How do they operate?

With confidence and a smile. The person everyone loves...except for those behind closed doors closest to them.

With speed and secrecy. Rarely are they spotted and when they are they merely weave this into the grand plot.

With goals and purpose. They act with an end in mind and you are a resource to be tapped, used and discarded if no longer wanted.

They Deny.
They Excuse.
They Accuse.
They Lie.

Words for them are very cheap and other people even less so. This is who they are and they are not changing. Why should they? For them you are the problem and they are the solution.

How It Works.

Psychopathic Dosing: Small and temporary resurrections of the idealize phase to keep the victim under his/her control.

How it works:
1. Draw victim in with idealization/flattery
2. Victim becomes hooked to the idealization/flattery
3. Start to abuse the victim (typically begins with small, subtle criticisms)
4. Victim tries to remain easy-going and flexible, determined not to react.
5. Escalate the abuse
6. Victim reacts and might try to stand up for themselves.
7. Dose the victim with just enough idealization (Step 1) to distract from the abuse
8. Victim forgives/absorbs the abuse.
9. Repeat 1-8, over and over again.
10. Abuse continues to get worse and worse, and less dosing is required because the victim's boundaries are slowly being destroyed.

Everything you ever knew is not true.

When you react strongly or tell someone that their behavior is hurting you, a good friend or partner will work to improve & avoid that behavior in the future. Unfortunately, psychopaths do the exact opposite. When they notice that a certain behavior is upsetting you, they adopt it as a new "strategy". The stronger you react, the better the strategy. If the silent treatment makes you beg and plead, they'll start giving you more silence. If hints of cheating & infidelity make you cry, they'll start tossing in more and more of those subtle suggestions. Our assumption is that all humans feel remorse when they see someone else in pain, but psychopaths exploit these most vulnerable cries for help and then amplify whatever is causing it.

me me me me me

Do nice things for me.
See how hip I am.
Watch how confident I appear.
See how decisively I act.
Are you having a ton of fun?
Stick near me and some of my hipness will rub off on YOU.
Ok, I have had enough...give me some space.

Tricky, tricky, tricky!

People will join the smear campaign no matter what you say or present to them, perhaps not all...but many.

Much of the campaigning will have occurred before you caught wind of it and will have twists and turns you won't be privy to.

This is done on purpose so that you desperately or frantically try to defend against one issue while they are talking about another: in other words to make you look out of touch or erratic.

They are counting on this reaction out of you. You are as much an actor in their play as anyone with them in role of director and producer.

The Narcissist neither forgives nor forgets...

There’s another reason a relationship with a narcissist will be rocky: According to the work of Julie Juola Exline and others, conflict resolution is well-nigh impossible with narcissists, because they are skeptical about the value of forgiveness, on the one hand, and easily offended, on the other. They tend to run a cost-benefit analysis when there has been a transgression of any sort in a relationship and, generally, don’t see the benefit of either forgiving or forgetting. They are quick to hold a grudge.

There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.

Play along...

You better be on your best behavior...

Gaslighting 101 - Pierce The Darkness contribution

Gas lighting is a form of brainwashing.

Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.

Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.

Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial

There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:

"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"

It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.

Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets

Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation

In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:

1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears

In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:

1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”

Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe

Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:

1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”

- Pierce The Darkness - (Excerpt 1)

Relationships with narcissists are unidirectional and transactional. They take and you give.

A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.

You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.

People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.

Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.

Onward & Upward

...we each had heard many of the same exact lines from our exes, the exact same behaviors and spent just as long trying to figure this stuff all out. Narcissism happens, and it happens to men as well as women. The same lack of empathy, the same cruelty, the same walking on eggshells. We are all much more alike than we are different. 

For extra brutality, add a beatdown section.

I have more respect, hope, and love

for the man who beat the crap out of me in drunken rages

stalked me for 18 months when I left him and went into hiding

attempted to murder my quadriplegic boyfriend 

and is now in prison for the next 16 years, with a lifetime no-contact order

than I do for you. 

Because he has a heart. He can FEEL. He feels regret. 

And he is man enough to sincerely apologize.

And he works hard to make his life right for his son.

Your crimes are worse because they aren't against a grown person

You slaughter your own children

without apology.

without so much as a single glimmer of recognition for your depravity. 

The world is safer with him here, and you in his place.

Alone, in a 8x8 cell, until you finally realize just how brutal 

your cuts to their souls really are. 

& how

You will be held to the highest standards and not allowed barely an in of fault.

The narcissist on another hand will act or do pretty much as he or she wants laughing at you privately as they deny any wrongdoing or unreasonability.

They will get away with murder while you have the book thrown at you for the most insignificant things.

Expect this and simply do the best you can...you and I know the truth.

WTF

In case you forget!

How to Recognize the Narc...

Sorting through your experiences and emotions will help you to RECOGNIZE THE NARCISSIST:

Are you often tip-toe-ing around somebody?

Are you being told there's something wrong with you?
Is your reality denied?
Is someone undermining your self-esteem?
Is someone controlling your life or manipulating you?
Do you feel you can't be yourself?
Do you exist through the other's desires and not your own?
Are you always giving up on your needs to please the other?
Are you overwhelmed by guilt?
Do you feel you need to prop somebody up?
Are you often confused, do you have difficulty sorting out what is real or not, are you living in some sort of twilight zone?
Is someone sapping your resolve?
Is whatever happens always your fault?
Are you blamed for someone else's bad moods?
Are you met with criticism, the silent treatment or other punishment when you assert needs or express feelings?
Does the other want your exclusive and unconditional attention and does he or she insist to get what they want when they want it?
Are things being shoved down your throat?
Do you always come second?
Are you dealing with someone who does not take "no" for an answer?
Do you feel you always have to surrender?
Are you never getting an "I'm sorry"?
Are you the one who worries?
Are you the designated driver of someone else's life?
Are you doing the work, while the other has fun and avoids anything that is difficult?
Is someone sucking the lifeblood out of you?
Are you often on the defense?
Are you overlooking the reality of what is happening because you are so ready and willing to try to understand?
Do you feel compelled to defend and excuse your partner or your parent?
Do you overlook behavior that hurts?
Do you feel sorry for your partner or your parent?

Narc Game Play

I'd hate to admit how long it took me to learn to trust my instincts. If you sense that someone is playing games with you, they are.

In some settings, of course, game-playing is appropriate. For example, in tennis, to pressure an opposing server, I will sometimes step up to play the return of serve from well inside the baseline. I am playing a mind game. I am telling the server that I eat power serves for lunch.

Of course, in a tennis match, I am competing with that other party. But I don't compete with the other party in every daily interaction I have with other people. That would be inappropriate, especially with the members of my immediate familiy and my friends and teammates and co-workers.

But narcissists do.

I think this is because they are never being themselves. Since they don't identify with their true inner selves, how could they ever just be themselves?

Instead, they are Narcissus, transfixed by their reflected image in the mirror of your face. Just posing before that mirror. Their reflection in it is what they identify with. And they pose so as to make it as grandiose as possible.

That's all that's really going on in your interactions with a narcissist.

For example, if you say "hello" to a normal person under normal circumstances, he will say "hello" back. What will a narcissist do? How will he play this interaction to aggrandize his image?

Often, in certain settings, such as the workplace, the narcissist has the gall to refuse to even look at or answer you, treating you as beneath his notice, even as contemptible.

You wonder what you did to make him mad at you, because a normal person would do that only if you did something awful to insult him. Or if he THOUGHT you had done some such thing. So, you wonder what terrible lie someone has told him about you.

If this is happening to you, consider another possibility - that he is not a normal person, but rather a narcissist.

A narcissist isn't a normal person acting on normal human premises. He refuses to say "hello" back just to make you out as unworthy of that consideration from him, to make you out as dirt beneath his feet. He's taking advantage of this opportunity to pose in a mirror, pretending grandeur with respect to you. He acts out the part of a god who feels insulted by an unworthy bug like you expecting his majesty's attention.

It's all part of the play going on in his childish mind, a work of fiction about himself in which he is the star of a show all about him. (Little children do the same thing in their fantasies.) He IDENTIFIES with the fictional character he creates in that mirror.

You have but a bit part in this show. You exist to reflect his greatness in your interactions with him, period.

Notice that the narcissist is essentially an author of fiction in which the hero is always some idealized version of himself. He edits reality on the fly to compose this work of fiction. It's how he supports his delusions of grandeur.

For example, take any everyday human interaction, even such a simple one as when you say, "Excuse me, may I borrow your pen for a moment?"

The damned narcissist will not just let it be about that pen. She's gotta exploit this interraction to play games with you. Quick, imagine that you're her: how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?

A normal person will weigh several considerations. She'll consider whether she can spare the pen for a moment. She'll consider the fact that you'll think she's a jerk if she doesn't hand it over. And she'll consider the future trouble an unfriendly relationship with you could cause her. She may consider why you never have a pen with you and why you never return one you borrow. Or she may be delighted to do you this favor because you have done her favors and she likes you. In any case, the last thing on a normal person's mind is the opportunity to play this interaction as a power play.

But that's all that's ever on a narcissist's mind. She doesn't like anyone. She doesn't care about being liked (just admired, feared, favored). She doesn't care about getting along with people. She is no more capable of considering the future consequences of her actions than any other three-year-old. Even the business at hand is no consideration to her. A thing is never about whatever it's about. It's always all about her ego instead, period.

So, she plays everything you say or do in a game to gratify her ego at your ego's expense.

Therefore, in one way or another, her answer to your request to borrow her pen is going to make you feel like two cents waiting for change. Count on it. Every single time.

Suck, suck, suck ... like a parasite. Like a hookworm infection, constantly bleeding you drop by drop. It adds up.

"How do you like the turkey and dressing?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?

"Which of these two business models do you think is best?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself (some more)?

There's no end it. It's exasperting because it IS experating. You never get through that brick wall a narcissist throws up to bounce back everything you say or do as a flattering reflection on him- or her-self. One that denies you one bit of gratification and sucks every bit of gratification in the transaction to herself. (See the book The Games People Play by Eric Berne.)

No communication ever gets through that wall. There is never any human connection. No meeting of the minds. Just this constant play off everything you say or do in a narcissist's infernal, eternal, infantile game-playing.

Normal people have self-respect. So, from an early age on, your first thought is to rise above this childishness. You couldn't bear to stoop to such silly competeing for vanities.

Right. But the mistake we often make is to think that "rising above it" means "taking it."

When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be used.

That's enabling. Does that do the narcissist any good?

Does that do yourself any good?

The ego is not an evil thing. Nature has instilled us with this aspect of our personality because it is highly adaptive. It houses the healthy narcissism responsible for our self-love and instinct for self-preservation. If we allow it to be turned traitor against ourselves though, it becomes our own worst enemy, the Enemy Within.

You can't let a parasite like a narcissist constantly bleed it without that happening. This is a narcissist's way of dumping his or her own ego problems on YOU. The narc is transfering his or her own shame and self-hatred to you, like as in a bad-blood transfusion.

Don't allow it. I'd hate to have to admit how long it took me to realize that I can't expect myself to be unharmed by it. Note the narcissism in THAT!!!

I am just a human being. I am not invincible. I can and will eventually be harmed by this constant bloodletting. No shame in acknowledging that, just appropriate modesty.

We all need a world in which "I'm okay, and you're okay." But narcissists deny you that. They impose a world in which they're perfect and you're hopelessly defective.

So, now, when I sense that someone is using me - using me as a mirror for that - I take that mirror away. They don't get to interract with me at all.

In theory, it's simple to deny your presence to a narcissist who abuses it. In practice, however, it sometimes gets complicated, because the situation doesn't always allow you to physically remove yourself from a narcissist's Pathological Space. Then you must analyze the situation and find working ways to deny them interaction.

But be sure to deny them inappropriate interaction with you. Don't allow it and then just IGNORE the put-down you get.

Doing that just gives them permission to use you. And giving others permission to use you will destroy your self-respect.

Source.

Female Narc

It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists.  In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently.  From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”.  That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA).  Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships.  This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc).  This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.

This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere.  Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships.  This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.

Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression.  Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain.  Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing.  The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.

Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end.  I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.

"Bazinga!"

Narcissists don't want to really help people and they certainly do not want to challenge a real bad guy because that could mean actually getting hurt! So they create bad guys out of safe people who they think won't challenge them because the narcissist is looking for an easy win that will allow them to shine.

They just make up stuff about their victim; voila, instant bad guy! The glory-hound narcissist will also deliberately overreact in public to perceived insults and 'crimes' to appear strong but they will only do so when the person they are confronting seems non-threatening.

For the narcissist to play the part of hero effectively, they expect their victims (the chosen bad guys) to follow their rules. You have to let them win. You have to act scared. You have to be cowed as they rage at you. You have to apologize. You have to admit fault even when you are not wrong. You have to be defeated because they have to win and that means you have to lose. You must lose face. You must lose ground. You must lose period.

That is why it is very common for narcissistic people to have their favorite bad guys that they attack and accuse on a regular basis. They aren't as eager to confront the unknown. They might misjudge and have real fight on their hands. So they train people in their lives to be the bad guys; people they have constant access to; people they can brainwash.

So if you are with someone who always makes you the bad guy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, you are most likely being used by a narcissist.

Lol...yerp.

Mentally disordered individuals use projection. Narcissists are some of the most adept at actively projecting what they are onto their targets. They are constantly and consistently full of accusations and criticisms, with their claims that YOU are doing exactly what THEY are doing - the definition of projection. They will lie to you but you will be called dishonest. They will cheat on you with a vengeance - but YOU are the cheater and sex addict. Start investigating their actions or questioning their accountability, and you are going to get the finger pointed at you for being sneaky, causing trouble, jealous and making up stories. Try to have a rational conversation with them - perhaps describing something hurtful they have done, NO WAY - because that makes you an abuser. You can't give them anything but glowing admiration - negative feedback will start their raging at you. You will be constantly criticized and severely and then called oversensitive if you show any feelings about it. When they say something, it's law and written in stone -- and you don't know what you are talking about --- EVER!!!

Words say plenty, but actions are irrefutable...

Because of your partner’s pathological narcissism, you are expected to do for them and honor them and sing their praises while basically, you receive nothing in return. Oh sure, they likely provides you with a roof over your head—perhaps even quite a nice one at that. There might be other impressive material things they provides, too. After all, if they suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism, they might want you encased in designer labels as well as to have diamonds flashing on your fingers and ears because these speak to others of their financial success. They may or may not be what you want to wear, however.

When you are the partner of a narcissist, you are there to project the image he wants for you—that he wants his partner to project. Of course, your house and lifestyle probably fall into this category, too. They are all about making statements to others he wishes to impress, not about providing you with the type of environment you might find comfortable or restful--an environment that feeds your soul.

Again, while the material things your narcissistic spouse provides might look good to the outside world, they likely will miss the nark with you. Nonetheless, he doesn’t care because indeed, it isn’t about you. How could you ever make such a mistake in thinking that it was? No indeed, it is all about him and his needs. And so, your narcissistic partner won’t care that you never receive the love and the emotional support you need to thrive. He doesn’t care that he has drained the emotional bank account dry—that you finally collapse, emotionally and physically depleted. You are both expendable and replaceable, my dear, because indeed, the narcissist you are merely an object to be used—not a human being with needs and feelings.