How It Works.

Psychopathic Dosing: Small and temporary resurrections of the idealize phase to keep the victim under his/her control.

How it works:
1. Draw victim in with idealization/flattery
2. Victim becomes hooked to the idealization/flattery
3. Start to abuse the victim (typically begins with small, subtle criticisms)
4. Victim tries to remain easy-going and flexible, determined not to react.
5. Escalate the abuse
6. Victim reacts and might try to stand up for themselves.
7. Dose the victim with just enough idealization (Step 1) to distract from the abuse
8. Victim forgives/absorbs the abuse.
9. Repeat 1-8, over and over again.
10. Abuse continues to get worse and worse, and less dosing is required because the victim's boundaries are slowly being destroyed.

The excuses we tell ourselves...

1. "Maybe it is all in my head":

Lets see:

I used to be happy, have friends, attended family functions, stayed up late, could make decisions on spending (even if wrong), go out and do things, make whatever I wanted for dinner and stack the cupboard any which way I liked. Nope...not in your head.

If you feel nervous before arriving home, wondering if it is ok to heat up a frozen entree or feel the need to get permission before communicating with other humans...it is not in your head.

You have yourself a problem, masquerading as a loved one.

2. "(S)he wouldn't go that far"

Please think again. Yes, they will go that far...possibly even farther. A narcissist in rage mode is capable of quite a bit:

Alienating the kids.
Emotionally abusing those near and dear.
Leaving you homeless.
Accusing you of crimes or abuse.
Having you arrested.
Stealing the money.
Destroying property.
Ruining your relationships.
Getting you fired.

3. "Maybe if they get some help or medication"

Nope. Probably not going to happen and if by chance you do manage to convince them to walk into a therapist office you can expect one of the following:

1. They feel they do not need to go because everything is ok with them.
2. They will feel that the therapist doesn't know what they are talking about.
3. They will convince the therapist that it is you with the problem.
4. They will feign interest while continuing to harass and abuse you in secret.

4. " I will stick it out for the kids sake"

You can stay and tell yourself that you will put up with anything for the kids sake but here is an important truth you should be aware of:

There is no guarantee that they will.

You could put up with years of gaslighting, devaluing and cruel emotional games and then one day unexpectedly find yourself facing homelessness, custody of your children being taken away and false allegations of various abuse. All while your ex has shacked up with a stunning twenty four year old super model or a wealthy corporate executive who bought into her tales of your neglect or worse.

When a narcissist leaves you it is often on their complete terms:

They move the money.
They hide the financial paperwork.
They prepare evidence and a case against you.
They build up a strong support network.
They tear you down emotionally.
They assassinate your character.

All while you try to keep the marriage going or simply put up with the abuse. One day you are shuttling kids to soccer games or working long hours and the next day you are discarded like yesterdays garbage.

----

Copy/pasted. This is beyond creepy.

Gaslighting 101 - Pierce The Darkness contribution

Gas lighting is a form of brainwashing.

Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.

Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.

Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial

There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:

"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"

It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.

Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets

Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation

In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:

1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears

In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:

1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”

Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe

Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:

1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”

- Pierce The Darkness - (Excerpt 1)

Relationships with narcissists are unidirectional and transactional. They take and you give.

A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.

You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.

People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.

Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.

Onward & Upward

...we each had heard many of the same exact lines from our exes, the exact same behaviors and spent just as long trying to figure this stuff all out. Narcissism happens, and it happens to men as well as women. The same lack of empathy, the same cruelty, the same walking on eggshells. We are all much more alike than we are different. 

For extra brutality, add a beatdown section.

I have more respect, hope, and love

for the man who beat the crap out of me in drunken rages

stalked me for 18 months when I left him and went into hiding

attempted to murder my quadriplegic boyfriend 

and is now in prison for the next 16 years, with a lifetime no-contact order

than I do for you. 

Because he has a heart. He can FEEL. He feels regret. 

And he is man enough to sincerely apologize.

And he works hard to make his life right for his son.

Your crimes are worse because they aren't against a grown person

You slaughter your own children

without apology.

without so much as a single glimmer of recognition for your depravity. 

The world is safer with him here, and you in his place.

Alone, in a 8x8 cell, until you finally realize just how brutal 

your cuts to their souls really are. 

& how

You will be held to the highest standards and not allowed barely an in of fault.

The narcissist on another hand will act or do pretty much as he or she wants laughing at you privately as they deny any wrongdoing or unreasonability.

They will get away with murder while you have the book thrown at you for the most insignificant things.

Expect this and simply do the best you can...you and I know the truth.

Female Narc

It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists.  In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently.  From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”.  That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA).  Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships.  This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc).  This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.

This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere.  Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships.  This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.

Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression.  Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain.  Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing.  The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.

Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end.  I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.

thank you darkness.

'You are not alone, you are not crazy, and someday you will start to whisper thank you to the darkness... thank you to the pain, the fear the struggle even thank you to the narc ....because in the darkness you will find light you never knew you had inside your heart, strength you never imagined.'


- Christie Brinkley

LOVE DOES NOT HURT

You can say the most loving words with sarcasm and silently communicate contempt through body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, banging dishes, stonewalling, cold shoulders, etc. There are dozens of ways to be emotionally abusive.

In some respects, emotional abuse is more devastating than physical violence, due the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves.

If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think you’re the problem.

Emotional abuse is more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.

Sound Familiar?

Male targets of narcissistic abuse may experience partners that:

Yell and scream
Threaten them and try to induce fear
Insult and demean them; tell them they are not worth the trouble
Socially isolate them
Lie or withhold information
Treat them like a child or servant
Control all the finances
Beat them down emotionally, and then tell them they have no spine

Controlling and emotionally abusive behaviors perpetrated by narcissistic women may include:

Falsely accusing or threatening to accuse a man of assault on them or their children
Threatening false sexual abuse claims
Threatening to take away custody of the children
Threatening to kill themselves or others
Making the man feel like "he's crazy"
Minimizing the abuse; blaming the victim of the abuse
Playing mind games
Making the man feel guilty
Falsely obtaining a restraining order or injunction
Withholding affection
Stalking

Feelings the victim of a narcissist may feel:

Feeling edgy all the time
Feeling you can't do anything right
Feeling afraid of the narcissist and what they might say or do
Doing or avoiding certain things in order to make the narcissist happy
Lying to avoid the wrath of the narcissist
Feeling they deserve to be hurt
Wondering if you're crazy
Feeling emotionally numb, helpless or depressed
Feeling like committing suicide

Dupers Delight

Sociopath dupers delight and the joy of conning someone
from Dating a Sociopath - Link Below

One thing that a sociopath feels is ‘dupers delight’. A sociopath doesn’t feel too many emotions. He can feel lots of things, anger, narcisstic rage, jealousy, paranoia, if it’s a feeling. But they don’t actually feel real feelings like other people feel. Its kind of an empty space.

Because of this sociopaths struggle with boredom and ways to get excitement. One way that they can get a rush is by manipulation and deceit, and deliberately conning someone. This is called dupers delight. The rush that they feel when they are conning someone who they feel is more stupid, and can’t see through their lies.

When found out, they do not feel bad for hurting you and they do not feel remorse or shame. Instead they feel a rush of endorphins, which for a sociopath is described as dupers delight.

This can be addictive. An addiction to experiencing that rush of endorphins. And so, they repeat this behaviour again, and again.

This is one of the reasons why sociopaths cannot be rehabilitated. They cannot change, because they feel empty inside, they become addicted to this rush of adrenaline that they feel by conning someone. To them, it is your own fault for being so stupid, and so gullible, and if you take them back, they will only do the same thing over again, thinking you must be even more stupid than they thought you were originally.

They will make empty false promises, that they will change, that they have changed. But these are merely just words. A sociopath lives on words. Unfortunately, there is rarely any correlation between words and actions.

A sociopath takes great joy, in conning, manipulating, deceiving. He enjoys abusing your sense of ‘trust’. He knows that your thinking process is that everybody can be trusted. The sociopath knows that this is not true. The more that the sociopath gets away with this behaviour, the happier he is, and the bigger the con, the greater the dupers delight he experiences.

To the sociopath, he thinks that he is superior to you, more clever than you, and that he has the ability to be something that you cannot. In some senses this is true. It is rarely a good thing. If you catch the sociopath with that little wry smile, be careful, he might be getting an adrenaline rush, and internally having a rush from yet again being able to get away with his lying, deceit, conning, and gaming.

Fake & Take

Faux empathy is when a person gives the appearance of being empathetic – so thoughtful, caring, considerate etc – but is doing it in a surface way to extract something from you. If you’ve ever had what appeared to be empathy only for that person to say or do something not long after that left you with your head spinning in confusion, you’ve experienced faux empathy.

Words say plenty, but actions are irrefutable...

Because of your partner’s pathological narcissism, you are expected to do for them and honor them and sing their praises while basically, you receive nothing in return. Oh sure, they likely provides you with a roof over your head—perhaps even quite a nice one at that. There might be other impressive material things they provides, too. After all, if they suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism, they might want you encased in designer labels as well as to have diamonds flashing on your fingers and ears because these speak to others of their financial success. They may or may not be what you want to wear, however.

When you are the partner of a narcissist, you are there to project the image he wants for you—that he wants his partner to project. Of course, your house and lifestyle probably fall into this category, too. They are all about making statements to others he wishes to impress, not about providing you with the type of environment you might find comfortable or restful--an environment that feeds your soul.

Again, while the material things your narcissistic spouse provides might look good to the outside world, they likely will miss the nark with you. Nonetheless, he doesn’t care because indeed, it isn’t about you. How could you ever make such a mistake in thinking that it was? No indeed, it is all about him and his needs. And so, your narcissistic partner won’t care that you never receive the love and the emotional support you need to thrive. He doesn’t care that he has drained the emotional bank account dry—that you finally collapse, emotionally and physically depleted. You are both expendable and replaceable, my dear, because indeed, the narcissist you are merely an object to be used—not a human being with needs and feelings.

Says magic isn't real...then engages in magical thinking.

Without Narcissistic Supply – the narcissist crumbles, like the zombies or the vampires one sees in horror movies. It is terrifying and the narcissist will do anything to avoid it. Think about the narcissist as a drug addict. His withdrawal symptoms are identical: delusions, physiological effects, irritability, emotional lability.

Narcissists often experience brief, de-compensatory psychotic episodes when their psyche is disassembled – either deliberately in therapy or following a life-crisis accompanied by a major narcissistic injury.

These psychotic episodes may be closely allied to another feature of narcissism: magical thinking. Narcissists are like children in this sense. Many, for instance, fully believe in two things: that whatever happens – they will prevail and that good things will always happen to them. It is more than a belief, really. Narcissists just KNOW it, the same way one knows gravity – directly, immediately and surely.

The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, always come on top. The narcissist is, therefore, fearless in a manner perceived by others to be both admirable and insane. He attributes to himself divine and cosmic immunity – he cloaks myself in it, it renders him invisible to his enemies and to the powers of "evil". It is a childish phantasmagoria – but to the narcissist it is very real.

Cockroaches

Keep in mind, that whatever you do know about the psychopath, it is only the very tip of the iceberg. There are many more things below the surface that they have done and are capable of that you will never know about. You will never discover or understand the complete depths of their depravity. The memories that already make you sick are nothing compared to what you don't know. Their lies and schemes are like cockroaches. Where you see one or two, there are thousands more you can't see.

Communicating with a Sociopath

I've spent years trying to create and maintain healthy boundaries with my ex-husband.   It’s a daily task requiring me to stay on guard at all times. I have to carefully edit and dissect every email or text that I send him to make sure that I am not being too friendly, engaging him in any way, or inviting further interaction. I avoid all face-to-face interaction in order to prevent him from trying to intimidate or manipulate me.

This is quite draining, since it is an unnatural way of communicating with another human being.  But, communication with a sociopath is not anything like communication with a normal person.

He will look for ‘hidden meanings’ that are not there, he will use words and phrases that push my emotional buttons, or he will talk in riddles that imply a message that he won’t ever say explicitly.  This is his way of setting up a possible scenario where he can twist the truth, change his meaning, accuse, blame, ridicule, you name it.

This is a favorite game of his, and I sense the trap so often that I actually begin to feel paranoid, until I talk to a ‘normal’ person.  It doesn't take long to reinforce what a healthy relationship sounds and feels like.  But, a sociopath has the uncanny ability to manipulate us into questioning the one thing that is the very essence of our survival: instinct.

False Allegations

Woman Admits to False Allegations

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Abuse is one of the most gut wrenching issues in our times. Whether it is the abuse of a child, a women, an elder or a man, it is heinous. Abuse comes in three main forms: physical, sexual and psychological (also known as emotional abuse.). It is the mental and emotional abuse caused by a spouse’s deliberate attempt to destroy the Targeted Parent in the eyes of the children that will be the focus of this chapter. Parental Alienation, also classified as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, Enmeshed Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions, Relationship Triangles and Alienation, is a growing epidemic in divorce proceedings. It is time to change this and make a difference for the children and Targeted Parent of these psychological abuses.

During a high conflict divorce involving visitation or custody, there are more false cases of domestic violence and abuse filed according to the various departments of protection and the courts. (DHHS, 2001 Statistics) This issue is one of international alarm because false reporting takes massive amounts of resources away from true victims. In addition, the psychological ramifications and loss of reputation for the accused can ruin their lives forever, which is usually the intention with the false allegations. Unfortunately, these types of abusers drag their innocent children into their bogus stories, which force the children to lie and go through horrendous tests and interviews, which emotionally scar them for life. Even if the accused parent has not committed the crime, the accusations cost the accused thousands of dollars and years to prove their innocence, while the abuser commits defamation and slander. By all documented accounts, (see Fiebert’s Reference) it is apparent that the gender of the abuser does not matter. Both genders are equally aggressive using both physical and psychological abuse.

It is the mental end of this abuse that Bill Kuhl speaks about in his article “Violence Knows no Gender”. Abusers are devious and use covert physical attacks to catch their prey off guard. Kuhl refers to this as the “element of surprise”. (Kuhl, Violence Knows No Gender) This is not only devious but also psychologically stressful. The targeted parent never knows if and when it is coming or how; much like a soldier during a sniper attack. They must live their lives as if they are constantly at war, on edge and in fear. Psychologically they become worn out with nowhere to turn to for help.

This psychological abuse and the toll that these victims pay come at a great price. If they stay, they chance being seriously injured if not killed. If they leave, they are faced with the humiliation of ‘allowing’ someone to abuse them. In the course of this, they will lose everything, including their children. Most victims stay in their abusive marriages for the same reason; that is they have nowhere to go, are being threatened with losing everything, scared for their children and have been beaten down emotionally and they can no longer stand on their own anymore. For men this is a double indemnity, because it is the humiliation and ridicule that a woman has abused them, which prevents most men from reporting the abuse they encounter and prohibits them from leaving home. For women, it is not so much the humiliation as the fear of further attacks as well as fear of not being able to make it on their own. The one fear that stigmatizes both genders is the loss of their children and that relationship.

When a parent is denied a relationship, it is the same as isolating the children from the parent. It can be legally termed as an alienation of affection, criminally referred to as domestic violence and psychologically referred to as Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome (soon to be in the DSM V), Hostile Aggressive Parenting, an Enmeshed Relationship, Triangles in Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions or Alienation and Denigration. No matter what it is named, it is not only abusive to the Targeted Parent (TP), but also abusive to the children. The Alienating Parent (AP) sees the children and/or their relationship with the other parent as a possession that they have power over, which in turn controls the TP. By refusing to allow a healthy relationship to exist between the children and the TP, the AP maintains a sense of control and what they feel is a bargaining chip to possess the other parent. Whether it is returning the TP to the AP’s life or revenge ‘for not loving them anymore’, the AP has absolutely no regard for any of the other victims. Their only goal is to destroy the TP anyway they can.

This abuse is so subtle and slow, that when the parent realizes what is occurring, it is often too late and the children are refusing to have a relationship with the TP, especially in the case of high conflict divorce with custody/visitation issues. The once naturally healthy relationship and bonds of a parent with their offspring have been destroyed; their children’s lives are filled with treachery and uncharted waters. The psychological community is just now beginning to understand the ramifications of this type of abuse, while examining a definition to be included in the DSM. Alienation is an insidious type of abuse because proving its existence is a nightmare that is still on going. The psychological community is baffled as to how to stop it and correct the damages to the children.

PAS OR PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME DEFINED

Dr. Richard Gardner, of Creskill, NJ, a child psychologist, was one of the leading authorities on children of dysfunctional families. What he found in his research is that no matter the financial or cultural background, alienation of one parent from the other could occur. (www.rgardner.com)

According to Dr. Richard Gardner, PAS is described as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) In effect, these children are taught to hate the other parent to the point of wanting to eliminate them from their lives. Dr. Gardner considers this psychological abuse and it is the only form of psychological abuse that has clear-cut unmistakable signs and symptoms and therefore the only psychological abuse that can be easily diagnosed.

PAS can be further described as a form of psychological kidnapping (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) where the child’s mind has been forced to prejudicially believe and discriminate against the other parent. This is perpetrated by creating fear, not of the only of the TP/outsider parent, but of the parent whom the child must reside with, or as Gardner calls it, the “hostage taker” parent. (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) It is also called the Stockholm Syndrome and best compared to the Patti Hearst kidnapping.

In these cases, the hostages are so isolated from the outside world that they begin to associate with their hostage takers. Actually refusing to accept any overt actions from the outside that contradict their captor’s motives. This has been documented in cult situations where the followers are literally brainwashed to believe that the cults objectives are the only way to think, act or believe.

This also applies in PAS where the children learn to side with the aggressor and avoid being victims of the same abuse. As Roland Summit (Kemp, P. 16) and John Briere (Kemp, P. 239-240) call it, Abuse-Related Accommodation. Abuse-related accommodation occurs when a person’s natural survival instincts have enabled them to “adapt” to the abuse. This adaptation includes distortions of thought, altered emotions (such as depression and anxiety), and dissociation by disconnecting from the trauma. It is these adaptive techniques that will determine whether a child will develop personality disorders such as multiple personalities, anti-social behaviors or psychotic tendencies. (Kemp P. 239). Briere further breaks it down into 3 stages of adaptation. First is the initial reaction stage of fear, anxiety, hurt, betrayal or abandonment, because they are so isolated they have nowhere to turn. In the second stage, accommodation to on-going abuse, they try to pacify and soothe the abuser. With children of PAS this might be avoiding issues that trigger anger, such as positive comments about the other parent. Finally in the 3rd stage called Long-Term Elaboration and Secondary accommodation, the victims life centers around avoiding and living with the abuse, which now affects every mechanism for coping and behavior. The abuse actually becomes so internalized that their entire world changes to accommodate it. A PAS victimized child might denigrate and spew hatred about the targeted parent with no valid and justifiable reasons.

No matter how we describe it or compare it, the ultimate truth is that PAS destroys the children and the parents it is directed at. Despite our courts supposed protection of children from this kind of abuse, it is happening even more. This type of abuse is directly correlated with marital issues involving parental separation, divorce, custody and visitation. It became even more prevalent in the 60’s with the introduction of No-Fault Divorce. Despite the high incidence of this type of abuse, it is barely recognized in the courts until recently when it passed the Frye Test, to determine admissibility of scientific evidence, validating its existence (wwwr.gardner.com/ref/pas), which now permits it’s open testimony and use in court. With the passage of the Frye test, the State of Connecticut mandated Court Support Family Services to get training in Parental Alienation Syndrome. Unfortunately, at present this training is very inadequate and riddled with missing data. If only we can finally get the courts to put aside their prejudices against men and non-custodial parents.

SO HOW DO WE RECOGNIZE AND DIAGNOSE PAS?

The following is a list of behaviors exhibited by children of PAS according to Richard Gardner. See link below. www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html)

1) A campaign of denigration

2) Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation.

3) Lack of Ambivalence

4) The “independent thinker” phenomenon

5) Reflexive support of the AP in the parental conflict

6) Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the Alienated Parent

7) The presence of borrowed scenarios

 Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the Alienated Parent.

In effect, PAS is a form of prejudice and discrimination that isolates the children from the TP, and extended family and friends. Through a series of actions, the alienating parent is able to influence the children to hate the targeted parent and extended family. In particular, the AP instills such loathing and anger toward the TP that it could easily be classified as a hate crime.

CLASSIFYING PAS AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

According to Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of Maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36) Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of Child Psychological Maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to PAS showing it as a form of Domestic Violence via Psychological Maltreatment. This book is a technical training book for Students studying for their Masters in Counseling and Social Work. It is just one of many textbooks used to teach the students and professionals about Psychological Maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Those categories are:

• Rejecting (spurning)

• Terrorizing

• Corrupting

• Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability

• Unreliable and inconsistent parenting

• Mental health, medical, or educational neglect

• Degrading/devaluing (spurning)

• Isolating

• Exploiting

As we correlate the above definition, we will see how it fits in classifying PAS as Psychological Maltreatment and thus Domestic Violence. For example, by deliberately alienating the victims from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring. The whole premise of PAS is to isolate and alienate the children from the Targeted Parent or any other individual who supports the Targeted Parent. If the alienator uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the victims to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing. (Kemp, P. 225-228) As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the Targeted Parent is very prominent and a key indicator of PAS. In addition, DV includes the exploitation and use of the children for personal gain. Thus in PAS when the children are used to destroy the Targeted Parent by denying visitation or a relationship between TP and the children or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in affect committing Domestic Violence. It is for these reasons that PAS or alienating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Let’s take this a bit further in it’s application. When a parent REJECTS a child because the children show any love or affection for the Targeted Parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection, but TERRORIZATION. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the Targeted Parents home for fear of losing the Alienating Parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Next, there is CORRUPTING. When an Alienating parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the children they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the children that they are above the law and therefore immune to the courts authority. When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the children to do the same, this is corruption. When an Alienating parent tells the children lies about the Targeted Parent, and that anything having to do with the Targeted Parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting. In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the children’s minds.

Next, let’s look at DENYING ESSENTIAL STIMULATION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS, OR AVAILABILITY. By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the Targeted Parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the Alienating Parents are denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions and availability with the Targeted Parent. In fact, the Targeted Parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against the false allegations. Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the Targeted Parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the Alienator refuses their children a warm and loving relationship with the Targeted Parents. Thus it causes UNRELIABLE AND INCONSISTENT PARENTING. Since the children have been denied a relationship with the Targeted Parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the Alienating Parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

This brings us to the MENTAL, MEDICAL AND EDUCATION NEGLECT. When an Alienating Parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children's mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering. (V65.2) and by Neglect of Child (V61.21).

If despite numerous court orders or request and recommendations, the alienator continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s Targeted Parent in front of them, this behavior DEGRADES AND DEVALUES someone the children once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly want a relationship with. This disdain and disrespect for the Targeted Parent in front of the child(ren) is another form of Psychological Maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of that Targeted Parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the Targeted Parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called ISOLATION. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this refusing them visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse. This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse. (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/warsha00.htm)

And finally, EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation. When an Alienating Parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the Targeted Parent, this is EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children for monetary gains, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is EXPLOITATION.

When you add all these factors up, it is easy to see how Cross-Generational Coalitions, Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Enmeshed Relationships, Triangles and Borderless Boundaries can be classified as Child Psychological Maltreatment in a divorce situation. When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the Alienator quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, (301.7). The Alienating Parent willfully and without regard to the child(ren) or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended families welfare, continually violated their rights and disregarded their needs for a relationship. The Alienating Parent uses and exploits the children. The Alienating Parent isolates the children from a nurturing parent and family. The Alienating Parent denies the children their basic needs of love and belonging from the Targeted Parent. The Alienating Parent thus neglects the children’s mental welfare. They rejected the children’s and Targeted Parent’s testimony of love and need for each other. The Alienating Parent terrorizes and corrupts the children. The Alienating Parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own children. This all adds up to one thing, PAS is Domestic Violence in the form of Psychological Maltreatment.

Intentions like death.

Psychopaths shame & humiliate their targets, because this solidifies their dominance in the relationship. If you are thrown into an embarrassing situation, feeling less than human, then you suddenly start to feel inferior to the person who orchestrated it all to begin with. You strive to meet their impossible standards, doing everything you can to prove yourself better than your past "mistakes". You begin to realize that all of the secrets you shared with your once trusted partner are now being judged & used against you. They've discovered what makes you tick, and they use this information to manufacture lose-lose situations and watch you self-destruct. Ideally, there will be an audience of their friends and yours, to finalize the triangulation and crazy-making behavior. You will find that no healthy human being focuses so aggressively on your negative aspects. Once this toxic person is removed from your life, there will be so many others who love & appreciate the qualities that your abuser intentionally ignored.