is easy to see how Cross-Generational Coalitions, Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Enmeshed Relationships, Triangles and Borderless Boundaries can be classified as Child Psychological Maltreatment in a divorce situation. When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the Alienator quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, (301.7). The Alienating Parent willfully and without regard to the child(ren) or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended families welfare, continually violated their rights and disregarded their needs for a relationship. The Alienating Parent uses and exploits the children. The Alienating Parent isolates the children from a nurturing parent and family. The Alienating Parent denies the children their basic needs of love and belonging from the Targeted Parent. The Alienating Parent thus neglects the children’s mental welfare. They rejected the children’s and Targeted Parent’s testimony of love and need for each other. The Alienating Parent terrorizes and corrupts the children. The Alienating Parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own children. This all adds up to one thing, PAS is Domestic Violence in the form of Psychological Maltreatment.

Intentions like death.

Psychopaths shame & humiliate their targets, because this solidifies their dominance in the relationship. If you are thrown into an embarrassing situation, feeling less than human, then you suddenly start to feel inferior to the person who orchestrated it all to begin with. You strive to meet their impossible standards, doing everything you can to prove yourself better than your past "mistakes". You begin to realize that all of the secrets you shared with your once trusted partner are now being judged & used against you. They've discovered what makes you tick, and they use this information to manufacture lose-lose situations and watch you self-destruct. Ideally, there will be an audience of their friends and yours, to finalize the triangulation and crazy-making behavior. You will find that no healthy human being focuses so aggressively on your negative aspects. Once this toxic person is removed from your life, there will be so many others who love & appreciate the qualities that your abuser intentionally ignored.

Curious, indeed.

It's CURIOUS how a narcissist claims to have a stalker or be the one who was victimized, yet THEY NEVER seek any help for the said "abuse" nor do ANYTHING to give back to other targets. 

Whereas the REAL TARGET seeks to understand, seeks help, seeks answers to the questions about WHY we were abused, what we can do to prevent it, and most importantly seek to AID those who might also be going through the same thing. 

The TRUTH is in the ACTION & DETAILS of the TRUE target; not in the lip service lies that a narcissist gives in order to escape consequences & get supply in the form of "Poor me".

Who cares, though..not you!

Dear Mrs. Delusional...

One of the symptoms of Narcissistic Pers. Disorder is delusional thinking and rationalizing. This is not the same thing as just being self-absorbed or self-centered~ those with NPD literally make up stories about themselves and others, and seem to completely believe that they're true. Whether it's intentional or not is up for speculation, however the nature of DELUSIONAL disorder is that it's NOT intentional. It's more like one part of the person's mind weaves stories about other people, situations, and themselves, and the other part of the person's mind BELIEVES these stories. As if there are TWO people involved, not just one.
The person's mind appears to be split, and one part creates the fiction, and the other part which feels like the "self" believes it and perpetuates it, retelling these stories. The more they tell them, the more real they seem, both to the person and to those being told these stories.

The Delusion takes little bits of reality and builds completely fictional stories around these little bits. Children are seen to do this in play, and also in trying to get out of consequences. Children may also do this to extol consequences on another person. It's NOT "Delusional" when children make up fantasies and act like they're real, it's part of childhood and mind development. The problem is when a person does this in adulthood, and behaves as if the stories are real.

Power - So hungry for it.

Narcissists often put certain people on high pedestals, some on the same "level" as themselves, and some in the gutter. There are no grey areas; other people aren't just PEOPLE, they're either elevated to ICON status (Guru, Great, Genius, Leader) or they're a "peer", which is not really EQUAL but more like a sidekick (apprentice, follower, sycophant, servant, object) or they get labeled "Loser" and completely devalued.

For a Narcissist to "promote" a person into a higher status is almost non-existent, but not completely impossible. However, the usual direction they will "move" others is DOWN their imaginary ladder, not UP. People aren't PEOPLE, they're characters and caricatures in the Narcissist's great theater production, where they are always the star. 

They are the ones who create the pedestals and the gutters, they are the ones who create the imaginary hierarchies we seem to end up living in and around. It all actually IS an illusion. The worship and fawning of other human beings, elevating them to some kind of god-like status, and the kicking others to the gutter like they're some kind of lower creature, are simply products of a culture filled with adults with Narcissism. 

Disgusting Parent In Disguise.

Gaslight

The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with the narcissist, where you allow them to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be.

In fact, your ego functioning has been so compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with the way the person treats you.

...

And the moron Narc will tell the world that you have Antisocial Personality Disorder and you're a hopeless drug addict who needs Jesus and counseling. It's never their malignant abuse that causes ANYTHING. Nooooo, never that.

Are you being Gaslighted?

A Loving Father Prays...

100% Perfect *girl* being the operative word...try out womanhood...

Karma

Ignoring The Soul Of Your Own Child

Gaslight for Brains

Surrrre.

Apology? Screw you! Says the Narc.

If you're waiting for an apology from the narcissist, PLEASE, just let that go now - You'll NEVER get one that means anything. Even if they say the words...they don't MEAN it.

Here's why Narcissists are incapable of ever genuinely apologizing:

1. They don't accept responsibility - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault

2. Power & Control prevents them from truly being vulnerable enough to apologize

3. Their disordered personality construct is designed NOT to tolerate shame / vulnerability. Culpability, personal self blame is required in order to feel both guilty and genuinely sorry.

4. They don't have boundaries. They don't recognize that you are a separate person. If they don't feel the hurt that they caused you, then they think YOU couldn't possibly feel it either; thus preventing them from empathizing enough to offer an apology.

5. Seared Conscience - Narcissists are incapable of answering to a Higher Power, when they believe they're their own higher power (don't listen to them tell you they're a christian - that's just another "image" they pretend to have); thus, they don't have a conscience to appeal to. With NOTHING or NO ONE to convict them of wrongdoing...they're "scott-free".

Creepy Crawly Human Mess

Most often people think of narcissists as very confident individuals.  This observation often changes with time, to viewing the individual as being arrogant; someone who brags about their accomplishments in an exaggerated fashion.  People involved with the narcissistic person often realize that the bragging or attention-seeking belies an insecurity that can never be bolstered adequately, no matter how much ego support the narcissist receives from others.

Being in the presence of an individual with a narcissistic personality for any length of time often induces feelings of insecurity, or the feeling that one is subtly being put-down, competed with, or somewhat devalued.  This is due to the narcissist's inability or refusal to see others as having as much value as they do.  If others had as much value as the narcissist, then that would make them equal.  This is unacceptable to narcissists because they have a pathological need to be seen as special, out of the ordinary, deserving of adoration.  Winning is a must.  Losing is not simply a matter of 'win some-lose some'; it is a personal affront.

The elevated airs and high self-regard of the narcissist can border on the ridiculous at times.  Most have seen the middle-aged male with the rotund waist line, chasing after attractive young ladies their daughter's age, not seeming to notice the discrepancy or that the lady finds him 'fatherly' and not the 'stud' he considers himself to be.  His self-view has not changed in that he sees himself as young and eligible, rather than middle-aged.  It is as if the narcissist is frozen in adolescence.

The myth of Narcissus gave a name and example for the syndrome of self-absorption and investment in an image rather than expression of the true self.  When narcissistic traits are more numerous and severe, they reflect an ego investment in an image and reflection of that image to the self and others, which excludes any evidence of the real self.  The narcissist is seen as preferring his own reflected image, to who s/he really is.  For example, individuals who view themselves as the 'strong silent type' often hide that they have been hurt or are emotionally fragile, and are defending against feelings of vulnerability with the tough facade.  They prefer to see themselves as impervious to mundane human feelings and so they project the image they want others to see.  This belies a belief that who they really are, is unacceptable.  It also keeps them from working through the real issues that required the implementation of a facade in the first place.

Often the true self is so hidden from the narcissist, that all s/he can do is desperately seek validation for the false self.  This validation is never enough because the real person or issue is not being addressed.  If one is reinforcing a role or image, the real self is not being nurtured.  It grows more needy and undeveloped, while the image is inflated.

Narcissism can be described as a deficit of self; as if something is missing from the inner world of the individual.  This can be difficult to grasp when one is observing the individual to express a bragging confident style.  However, when the frequent boasting or haughtiness is understood to be a bid for attention and validation from others, it becomes easier to see that there must be something missing in order to need continual validation.  One can understand this need in children, but it should be resolved by the time one is an adult.

This continual need for validation or attention can take a convoluted form and appear as a hypercritical 'discriminating' character.  Nothing ever meets the narcissist's high standards so everyone is criticized and belittled, sometimes in the guise of a joke.

In relationships the narcissist appears unable or unwilling to validate or attend to others, and appears to not even notice that others have similar, (though less intense) needs for recognition, validation, nurturing.  It has been described in the literature as the narcissistic individual feeling as if there is not enough admiration or attention to go around, so it must be grabbed up as often as can be done.  Also seen is the increased need by the narcissist for attention and adulation as s/he ages.  The partner of the narcissist often feels that the nurturing they supply is not mutual and the partner becomes 'used up' by the narcissist.  Echo in the myth, is an extreme example of being used up by a relationship with a narcissist.  Echo was so depleted that she could only echo a few words she heard from others.

Narcissists also believe that others are like themselves in hiding the real self and projecting an image.  The lack of empathy on the part of the narcissist does not allow them to understand others' emotional experiences, and they even consider evidence of emotions in others, to be weaknesses, attempts to manipulate, or fraud.  These traits or weaknesses allow the narcissist to feel justified in exploiting the partner and others, as they deserve no better, being inferior.  Interestingly, most narcissists, though appearing glib and superficially cool in most social settings, have emotional outburst that far exceed anyone they have accused of being too emotional.

Since the narcissist "sees" nothing but his or her own image, they also do not see the true self of others, so no empathy can possibly exist in a constant state of denial of feeling.  The narcissist does not really see the other person and is susceptible to other narcissists who present their false image.  The narcissistic person is more likely to buy into another's image rather than a genuine person who projects no image.

In a relationship with a narcissist, if the partner is non-narcissistic, they may not realize that there will be projections onto them by the narcissist.  A pattern of behavior seen in narcissistic people is one of denying feelings or behaviors, and projecting those onto others.  For example, if the narcissist (N for convenience) is jealous of the partner's accomplishments, the N may say that the partner is the one who is actually jealous.  This comes naturally for the N since s/he is used to denying feelings.  So when the feeling of jealousy surfaces, it is easy for the N to attribute that feeling to the partner.  This invalidates the partner, who may not be jealous of the N at all.  If the partner points this out to the N, the partner may be attacked and told their perceptions are incorrect or that in fact it is the partner who is attacking the N.  The result for the partner is crazy-making, to say the least.

According to Nancy McWilliams (McWIlliams, Nancy, Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, Gilford Press, 1994), a narcissistic individual uses another for a self-esteem maintaining function rather than perceiving the other as separate person.  It has a dehumanizing effect which accounts for some of the difficulties the narcissist has in relationships.  One is not loved for who they are, they are used for what they provide to the narcissist.

McWilliams further describes narcissists as having fragile self-esteem and "will go to great lengths to avoid acknowledging their role in anything negative that happens in their lives."  Unlike people who feel guilt and remorse for their mistakes with attempts to make amends, narcissists run from their mistakes and avoid those who would find them out.

Narcissistic individuals work to assert their independence and avoid expressing needs, as neediness would be associated with a flawed image.  Interestingly, they are needier in the sense that they require more outside affirmation in order to feel internal validation.  If a relationship is lost, a valuable source of validation is gone and the narcissist will feel desperate to replace that source.  The narcissist will replace the partner very quickly, as they cannot be without ego support for long.

Alexander Lowen (Lowen, Alexander, Narcissism Denial Of The True Self, Touchstone Book, Simon & Schuster, 1985) sees the basic disturbance of narcissism as the denial of feeling.  He believes that narcissistic behavior is not motivated by feeling, but the denial of feeling.  It is a defensive position.  Although narcissists may be motivated out of feelings of hurt, their design of the image is an attempt to deny the hurt and represent themselves as the very opposite of what they actually are; cool, calm, strong, independent.  In this way they are guaranteeing that their experience of themselves and their interactions with others are based on untruths, lack of genuineness, and falsehood.  They are also guaranteeing that their true needs will not be met, since their inner needs are denied in order to present the cool facade.  It is a self-perpetuating disorder.

Narcissists often lie, and believe their own lies.  Since the narcissistic personality is not mature, lying is similar to that of a child.  It often consists of pretense at being more important than they truly are or denial of wrong-doing, out of habit.  If caught in a lie, the narcissist is likely to turn it around on the person s/he lied to; declaring that they are victims of abuse and wrongful accusation.  They take great risks at concealing the truth and often their bold lies are so out of the norm that an average person is apt to believe their protestations of innocence.