thank you darkness.

'You are not alone, you are not crazy, and someday you will start to whisper thank you to the darkness... thank you to the pain, the fear the struggle even thank you to the narc ....because in the darkness you will find light you never knew you had inside your heart, strength you never imagined.'


- Christie Brinkley

LOVE DOES NOT HURT

You can say the most loving words with sarcasm and silently communicate contempt through body language, rolling eyes, sighs, grimaces, tone of voice, disgusted looks, cold shoulders, banging dishes, stonewalling, cold shoulders, etc. There are dozens of ways to be emotionally abusive.

In some respects, emotional abuse is more devastating than physical violence, due the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves.

If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think you’re the problem.

Emotional abuse is more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love hurt.

Dupers Delight

Sociopath dupers delight and the joy of conning someone
from Dating a Sociopath - Link Below

One thing that a sociopath feels is ‘dupers delight’. A sociopath doesn’t feel too many emotions. He can feel lots of things, anger, narcisstic rage, jealousy, paranoia, if it’s a feeling. But they don’t actually feel real feelings like other people feel. Its kind of an empty space.

Because of this sociopaths struggle with boredom and ways to get excitement. One way that they can get a rush is by manipulation and deceit, and deliberately conning someone. This is called dupers delight. The rush that they feel when they are conning someone who they feel is more stupid, and can’t see through their lies.

When found out, they do not feel bad for hurting you and they do not feel remorse or shame. Instead they feel a rush of endorphins, which for a sociopath is described as dupers delight.

This can be addictive. An addiction to experiencing that rush of endorphins. And so, they repeat this behaviour again, and again.

This is one of the reasons why sociopaths cannot be rehabilitated. They cannot change, because they feel empty inside, they become addicted to this rush of adrenaline that they feel by conning someone. To them, it is your own fault for being so stupid, and so gullible, and if you take them back, they will only do the same thing over again, thinking you must be even more stupid than they thought you were originally.

They will make empty false promises, that they will change, that they have changed. But these are merely just words. A sociopath lives on words. Unfortunately, there is rarely any correlation between words and actions.

A sociopath takes great joy, in conning, manipulating, deceiving. He enjoys abusing your sense of ‘trust’. He knows that your thinking process is that everybody can be trusted. The sociopath knows that this is not true. The more that the sociopath gets away with this behaviour, the happier he is, and the bigger the con, the greater the dupers delight he experiences.

To the sociopath, he thinks that he is superior to you, more clever than you, and that he has the ability to be something that you cannot. In some senses this is true. It is rarely a good thing. If you catch the sociopath with that little wry smile, be careful, he might be getting an adrenaline rush, and internally having a rush from yet again being able to get away with his lying, deceit, conning, and gaming.

Fake & Take

Faux empathy is when a person gives the appearance of being empathetic – so thoughtful, caring, considerate etc – but is doing it in a surface way to extract something from you. If you’ve ever had what appeared to be empathy only for that person to say or do something not long after that left you with your head spinning in confusion, you’ve experienced faux empathy.

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Abuse is one of the most gut wrenching issues in our times. Whether it is the abuse of a child, a women, an elder or a man, it is heinous. Abuse comes in three main forms: physical, sexual and psychological (also known as emotional abuse.). It is the mental and emotional abuse caused by a spouse’s deliberate attempt to destroy the Targeted Parent in the eyes of the children that will be the focus of this chapter. Parental Alienation, also classified as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, Enmeshed Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions, Relationship Triangles and Alienation, is a growing epidemic in divorce proceedings. It is time to change this and make a difference for the children and Targeted Parent of these psychological abuses.

During a high conflict divorce involving visitation or custody, there are more false cases of domestic violence and abuse filed according to the various departments of protection and the courts. (DHHS, 2001 Statistics) This issue is one of international alarm because false reporting takes massive amounts of resources away from true victims. In addition, the psychological ramifications and loss of reputation for the accused can ruin their lives forever, which is usually the intention with the false allegations. Unfortunately, these types of abusers drag their innocent children into their bogus stories, which force the children to lie and go through horrendous tests and interviews, which emotionally scar them for life. Even if the accused parent has not committed the crime, the accusations cost the accused thousands of dollars and years to prove their innocence, while the abuser commits defamation and slander. By all documented accounts, (see Fiebert’s Reference) it is apparent that the gender of the abuser does not matter. Both genders are equally aggressive using both physical and psychological abuse.

It is the mental end of this abuse that Bill Kuhl speaks about in his article “Violence Knows no Gender”. Abusers are devious and use covert physical attacks to catch their prey off guard. Kuhl refers to this as the “element of surprise”. (Kuhl, Violence Knows No Gender) This is not only devious but also psychologically stressful. The targeted parent never knows if and when it is coming or how; much like a soldier during a sniper attack. They must live their lives as if they are constantly at war, on edge and in fear. Psychologically they become worn out with nowhere to turn to for help.

This psychological abuse and the toll that these victims pay come at a great price. If they stay, they chance being seriously injured if not killed. If they leave, they are faced with the humiliation of ‘allowing’ someone to abuse them. In the course of this, they will lose everything, including their children. Most victims stay in their abusive marriages for the same reason; that is they have nowhere to go, are being threatened with losing everything, scared for their children and have been beaten down emotionally and they can no longer stand on their own anymore. For men this is a double indemnity, because it is the humiliation and ridicule that a woman has abused them, which prevents most men from reporting the abuse they encounter and prohibits them from leaving home. For women, it is not so much the humiliation as the fear of further attacks as well as fear of not being able to make it on their own. The one fear that stigmatizes both genders is the loss of their children and that relationship.

When a parent is denied a relationship, it is the same as isolating the children from the parent. It can be legally termed as an alienation of affection, criminally referred to as domestic violence and psychologically referred to as Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome (soon to be in the DSM V), Hostile Aggressive Parenting, an Enmeshed Relationship, Triangles in Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions or Alienation and Denigration. No matter what it is named, it is not only abusive to the Targeted Parent (TP), but also abusive to the children. The Alienating Parent (AP) sees the children and/or their relationship with the other parent as a possession that they have power over, which in turn controls the TP. By refusing to allow a healthy relationship to exist between the children and the TP, the AP maintains a sense of control and what they feel is a bargaining chip to possess the other parent. Whether it is returning the TP to the AP’s life or revenge ‘for not loving them anymore’, the AP has absolutely no regard for any of the other victims. Their only goal is to destroy the TP anyway they can.

This abuse is so subtle and slow, that when the parent realizes what is occurring, it is often too late and the children are refusing to have a relationship with the TP, especially in the case of high conflict divorce with custody/visitation issues. The once naturally healthy relationship and bonds of a parent with their offspring have been destroyed; their children’s lives are filled with treachery and uncharted waters. The psychological community is just now beginning to understand the ramifications of this type of abuse, while examining a definition to be included in the DSM. Alienation is an insidious type of abuse because proving its existence is a nightmare that is still on going. The psychological community is baffled as to how to stop it and correct the damages to the children.

PAS OR PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME DEFINED

Dr. Richard Gardner, of Creskill, NJ, a child psychologist, was one of the leading authorities on children of dysfunctional families. What he found in his research is that no matter the financial or cultural background, alienation of one parent from the other could occur. (www.rgardner.com)

According to Dr. Richard Gardner, PAS is described as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) In effect, these children are taught to hate the other parent to the point of wanting to eliminate them from their lives. Dr. Gardner considers this psychological abuse and it is the only form of psychological abuse that has clear-cut unmistakable signs and symptoms and therefore the only psychological abuse that can be easily diagnosed.

PAS can be further described as a form of psychological kidnapping (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) where the child’s mind has been forced to prejudicially believe and discriminate against the other parent. This is perpetrated by creating fear, not of the only of the TP/outsider parent, but of the parent whom the child must reside with, or as Gardner calls it, the “hostage taker” parent. (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) It is also called the Stockholm Syndrome and best compared to the Patti Hearst kidnapping.

In these cases, the hostages are so isolated from the outside world that they begin to associate with their hostage takers. Actually refusing to accept any overt actions from the outside that contradict their captor’s motives. This has been documented in cult situations where the followers are literally brainwashed to believe that the cults objectives are the only way to think, act or believe.

This also applies in PAS where the children learn to side with the aggressor and avoid being victims of the same abuse. As Roland Summit (Kemp, P. 16) and John Briere (Kemp, P. 239-240) call it, Abuse-Related Accommodation. Abuse-related accommodation occurs when a person’s natural survival instincts have enabled them to “adapt” to the abuse. This adaptation includes distortions of thought, altered emotions (such as depression and anxiety), and dissociation by disconnecting from the trauma. It is these adaptive techniques that will determine whether a child will develop personality disorders such as multiple personalities, anti-social behaviors or psychotic tendencies. (Kemp P. 239). Briere further breaks it down into 3 stages of adaptation. First is the initial reaction stage of fear, anxiety, hurt, betrayal or abandonment, because they are so isolated they have nowhere to turn. In the second stage, accommodation to on-going abuse, they try to pacify and soothe the abuser. With children of PAS this might be avoiding issues that trigger anger, such as positive comments about the other parent. Finally in the 3rd stage called Long-Term Elaboration and Secondary accommodation, the victims life centers around avoiding and living with the abuse, which now affects every mechanism for coping and behavior. The abuse actually becomes so internalized that their entire world changes to accommodate it. A PAS victimized child might denigrate and spew hatred about the targeted parent with no valid and justifiable reasons.

No matter how we describe it or compare it, the ultimate truth is that PAS destroys the children and the parents it is directed at. Despite our courts supposed protection of children from this kind of abuse, it is happening even more. This type of abuse is directly correlated with marital issues involving parental separation, divorce, custody and visitation. It became even more prevalent in the 60’s with the introduction of No-Fault Divorce. Despite the high incidence of this type of abuse, it is barely recognized in the courts until recently when it passed the Frye Test, to determine admissibility of scientific evidence, validating its existence (wwwr.gardner.com/ref/pas), which now permits it’s open testimony and use in court. With the passage of the Frye test, the State of Connecticut mandated Court Support Family Services to get training in Parental Alienation Syndrome. Unfortunately, at present this training is very inadequate and riddled with missing data. If only we can finally get the courts to put aside their prejudices against men and non-custodial parents.

SO HOW DO WE RECOGNIZE AND DIAGNOSE PAS?

The following is a list of behaviors exhibited by children of PAS according to Richard Gardner. See link below. www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html)

1) A campaign of denigration

2) Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation.

3) Lack of Ambivalence

4) The “independent thinker” phenomenon

5) Reflexive support of the AP in the parental conflict

6) Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the Alienated Parent

7) The presence of borrowed scenarios

 Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the Alienated Parent.

In effect, PAS is a form of prejudice and discrimination that isolates the children from the TP, and extended family and friends. Through a series of actions, the alienating parent is able to influence the children to hate the targeted parent and extended family. In particular, the AP instills such loathing and anger toward the TP that it could easily be classified as a hate crime.

CLASSIFYING PAS AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

According to Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of Maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36) Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of Child Psychological Maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to PAS showing it as a form of Domestic Violence via Psychological Maltreatment. This book is a technical training book for Students studying for their Masters in Counseling and Social Work. It is just one of many textbooks used to teach the students and professionals about Psychological Maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Those categories are:

• Rejecting (spurning)

• Terrorizing

• Corrupting

• Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability

• Unreliable and inconsistent parenting

• Mental health, medical, or educational neglect

• Degrading/devaluing (spurning)

• Isolating

• Exploiting

As we correlate the above definition, we will see how it fits in classifying PAS as Psychological Maltreatment and thus Domestic Violence. For example, by deliberately alienating the victims from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring. The whole premise of PAS is to isolate and alienate the children from the Targeted Parent or any other individual who supports the Targeted Parent. If the alienator uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the victims to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing. (Kemp, P. 225-228) As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the Targeted Parent is very prominent and a key indicator of PAS. In addition, DV includes the exploitation and use of the children for personal gain. Thus in PAS when the children are used to destroy the Targeted Parent by denying visitation or a relationship between TP and the children or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in affect committing Domestic Violence. It is for these reasons that PAS or alienating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Let’s take this a bit further in it’s application. When a parent REJECTS a child because the children show any love or affection for the Targeted Parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection, but TERRORIZATION. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the Targeted Parents home for fear of losing the Alienating Parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Next, there is CORRUPTING. When an Alienating parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the children they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the children that they are above the law and therefore immune to the courts authority. When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the children to do the same, this is corruption. When an Alienating parent tells the children lies about the Targeted Parent, and that anything having to do with the Targeted Parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting. In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the children’s minds.

Next, let’s look at DENYING ESSENTIAL STIMULATION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS, OR AVAILABILITY. By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the Targeted Parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the Alienating Parents are denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions and availability with the Targeted Parent. In fact, the Targeted Parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against the false allegations. Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the Targeted Parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the Alienator refuses their children a warm and loving relationship with the Targeted Parents. Thus it causes UNRELIABLE AND INCONSISTENT PARENTING. Since the children have been denied a relationship with the Targeted Parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the Alienating Parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

This brings us to the MENTAL, MEDICAL AND EDUCATION NEGLECT. When an Alienating Parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children's mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering. (V65.2) and by Neglect of Child (V61.21).

If despite numerous court orders or request and recommendations, the alienator continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s Targeted Parent in front of them, this behavior DEGRADES AND DEVALUES someone the children once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly want a relationship with. This disdain and disrespect for the Targeted Parent in front of the child(ren) is another form of Psychological Maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of that Targeted Parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the Targeted Parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called ISOLATION. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this refusing them visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse. This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse. (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/warsha00.htm)

And finally, EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation. When an Alienating Parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the Targeted Parent, this is EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children for monetary gains, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is EXPLOITATION.

When you add all these factors up, it is easy to see how Cross-Generational Coalitions, Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Enmeshed Relationships, Triangles and Borderless Boundaries can be classified as Child Psychological Maltreatment in a divorce situation. When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the Alienator quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, (301.7). The Alienating Parent willfully and without regard to the child(ren) or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended families welfare, continually violated their rights and disregarded their needs for a relationship. The Alienating Parent uses and exploits the children. The Alienating Parent isolates the children from a nurturing parent and family. The Alienating Parent denies the children their basic needs of love and belonging from the Targeted Parent. The Alienating Parent thus neglects the children’s mental welfare. They rejected the children’s and Targeted Parent’s testimony of love and need for each other. The Alienating Parent terrorizes and corrupts the children. The Alienating Parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own children. This all adds up to one thing, PAS is Domestic Violence in the form of Psychological Maltreatment.

Intentions like death.

Psychopaths shame & humiliate their targets, because this solidifies their dominance in the relationship. If you are thrown into an embarrassing situation, feeling less than human, then you suddenly start to feel inferior to the person who orchestrated it all to begin with. You strive to meet their impossible standards, doing everything you can to prove yourself better than your past "mistakes". You begin to realize that all of the secrets you shared with your once trusted partner are now being judged & used against you. They've discovered what makes you tick, and they use this information to manufacture lose-lose situations and watch you self-destruct. Ideally, there will be an audience of their friends and yours, to finalize the triangulation and crazy-making behavior. You will find that no healthy human being focuses so aggressively on your negative aspects. Once this toxic person is removed from your life, there will be so many others who love & appreciate the qualities that your abuser intentionally ignored.

Curious, indeed.

It's CURIOUS how a narcissist claims to have a stalker or be the one who was victimized, yet THEY NEVER seek any help for the said "abuse" nor do ANYTHING to give back to other targets. 

Whereas the REAL TARGET seeks to understand, seeks help, seeks answers to the questions about WHY we were abused, what we can do to prevent it, and most importantly seek to AID those who might also be going through the same thing. 

The TRUTH is in the ACTION & DETAILS of the TRUE target; not in the lip service lies that a narcissist gives in order to escape consequences & get supply in the form of "Poor me".

Disgusting Parent In Disguise.

Gaslight

The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with the narcissist, where you allow them to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be.

In fact, your ego functioning has been so compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with the way the person treats you.

...

And the moron Narc will tell the world that you have Antisocial Personality Disorder and you're a hopeless drug addict who needs Jesus and counseling. It's never their malignant abuse that causes ANYTHING. Nooooo, never that.

Are you being Gaslighted?

A Loving Father Prays...

100% Perfect *girl* being the operative word...try out womanhood...

Karma

Ignoring The Soul Of Your Own Child

Gaslight for Brains

Apology? Screw you! Says the Narc.

If you're waiting for an apology from the narcissist, PLEASE, just let that go now - You'll NEVER get one that means anything. Even if they say the words...they don't MEAN it.

Here's why Narcissists are incapable of ever genuinely apologizing:

1. They don't accept responsibility - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault

2. Power & Control prevents them from truly being vulnerable enough to apologize

3. Their disordered personality construct is designed NOT to tolerate shame / vulnerability. Culpability, personal self blame is required in order to feel both guilty and genuinely sorry.

4. They don't have boundaries. They don't recognize that you are a separate person. If they don't feel the hurt that they caused you, then they think YOU couldn't possibly feel it either; thus preventing them from empathizing enough to offer an apology.

5. Seared Conscience - Narcissists are incapable of answering to a Higher Power, when they believe they're their own higher power (don't listen to them tell you they're a christian - that's just another "image" they pretend to have); thus, they don't have a conscience to appeal to. With NOTHING or NO ONE to convict them of wrongdoing...they're "scott-free".

Such a Perfect Mom

Contract? Lawful? Honest? Screw you! says the Narc.

They'll agree to anything then turn around and do the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocols are meaningless. This disloyal con artist will accuse YOU of being the contract breaker. They enjoy orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. 

Expect them to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. 

Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Subtle and Deadly

The most dangerous of all abuse is Ambient Abuse, often called “crazy-making”. It is the stealth, and subtle, underground maltreatment that sometimes goes unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late. It is ambiguous and atmospheric and very hard to pinpoint or prove; hence it’s insidious and deadly effects.

Ambient Abuse is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There is no tangible evidence of abuse but the victim constantly senses a bad omen or premonition of impending doom. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant and unnecessary lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom.

Over the long term this environment eats away at the victim’s self-esteem and their self-confidence is severely damaged. Many times the victim starts to act paranoid and highly emotional, which makes them look like the mentally unstable one and the abuser is the poor suffering soul. Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions “for your own good”.

Source - and more info...

Because They are SO MATURE

Boundaries = WAR

If you have started setting up boundaries with your narcissistic parents or family, you might be getting some serious back lash. Keep in mind that this is normal. They do not like your boundaries. They want to be able to grab you and do what they want with you whenever they want. They will start throwing things out there like, "what is wrong with you?!", but in a disgusted tone, or, "you need to remember we are your family", which basically means, "how dare you have interests other than us?", or...and this one is a given, "the Bible says to honor your father and mother!”

Just because you're setting up boundaries doesn't mean you are leaving or disrespecting anyone. That is THEIR perspective and they are upset that they might be losing control over you.

Just remember that with narcissists, the more boundaries you set up, the more their personal attacks heat up. Plus, when they see they are losing control they will begin resorting to actions such as excluding you, cutting you out of the will, slandering you in the community but trying to disguise it as concern (such as telling people they think you might have a particular mental illness because you went to college in another state, or are getting married and beginning your own life so therefore you must need help, etc).