Monday, December 29, 2014
Psychopaths cannot change.
Psychopathy is incurable and untreatable. They do not want help, because they believe themselves to be superior to "regular" human beings. You do not have to worry that they're a changed man or woman, because they're not. They may give off the illusion of "goodness" in order to maintain an image of normalcy, but like anything else with a psychopath, it's all manufactured. They are incapable of seeing other human beings as unique individuals deserving of love & kindness. All they see is pawns on a chess board. Someone who is capable of abusing you (with silence, gas-lighting, cheating, and pathological lying) is not also capable of suddenly being a decent human being because they found a better partner. These qualities & behaviors are indicative of a serious personality disorder, not temporary symptoms a bad relationship.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
How do they operate?
With confidence and a smile. The person everyone loves...except for those behind closed doors closest to them.
With speed and secrecy. Rarely are they spotted and when they are they merely weave this into the grand plot.
With goals and purpose. They act with an end in mind and you are a resource to be tapped, used and discarded if no longer wanted.
They Deny.
They Excuse.
They Accuse.
They Lie.
Words for them are very cheap and other people even less so. This is who they are and they are not changing. Why should they? For them you are the problem and they are the solution.
With speed and secrecy. Rarely are they spotted and when they are they merely weave this into the grand plot.
With goals and purpose. They act with an end in mind and you are a resource to be tapped, used and discarded if no longer wanted.
They Deny.
They Excuse.
They Accuse.
They Lie.
Words for them are very cheap and other people even less so. This is who they are and they are not changing. Why should they? For them you are the problem and they are the solution.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Triangulation, and how they use it.
To draw you closer, the psychopath creates an aura of desirability—of being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for you to be the preferred object of their attention, to win them away from a crowd of admirers. They manufacture the illusion of popularity by surrounding themselves with members of the opposite sex: friends, former lovers, and your eventual replacement. Then, they create triangles that stimulate rivalry and raise their perceived value. (Adapted from “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene).
A note before I continue: people fall in and out of love. People find new love, before and after relationships come to an end. People cheat on one another. This section is not about these everyday occurrences—no matter how heartbreaking and unfair they might be. Instead, I will be describing a very specific set of patterns and behaviors that psychopaths utilize in order to torture and control their targets.
Psychopaths, like most predators, seek power and control. They want to dominate their partners sexually, emotionally, and physically. They do this by exploiting vulnerabilities. This is why they love-bomb you with attention and flattery in the beginning of the relationship—because no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default. Psychopaths don’t need physical aggression to control you (although sometimes they do). Instead, relationships provide them with the perfect opportunity to consume you by manufacturing the illusion of love. This is why it’s so damaging when bystanders say: “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized—first, you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this.
So how do psychopaths maintain such a powerful bond over their targets? One of their favorite methods is through triangulation. When I mention this term, survivors usually equate it with the next target, but that is not always the case. Psychopaths use triangulation on a regular basis to seem in “high-demand”, and to keep you obsessed with them at all times. This can occur with anyone:
1. Your family
2. Their family
3. Your friends
4. Their friends
5. Ex-partners
6. Partners-to-be
7. Complete strangers
The psychopath’s ability to groom others is unmatched. They feel an intense euphoria when they turn people against each other, especially when it’s over a competition for them. Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. They are constantly suggesting that they might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
The issue here is that you’re accustomed to such a high level of attention after they first lured you in, so it feels very personal & confusing when they direct that attention elsewhere. They know this. They’ll “forget” plans with you, and spend a few days with friends that they always complained about to you. They’ll ignore you to spend more time with their family, when they initially told you that they were all horrible people. They’ll seek sympathy from an ex when a member of their family dies, and explain that they just have a “special friendship” you wouldn’t understand. Often—if not always—that ex is someone they first claimed was abusive and unstable.
Seeking attention, sympathy and solace from people who are not you is a very common tactic of the psychopath. As an empathetic person, and as their partner, you rightfully feel that they should be seeking comfort in you. You’ve always healed them in the past, so what’s different now? They once claimed that they were a broken person, and that you were the reason they were happy again. But now, they turn to private friendships or past relationships that you could “never understand”. And they will always make sure to shove this in your face.
This brings me to the next topic: social media.
Technology makes it so much easier for psychopaths to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as liking a comment from an old ex, while ignoring one from you. They will “accidentally” upload a photo album where they’re embracing the ex they once claimed to hate. Everything appears to be unintentional—you often attribute it to insensitivity—but make no mistake: it is carefully calculated.
They will post strategically ambiguous statuses, songs, and videos that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new & old targets. For example, an inside joke with their new victim. Or the love song that they once shared with their ex. This does two things: it leaves you feeling unhinged, anxious, and jealous. But it also makes the competing party feel confident, loved, and special. They are grooming others as they erode your identity—two birds with one stone.
They want you to confront them about these things, because they are so seemingly minimal that you will appear crazy and jealous for bringing it up. They will calmly provide an excuse for everything and then blame you. Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. You can’t prove that they’re luring in their ex because of a song they posted, but you know it intuitively. This is how they finalize the crazy-making. Because let’s be honest: complaining about Facebook statuses & comments does seem immature. That’s exactly how they want you to feel.
Psychopaths are also expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers—insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others. This is why your giving seems so insignificant and replaceable during the relationship. They adore qualities in others who are nothing like you—sometimes even the exact opposite of you. The message is simple: you are no longer special. You are replaceable. If you don’t give them the worshipping they deserve, they’ll always have other sources. And even if you do give them positive energy, they’ll get bored of you eventually. They don’t need you. Their current round of fans will always spoil and admire them, making you believe that they truly must be a great person. But take a careful look around. You’ll notice that they all seem to have an unspoken misery about them.
The final triangulation happens when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting them, and how they don’t know if they can deal with your behavior anymore. They will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, they’ve been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why they aren’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship.
Well, the reason is that they’ve already made the decision to dump you—now they’re just torturing you. They only seek advice from people they know will agree with them. That “friend” they’re talking to is probably their next target.
After the breakup, they will openly brag about how happy they are with their new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. And even more surprising, they fully expect you to be happy for them. Otherwise you are bitter and jealous.
During this period, they make a post-dump assessment. If you grovel or beg, they are likely to find some value in your energy. They will be both disgusted and delighted by your behavior. If you lash out and begin uncovering their lies, they will do everything in their power to drive you to suicide. Even if you come back to them later with an apology, they will permanently despise any target who once dared talk back to them. You’ve seen too much—the predator behind the mask.
This is why they constantly wave their new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring their happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame the new target, instead of the true abuser.
Exes who stay strung do not understand that they are puppets to the psychopath. Instead, they feel that they are fulfilling some sort of beautiful duty as a friend—someone who will always be there for them. They don’t understand that they are only kept around to spice things up when the psychopath becomes bored. They don’t see that they are the basis of so many fights—not because their friendship with the psychopath is special and enviable, but because the psychopath intentionally creates that drama. They are operating under the delusion that their friendship with the psychopath is brilliant, unique, and unprecedented. When in reality, they are just used for triangulation.
So how can you protect yourself from this devastating emotional abuse? First, you must learn self-respect. I will discuss this in more detail later on in the book. But the bottom line is, you need know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. You should know that a partner who cheats and antagonizes is not worth your time. You should never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for their extremely sketchy behavior. But that’s hard to do with subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse.
So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.
Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.
Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.
Triangulation leaves long-lasting emotional scars, and it makes you feel as if you are a jealous, needy, insecure monster. Start healing those scars and understand that they were manufactured. You were not yourself—you were manipulated. The real you is kind, loving, open-minded, and compassionate. Never question these things again.
A note before I continue: people fall in and out of love. People find new love, before and after relationships come to an end. People cheat on one another. This section is not about these everyday occurrences—no matter how heartbreaking and unfair they might be. Instead, I will be describing a very specific set of patterns and behaviors that psychopaths utilize in order to torture and control their targets.
Psychopaths, like most predators, seek power and control. They want to dominate their partners sexually, emotionally, and physically. They do this by exploiting vulnerabilities. This is why they love-bomb you with attention and flattery in the beginning of the relationship—because no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default. Psychopaths don’t need physical aggression to control you (although sometimes they do). Instead, relationships provide them with the perfect opportunity to consume you by manufacturing the illusion of love. This is why it’s so damaging when bystanders say: “Well, why didn’t you just leave?” You never entered a relationship with the psychopath expecting to be abused, belittled, and criticized—first, you were tricked into falling in love, which is the strongest human bond in the world. Psychopaths know this.
So how do psychopaths maintain such a powerful bond over their targets? One of their favorite methods is through triangulation. When I mention this term, survivors usually equate it with the next target, but that is not always the case. Psychopaths use triangulation on a regular basis to seem in “high-demand”, and to keep you obsessed with them at all times. This can occur with anyone:
1. Your family
2. Their family
3. Your friends
4. Their friends
5. Ex-partners
6. Partners-to-be
7. Complete strangers
The psychopath’s ability to groom others is unmatched. They feel an intense euphoria when they turn people against each other, especially when it’s over a competition for them. Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. They are constantly suggesting that they might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
The issue here is that you’re accustomed to such a high level of attention after they first lured you in, so it feels very personal & confusing when they direct that attention elsewhere. They know this. They’ll “forget” plans with you, and spend a few days with friends that they always complained about to you. They’ll ignore you to spend more time with their family, when they initially told you that they were all horrible people. They’ll seek sympathy from an ex when a member of their family dies, and explain that they just have a “special friendship” you wouldn’t understand. Often—if not always—that ex is someone they first claimed was abusive and unstable.
Seeking attention, sympathy and solace from people who are not you is a very common tactic of the psychopath. As an empathetic person, and as their partner, you rightfully feel that they should be seeking comfort in you. You’ve always healed them in the past, so what’s different now? They once claimed that they were a broken person, and that you were the reason they were happy again. But now, they turn to private friendships or past relationships that you could “never understand”. And they will always make sure to shove this in your face.
This brings me to the next topic: social media.
Technology makes it so much easier for psychopaths to manipulate through triangulation. It can be as simple as liking a comment from an old ex, while ignoring one from you. They will “accidentally” upload a photo album where they’re embracing the ex they once claimed to hate. Everything appears to be unintentional—you often attribute it to insensitivity—but make no mistake: it is carefully calculated.
They will post strategically ambiguous statuses, songs, and videos that suggest you might be “losing” them. They will share things that are intentionally meant to lure in new & old targets. For example, an inside joke with their new victim. Or the love song that they once shared with their ex. This does two things: it leaves you feeling unhinged, anxious, and jealous. But it also makes the competing party feel confident, loved, and special. They are grooming others as they erode your identity—two birds with one stone.
They want you to confront them about these things, because they are so seemingly minimal that you will appear crazy and jealous for bringing it up. They will calmly provide an excuse for everything and then blame you. Covert abuse is impossible to prove, because it’s always strategically ambiguous. You can’t prove that they’re luring in their ex because of a song they posted, but you know it intuitively. This is how they finalize the crazy-making. Because let’s be honest: complaining about Facebook statuses & comments does seem immature. That’s exactly how they want you to feel.
Psychopaths are also expertly skilled at surrounding themselves with givers—insecure people who find self-worth in taking care of others. This is why your giving seems so insignificant and replaceable during the relationship. They adore qualities in others who are nothing like you—sometimes even the exact opposite of you. The message is simple: you are no longer special. You are replaceable. If you don’t give them the worshipping they deserve, they’ll always have other sources. And even if you do give them positive energy, they’ll get bored of you eventually. They don’t need you. Their current round of fans will always spoil and admire them, making you believe that they truly must be a great person. But take a careful look around. You’ll notice that they all seem to have an unspoken misery about them.
The final triangulation happens when they make the decision to abandon you. This is when they’ll begin freely talking about how much this relationship is hurting them, and how they don’t know if they can deal with your behavior anymore. They will usually mention talking to a close friend about your relationship, going into details about how they both agreed that your relationship wasn’t healthy. In the meantime, they’ve been blatantly ignoring frantic messages from you. You’ll be sitting there wondering why they aren’t chatting with you about these concerns, considering it’s your relationship.
Well, the reason is that they’ve already made the decision to dump you—now they’re just torturing you. They only seek advice from people they know will agree with them. That “friend” they’re talking to is probably their next target.
After the breakup, they will openly brag about how happy they are with their new partner, where most normal people would feel very embarrassed and secretive about entering a new relationship so quickly. And even more surprising, they fully expect you to be happy for them. Otherwise you are bitter and jealous.
During this period, they make a post-dump assessment. If you grovel or beg, they are likely to find some value in your energy. They will be both disgusted and delighted by your behavior. If you lash out and begin uncovering their lies, they will do everything in their power to drive you to suicide. Even if you come back to them later with an apology, they will permanently despise any target who once dared talk back to them. You’ve seen too much—the predator behind the mask.
This is why they constantly wave their new partner in your face, posting pictures and declaring their happiness online. Proving how happy and perfect they are. It’s a final attempt to drive you insane with triangulation. To make you blame the new target, instead of the true abuser.
Exes who stay strung do not understand that they are puppets to the psychopath. Instead, they feel that they are fulfilling some sort of beautiful duty as a friend—someone who will always be there for them. They don’t understand that they are only kept around to spice things up when the psychopath becomes bored. They don’t see that they are the basis of so many fights—not because their friendship with the psychopath is special and enviable, but because the psychopath intentionally creates that drama. They are operating under the delusion that their friendship with the psychopath is brilliant, unique, and unprecedented. When in reality, they are just used for triangulation.
So how can you protect yourself from this devastating emotional abuse? First, you must learn self-respect. I will discuss this in more detail later on in the book. But the bottom line is, you need know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. You should know that a partner who cheats and antagonizes is not worth your time. You should never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for their extremely sketchy behavior. But that’s hard to do with subtle, covert, crazy-making abuse.
So here’s where I introduce “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately. Remember your Constant? Do you play detective with them? Do you cyberstalk their Facebook page and question their every intention? No, of course not. So you know the common denominator is external.
Even if this sense of distrust feels obscure and unreasonable, trust your gut. If you are constantly worrying or doubting your thoughts, it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start taking action.
Miraculously, every single time you remove that toxic person from your life, you will find that the anxiety subsides. Some of us are better at judging ourselves than others, so this finally gives you a chance to put that to use. You can decide whether or not you like the way you feel around someone. No one can ever tell you that your feelings are wrong. Remember the question: “How are you feeling today?” The answer is all that matters.
Triangulation leaves long-lasting emotional scars, and it makes you feel as if you are a jealous, needy, insecure monster. Start healing those scars and understand that they were manufactured. You were not yourself—you were manipulated. The real you is kind, loving, open-minded, and compassionate. Never question these things again.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
How It Works.
Psychopathic Dosing: Small and temporary resurrections of the idealize phase to keep the victim under his/her control.
How it works:
1. Draw victim in with idealization/flattery
2. Victim becomes hooked to the idealization/flattery
3. Start to abuse the victim (typically begins with small, subtle criticisms)
4. Victim tries to remain easy-going and flexible, determined not to react.
5. Escalate the abuse
6. Victim reacts and might try to stand up for themselves.
7. Dose the victim with just enough idealization (Step 1) to distract from the abuse
8. Victim forgives/absorbs the abuse.
9. Repeat 1-8, over and over again.
10. Abuse continues to get worse and worse, and less dosing is required because the victim's boundaries are slowly being destroyed.
How it works:
1. Draw victim in with idealization/flattery
2. Victim becomes hooked to the idealization/flattery
3. Start to abuse the victim (typically begins with small, subtle criticisms)
4. Victim tries to remain easy-going and flexible, determined not to react.
5. Escalate the abuse
6. Victim reacts and might try to stand up for themselves.
7. Dose the victim with just enough idealization (Step 1) to distract from the abuse
8. Victim forgives/absorbs the abuse.
9. Repeat 1-8, over and over again.
10. Abuse continues to get worse and worse, and less dosing is required because the victim's boundaries are slowly being destroyed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Everything you ever knew is not true.
When you react strongly or tell someone that their behavior is hurting you, a good friend or partner will work to improve & avoid that behavior in the future. Unfortunately, psychopaths do the exact opposite. When they notice that a certain behavior is upsetting you, they adopt it as a new "strategy". The stronger you react, the better the strategy. If the silent treatment makes you beg and plead, they'll start giving you more silence. If hints of cheating & infidelity make you cry, they'll start tossing in more and more of those subtle suggestions. Our assumption is that all humans feel remorse when they see someone else in pain, but psychopaths exploit these most vulnerable cries for help and then amplify whatever is causing it.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Interesting.
When I speak of reprobation, I mean someone or group, by their own free will, repeatedly and consistently rejects God, grieves the Holy Spirit and ultimately calls evil good and good evil.
...maybe you have good reason for not stepping foot in church, or raising your children in church either.
...maybe you have good reason for not stepping foot in church, or raising your children in church either.
The goal
Psychopaths do things and then claim they never happened. This crazy-making behavior can range from serious things like cheating, to trivial things like slight changes in their schedule. If you have physical evidence of the lie, you'll be punished with silence and suddenly find yourself apologizing for "creating drama". The goal is to completely destabilize your perception of reality.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
That book you love to shove in others face, but never your own - it's got verses about you!
Proverbs 19:13 A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:19 It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Harsh.
When I found Israel,
it was like finding grapes in the desert;
when I saw your ancestors,
it was like seeing the early fruit on the fig tree.
But when they came to Baal Peor,
they consecrated themselves to that shameful idol
and became as vile as the thing they loved.
Ephraim’s glory will fly away like a bird—
no birth, no pregnancy, no conception.
Even if they rear children,
I will bereave them of every one.
Woe to them
when I turn away from them!
I have seen Ephraim, like Tyre,
planted in a pleasant place.
But Ephraim will bring out
their children to the slayer.”
Give them, Lord—
what will you give them?
Give them wombs that miscarry
and breasts that are dry.
Because of all their wickedness in Gilgal,
I hated them there.
Because of their sinful deeds,
I will drive them out of my house.
I will no longer love them;
all their leaders are rebellious.
Ephraim is blighted,
their root is withered,
they yield no fruit.
Even if they bear children,
I will slay their cherished offspring.
My God will reject them
because they have not obeyed him;
they will be wanderers among the nations.
The days of punishment are coming,
the days of reckoning are at hand.
Let Israel know this.
Because your sins are so many
and your hostility so great,
the prophet is considered a fool,
the inspired person a maniac.
The prophet, along with my God,
is the watchman over Ephraim,[a]
yet snares await him on all his paths,
and hostility in the house of his God.
it was like finding grapes in the desert;
when I saw your ancestors,
it was like seeing the early fruit on the fig tree.
But when they came to Baal Peor,
they consecrated themselves to that shameful idol
and became as vile as the thing they loved.
Ephraim’s glory will fly away like a bird—
no birth, no pregnancy, no conception.
Even if they rear children,
I will bereave them of every one.
Woe to them
when I turn away from them!
I have seen Ephraim, like Tyre,
planted in a pleasant place.
But Ephraim will bring out
their children to the slayer.”
Give them, Lord—
what will you give them?
Give them wombs that miscarry
and breasts that are dry.
Because of all their wickedness in Gilgal,
I hated them there.
Because of their sinful deeds,
I will drive them out of my house.
I will no longer love them;
all their leaders are rebellious.
Ephraim is blighted,
their root is withered,
they yield no fruit.
Even if they bear children,
I will slay their cherished offspring.
My God will reject them
because they have not obeyed him;
they will be wanderers among the nations.
The days of punishment are coming,
the days of reckoning are at hand.
Let Israel know this.
Because your sins are so many
and your hostility so great,
the prophet is considered a fool,
the inspired person a maniac.
The prophet, along with my God,
is the watchman over Ephraim,[a]
yet snares await him on all his paths,
and hostility in the house of his God.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Are you a narcissist?
- An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
- Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
- A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
- Difficulty with empathy
- Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
- Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
- Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
- Haughty body language
- Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
- Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
- Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
- Pretending to be more important than they really are
- Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
- Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
- Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
- Denial of remorse and gratitude
Anatomy of the narc-a-relationship:
1. Charm the target
2. Become super interested in target
3. Study and learn all about target & family and friends
4. Begin to isolate target/distance from friends and family
5. Alternate between positive and negative feeling to unbalance target
6. Gaslight target
7. Control target
8. Devalue target
9. Look for target replacement, then discard target
10. Go on crazy rampage. Then repeat.
Decoding the "Jealousy" bait narcs throw at discards.
What a narcissist means when s/he says that their new target is so much better:
"My new target is brilliant enough to worship me!"
"My new target is smart enough to worship me!"
"My new target is kind enough to be my supply, because I don't actually have any of my own!"
"My new target is full of virtues for me to live on, because I don't have any virtues of my own!"
"Look at my old discarded, used target - all used up. I proved that you are JUST LIKE ME because I spent all your patience and kindness on trying to fill my bottomless pit of evil."
"I am the better one because I threw YOU away, not the other way around."
"My new target is full of innocence and fresh worship for me. I am smarter now. I know how to trick this new supply into believing all my lies. This new supply will worship me longer, better, and harder than you."
"My new target is brilliant enough to worship me!"
"My new target is smart enough to worship me!"
"My new target is kind enough to be my supply, because I don't actually have any of my own!"
"My new target is full of virtues for me to live on, because I don't have any virtues of my own!"
"Look at my old discarded, used target - all used up. I proved that you are JUST LIKE ME because I spent all your patience and kindness on trying to fill my bottomless pit of evil."
"I am the better one because I threw YOU away, not the other way around."
"My new target is full of innocence and fresh worship for me. I am smarter now. I know how to trick this new supply into believing all my lies. This new supply will worship me longer, better, and harder than you."
Evil is evil, playa!
Sometimes, evil does not translate into violence or murder. Sometimes, evil can be difficult to detect. It can be masked by charm and flattery, and it is often perpetuated by pathological lying, projection, and various other mind games.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Only THEIR Terms & Conditions...because...they are superior, after all.
Relationships with these people are transactional and unidirectional. You will always give more than you receive. Some choose to stay in these relationship and I can't judge this decision as it is personal and was the decision I myself made. I can however warn you that staying comes at a risk and a price: Lack of support, lack of love and the very real risk that one day they themselves will fully devalue and discard you...ON THEIR complete TERMS AND CONDITIONS. I stayed and this is exactly what happened. In hindsight I wish that I had had more strength and independence to leave on my own and better control the conditions of my departure.
The meaning of the word CREEP.
When discussing these types with others I have have frequently heard or had people hint that they would have gotten out earlier knowing that this person clearly had problems and was a narcissist. The problem with this though is this: They didn't seem to have a problem...at first. It was a slow progression where one is slowly worn down, groomed and the abusive behaviors slowly applied.
Calling all idiots!
Mr. or Ms. Narcissist is successful in controlling others because if they aren't they simply move on to someone else or groups of someone else's. The non players are side stepped, ignored, avoided or vilified as the case may be...everyone else is left to serve as their useful idiot.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Narcissist Training Manual - Part 2.
1. Never be bored.
2. Don't spend time around people who do not give you something.
3. Never let loved one's feel too comfortable.
4. People are out to get you...get them first.
5. If you haven't gotten your way, keep trying.
6. Punish those who hurt you.
7. If alone in a room with your partner talking...ignore them.
8. Cheating is ok if you are bored.
9. Don't forget to say things like "that is awful", "I am sorry", "Let me get that for you"...lest they learn my secret indifference.
10. Did I get what I want?
2. Don't spend time around people who do not give you something.
3. Never let loved one's feel too comfortable.
4. People are out to get you...get them first.
5. If you haven't gotten your way, keep trying.
6. Punish those who hurt you.
7. If alone in a room with your partner talking...ignore them.
8. Cheating is ok if you are bored.
9. Don't forget to say things like "that is awful", "I am sorry", "Let me get that for you"...lest they learn my secret indifference.
10. Did I get what I want?
Narcissist Training Manual - Part 1.
1. When in a social situation with your partner always keep talking.
2. Keep telling your story until you yourself believe it.
3. People come in four varieties: People to use, people to destroy, people to avoid, fresh new people.
4. Partners only have a few good years in them, use them up before they spoil.
5. Remember to look good and act hip. Remember dress, music and props.
6. Never accept anything but having it your way.
7. Lose anyone who doesn't live up to your standards.
8. If your partner speaks, explain how they could improve.
9. Sex is a tool to achieve a goal.
10. Remind partners that without you they will never survive.
2. Keep telling your story until you yourself believe it.
3. People come in four varieties: People to use, people to destroy, people to avoid, fresh new people.
4. Partners only have a few good years in them, use them up before they spoil.
5. Remember to look good and act hip. Remember dress, music and props.
6. Never accept anything but having it your way.
7. Lose anyone who doesn't live up to your standards.
8. If your partner speaks, explain how they could improve.
9. Sex is a tool to achieve a goal.
10. Remind partners that without you they will never survive.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
me me me me me
Do nice things for me.
See how hip I am.
Watch how confident I appear.
See how decisively I act.
Are you having a ton of fun?
Stick near me and some of my hipness will rub off on YOU.
Ok, I have had enough...give me some space.
See how hip I am.
Watch how confident I appear.
See how decisively I act.
Are you having a ton of fun?
Stick near me and some of my hipness will rub off on YOU.
Ok, I have had enough...give me some space.
How dare you be comfortable?
Give, give, give...then feel like shit afterwards. Every single one of these people are takers. They love to receive. Every day is THEM day.
Bring a gift, bring your love, your devotion, your undivided attention and your soul.
Don't feel too comfortable though because this makes them uncomfortable...feeling comfortable is THEIR realm, not yours. You are just the delivery person. Serve until better comes along.
Bring a gift, bring your love, your devotion, your undivided attention and your soul.
Don't feel too comfortable though because this makes them uncomfortable...feeling comfortable is THEIR realm, not yours. You are just the delivery person. Serve until better comes along.
It couldn't have ended any other way.
Whatever happened in your relationship with the psychopath, and no matter how awful the final discard was, it could not have happened any other way. The D&D (devalue and discard) is the psychopath's goal—the final payoff. They get to cause you the maximum amount of pain they can (sheer delight for them), and move on to fresh supply to start the game again. How could you have possibly prevented that? You can't—not with someone who is actively working against you, using love-bombing and trust, and a false persona, to set you up for a horrifying downfall.
You struggled through the relationship, watching the psychopath slowly pull away, devalue you, wondering what you had done wrong, and desperately trying to "fix" things between you. And all the while, they kept adding to the pressure—building your fears, your panic, and your addiction. It was deliberate and calculated.
There's no embarrassment in what you did, trying to save what you thought you had. At least, there shouldn't be. If you were with a normal person, it may have worked. But then, with a normal person, he or she would have met you half way, to work on any problems. The psychopath knew what they were doing—manipulating the situation and you, to create your desperation, and to increase your pain. It was the game. And if you haven't gone total No Contact, it still is.
You tried your best. In fact, you did more than your best, as you knocked down your own boundaries, trying to change and prevent what was coming. But in the end, there was nothing you could do—it was designed by the psychopath to end like it did. You could be the most stunning, accomplished, intelligent person, and it still wouldn't matter. It wouldn't have stopped the discard. Nothing will.
In the end, it really wasn't you, it was the psychopath. You tried to deal openly, honestly, and lovingly with someone who exploited that, and used it against you. You are not the sick person, the psychopath is. So please, learn to forgive yourself. You were in an unfair, exploitative, parasitic relationship, and how you reacted is how any normal, healthy person would have. You were being manipulated, and responded the way the psychopath wanted you to.
Now you are wiser. Now, you will grow from what you've learned, and become stronger. Your boundaries will be reaffirmed, and grow stronger as well. The psychopath did not destroy you—they have only tried to convince you of that. But that's the addiction talking. Rise up—be a better you. And remember, it couldn't have ended any other way.
You struggled through the relationship, watching the psychopath slowly pull away, devalue you, wondering what you had done wrong, and desperately trying to "fix" things between you. And all the while, they kept adding to the pressure—building your fears, your panic, and your addiction. It was deliberate and calculated.
There's no embarrassment in what you did, trying to save what you thought you had. At least, there shouldn't be. If you were with a normal person, it may have worked. But then, with a normal person, he or she would have met you half way, to work on any problems. The psychopath knew what they were doing—manipulating the situation and you, to create your desperation, and to increase your pain. It was the game. And if you haven't gone total No Contact, it still is.
You tried your best. In fact, you did more than your best, as you knocked down your own boundaries, trying to change and prevent what was coming. But in the end, there was nothing you could do—it was designed by the psychopath to end like it did. You could be the most stunning, accomplished, intelligent person, and it still wouldn't matter. It wouldn't have stopped the discard. Nothing will.
In the end, it really wasn't you, it was the psychopath. You tried to deal openly, honestly, and lovingly with someone who exploited that, and used it against you. You are not the sick person, the psychopath is. So please, learn to forgive yourself. You were in an unfair, exploitative, parasitic relationship, and how you reacted is how any normal, healthy person would have. You were being manipulated, and responded the way the psychopath wanted you to.
Now you are wiser. Now, you will grow from what you've learned, and become stronger. Your boundaries will be reaffirmed, and grow stronger as well. The psychopath did not destroy you—they have only tried to convince you of that. But that's the addiction talking. Rise up—be a better you. And remember, it couldn't have ended any other way.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Showing signs of affection is beneath them.
Body language experts have found that narcissistic partners are those that walk in front of their mates - often leaving them behind in a passive aggressive and subversive indicator that the mate is not important.
The narcissist also engages in Non-reciprocating body language, where the mate is often very affectionate and touchy feely with the narcissist while the narcissist remains guarded, closed off, self absorbed and cold.
Narcs are emotionally distant and detached. They will request you to be present for every event they partake in but only for a reason , "to take their photo" of whatever it's they are doing. They couldn't care less if they uttered one spoken word and expressed one drop of emotion. Everything they do is with their best interest in mind. Should you request a family photo with them they will look in the opposite direction of the camera. Should you wish to have a family vacation they will not help prepare days in advance to pack, secure the hotel and make the proper payments, or even discuss dates and times needed for scheduling but will when the work is finished hurry and jump in the car, put their heads back w/o communication/conversation, pretend as if sleeping or totally oblivious to the world around them and bring with them their lil overnight bag forgetting this was a trip for the family disregarding what the family needs to have prepared and packed. As for their body language it truly speaks volumes.
Narcissists are the least romantic individuals unless you're in the initial love bombing stages in which they try to portray themselves as loving just long enough to win the target over. Soon the mask falls and the cold , shy, calculated behaviors come aboard. Narcissists do not know how to show love, as they repress their emotions. They do not support their significant others and will not show any unconditional love. Attention is obsolete with targets feeling as though they are alone yet in a relationship. Ever walk with a narc and have them walk in front or behind but never side by side. Try shopping with them and have them run off into aisles, hide in bathrooms, or simply walk away from you the second you enter the store. Try showing affection to a narc and it will go unanswered.
They are like sponges the more you give the more they take but they never reciprocate. Showing signs of affection is beneath them. To them romance and love is not something to truly hold near and dear to their heart. They couldn't care less. They feel the common man or woman is mislead into thinking this is the norm , but as we learn narcs are far from the norm....
The narcissist also engages in Non-reciprocating body language, where the mate is often very affectionate and touchy feely with the narcissist while the narcissist remains guarded, closed off, self absorbed and cold.
Narcs are emotionally distant and detached. They will request you to be present for every event they partake in but only for a reason , "to take their photo" of whatever it's they are doing. They couldn't care less if they uttered one spoken word and expressed one drop of emotion. Everything they do is with their best interest in mind. Should you request a family photo with them they will look in the opposite direction of the camera. Should you wish to have a family vacation they will not help prepare days in advance to pack, secure the hotel and make the proper payments, or even discuss dates and times needed for scheduling but will when the work is finished hurry and jump in the car, put their heads back w/o communication/conversation, pretend as if sleeping or totally oblivious to the world around them and bring with them their lil overnight bag forgetting this was a trip for the family disregarding what the family needs to have prepared and packed. As for their body language it truly speaks volumes.
Narcissists are the least romantic individuals unless you're in the initial love bombing stages in which they try to portray themselves as loving just long enough to win the target over. Soon the mask falls and the cold , shy, calculated behaviors come aboard. Narcissists do not know how to show love, as they repress their emotions. They do not support their significant others and will not show any unconditional love. Attention is obsolete with targets feeling as though they are alone yet in a relationship. Ever walk with a narc and have them walk in front or behind but never side by side. Try shopping with them and have them run off into aisles, hide in bathrooms, or simply walk away from you the second you enter the store. Try showing affection to a narc and it will go unanswered.
They are like sponges the more you give the more they take but they never reciprocate. Showing signs of affection is beneath them. To them romance and love is not something to truly hold near and dear to their heart. They couldn't care less. They feel the common man or woman is mislead into thinking this is the norm , but as we learn narcs are far from the norm....
Friday, July 25, 2014
Desperately needs superiority. Because anything else is *inferiority*.
"If someone is rich, or pretty, or overly positive or even incredibly interesting, I'll find a little flaw in them I meditate on so as not to feel inferior."
The journal of a narcissist.
The journal of a narcissist.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
It really is a shame. Shame.
In the narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all.
What psychologists call, "bypassed" shame looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage.
Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the self. It can never be their fault.
The need to avoid shame at all costs create a continuing dilemma for the narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride.
There's always someone brighter, better, more beautiful, more everything.
The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to a narcissist because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law.
Their challenge is to stay pumped up inside in order to hold harsh realities at bay.
What psychologists call, "bypassed" shame looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage.
Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the self. It can never be their fault.
The need to avoid shame at all costs create a continuing dilemma for the narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride.
There's always someone brighter, better, more beautiful, more everything.
The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to a narcissist because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law.
Their challenge is to stay pumped up inside in order to hold harsh realities at bay.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
A threat to them = a bad influence on you...curious, isn't it?
Often I would get roundabout nudging when it came to persuading me not to do something I felt compelled to do or felt strongly about. However I remember once shortly after being reunited with old friends I was told something along these lines:
"Normally I would create some elaborate story or reasons why you shouldn't talk to Laura and Karen, but not this time...I am just going to come straight out with it: I do not want you associating with them anymore. They are not a good influence on you and I am threatened by them. Slowly taper off your relations with them and let me decide who we associate with. I mean it, you are not allowed to associate with them...do you understand?"
And before you know it, everyone is a threat.
"Normally I would create some elaborate story or reasons why you shouldn't talk to Laura and Karen, but not this time...I am just going to come straight out with it: I do not want you associating with them anymore. They are not a good influence on you and I am threatened by them. Slowly taper off your relations with them and let me decide who we associate with. I mean it, you are not allowed to associate with them...do you understand?"
And before you know it, everyone is a threat.
Enmeshment
"You shouldn't talk about our family's business"
" You shouldn't ____"
"In the future, please come to me first before ____."
"Tell me everything that was said"
Sound familiar?
" You shouldn't ____"
"In the future, please come to me first before ____."
"Tell me everything that was said"
Sound familiar?
if only
Survivors are often left with "if only" moments, thinking back and wishing we hadn't done certain things that supposedly ruined the perfect relationship. But if your partner really ever cared about you, you wouldn't be running every single one of your mistakes through your mind, wondering with each one if that was the reason you were replaced or harmed. If your entire relationship was hanging on a few “if only” moment going differently, then it was a toxic relationship. This means you were walking on eggshells, on the brink of a breakup any time something didn't go exactly according to plan. This is not companionship and support. This is what silence & abuse does to a loving, compassionate human being. This is what happens when one person refuses to take any responsibility for their actions, while the other is willing to absorb all of the blame if it means keeping the peace.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
The excuses we tell ourselves...
1. "Maybe it is all in my head":
Lets see:
I used to be happy, have friends, attended family functions, stayed up late, could make decisions on spending (even if wrong), go out and do things, make whatever I wanted for dinner and stack the cupboard any which way I liked. Nope...not in your head.
If you feel nervous before arriving home, wondering if it is ok to heat up a frozen entree or feel the need to get permission before communicating with other humans...it is not in your head.
You have yourself a problem, masquerading as a loved one.
2. "(S)he wouldn't go that far"
Please think again. Yes, they will go that far...possibly even farther. A narcissist in rage mode is capable of quite a bit:
Alienating the kids.
Emotionally abusing those near and dear.
Leaving you homeless.
Accusing you of crimes or abuse.
Having you arrested.
Stealing the money.
Destroying property.
Ruining your relationships.
Getting you fired.
3. "Maybe if they get some help or medication"
Nope. Probably not going to happen and if by chance you do manage to convince them to walk into a therapist office you can expect one of the following:
1. They feel they do not need to go because everything is ok with them.
2. They will feel that the therapist doesn't know what they are talking about.
3. They will convince the therapist that it is you with the problem.
4. They will feign interest while continuing to harass and abuse you in secret.
4. " I will stick it out for the kids sake"
You can stay and tell yourself that you will put up with anything for the kids sake but here is an important truth you should be aware of:
There is no guarantee that they will.
You could put up with years of gaslighting, devaluing and cruel emotional games and then one day unexpectedly find yourself facing homelessness, custody of your children being taken away and false allegations of various abuse. All while your ex has shacked up with a stunning twenty four year old super model or a wealthy corporate executive who bought into her tales of your neglect or worse.
When a narcissist leaves you it is often on their complete terms:
They move the money.
They hide the financial paperwork.
They prepare evidence and a case against you.
They build up a strong support network.
They tear you down emotionally.
They assassinate your character.
All while you try to keep the marriage going or simply put up with the abuse. One day you are shuttling kids to soccer games or working long hours and the next day you are discarded like yesterdays garbage.
----
Copy/pasted. This is beyond creepy.
Lets see:
I used to be happy, have friends, attended family functions, stayed up late, could make decisions on spending (even if wrong), go out and do things, make whatever I wanted for dinner and stack the cupboard any which way I liked. Nope...not in your head.
If you feel nervous before arriving home, wondering if it is ok to heat up a frozen entree or feel the need to get permission before communicating with other humans...it is not in your head.
You have yourself a problem, masquerading as a loved one.
2. "(S)he wouldn't go that far"
Please think again. Yes, they will go that far...possibly even farther. A narcissist in rage mode is capable of quite a bit:
Alienating the kids.
Emotionally abusing those near and dear.
Leaving you homeless.
Accusing you of crimes or abuse.
Having you arrested.
Stealing the money.
Destroying property.
Ruining your relationships.
Getting you fired.
3. "Maybe if they get some help or medication"
Nope. Probably not going to happen and if by chance you do manage to convince them to walk into a therapist office you can expect one of the following:
1. They feel they do not need to go because everything is ok with them.
2. They will feel that the therapist doesn't know what they are talking about.
3. They will convince the therapist that it is you with the problem.
4. They will feign interest while continuing to harass and abuse you in secret.
4. " I will stick it out for the kids sake"
You can stay and tell yourself that you will put up with anything for the kids sake but here is an important truth you should be aware of:
There is no guarantee that they will.
You could put up with years of gaslighting, devaluing and cruel emotional games and then one day unexpectedly find yourself facing homelessness, custody of your children being taken away and false allegations of various abuse. All while your ex has shacked up with a stunning twenty four year old super model or a wealthy corporate executive who bought into her tales of your neglect or worse.
When a narcissist leaves you it is often on their complete terms:
They move the money.
They hide the financial paperwork.
They prepare evidence and a case against you.
They build up a strong support network.
They tear you down emotionally.
They assassinate your character.
All while you try to keep the marriage going or simply put up with the abuse. One day you are shuttling kids to soccer games or working long hours and the next day you are discarded like yesterdays garbage.
----
Copy/pasted. This is beyond creepy.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Oh honey, let's not "fight"...play along like the way I treat you is COMPLETELY NORMAL!
I didn't catch the signs at the beginning of the relationshit (intentional) but they were there in retrospect. One of the biggest was all the testing.
"Can I upset you?
How far can i push an issue?
Will you yell? Will you punish me back?
Will you brood?
How vicious can I take it before you react? Before you leave?
What happens when I do something you love or hate?
Test, test, test.
Oh honey...lets not fight. I simply want to know what I can get away with before I start training you."
Covert Narc Training - Once you're brainwashed:
You are less capable than you ever thought you were. Forget that job in accounting or degree in psychology...your skills in counting or understanding the human mind will slowly be eroded, replaced with their fears, doubts and worry and deferred to the expert with their natural intuitive powers of intelligence and experience. Your JesusMahatmaMotherTheresaGandhi knows more than you and any other twelve thousand people and will be happy to guide and remind you of how much practice you STILL need.
You need to seek therapy, they'll say.
You need to find Jesus, they'll say.
You need to go to rehab, they'll say.
You need serious help, they'll say.
You are hurting this family, they'll say.
You are selfish and blind, they'll say.
I only want you to be a better person. Look at all the people I have convinced of your invalidity! See! It's not ME, it's YOU.
I'm only trying to help you. You can't help it. You just have a problem. You just have a disease. God can help. Counseling can help. I just want to live a long life with you! I am just trying to help you help yourself. Poor baby. It must be hard having that disease. I will be here for you, I just need you to show you care about our family by getting the help you so desperately need!
But be very clear: YOU are the one who needs help. You're an idiot if you think anything else.
They can't bear the mirror, but they can't stop looking into it and projecting onto you.
Control. First a little here and there. Then it is what color toothbrush you should buy and how best to use the toilet, what kind of pants you should be wearing.
When they socialize it is holy...when you do it is never with the right people or for the right reasons. Family will be portrayed as meddling, close friends as interring or bad influences and everyone else either beneath you, poor or lame. Never should you be left alone with others either. If by chance you are allowed they'll want a full briefing of what transpired.
Notice that each of these previous posts have an agenda behind them: control, isolation, unbalance, devaluing, etc.
It took time to slowly drip feed these abuses to you and it took time for you to doubt your perceptions, feel like crap and get lost in a cloud of fog. This is when it's easy to slide into drug or alcohol abuse to start to cope with the confused devastation and cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. It didn't happen overnight and it was likely subtle...it could and does happen to anyone! Do not spend a single moment questioning how this could have happened to you because it happens to people of all stripes, backgrounds and education.
...You know what the creepy thing is? I (Denise) didn't write this...this is copy pasta from another unfortunate soul who fell in the Narc trap. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME: Zombies.
"Can I upset you?
How far can i push an issue?
Will you yell? Will you punish me back?
Will you brood?
How vicious can I take it before you react? Before you leave?
What happens when I do something you love or hate?
Test, test, test.
Oh honey...lets not fight. I simply want to know what I can get away with before I start training you."
Covert Narc Training - Once you're brainwashed:
You are less capable than you ever thought you were. Forget that job in accounting or degree in psychology...your skills in counting or understanding the human mind will slowly be eroded, replaced with their fears, doubts and worry and deferred to the expert with their natural intuitive powers of intelligence and experience. Your JesusMahatmaMotherTheresaGandhi knows more than you and any other twelve thousand people and will be happy to guide and remind you of how much practice you STILL need.
You need to seek therapy, they'll say.
You need to find Jesus, they'll say.
You need to go to rehab, they'll say.
You need serious help, they'll say.
You are hurting this family, they'll say.
You are selfish and blind, they'll say.
I only want you to be a better person. Look at all the people I have convinced of your invalidity! See! It's not ME, it's YOU.
I'm only trying to help you. You can't help it. You just have a problem. You just have a disease. God can help. Counseling can help. I just want to live a long life with you! I am just trying to help you help yourself. Poor baby. It must be hard having that disease. I will be here for you, I just need you to show you care about our family by getting the help you so desperately need!
But be very clear: YOU are the one who needs help. You're an idiot if you think anything else.
They can't bear the mirror, but they can't stop looking into it and projecting onto you.
Control. First a little here and there. Then it is what color toothbrush you should buy and how best to use the toilet, what kind of pants you should be wearing.
When they socialize it is holy...when you do it is never with the right people or for the right reasons. Family will be portrayed as meddling, close friends as interring or bad influences and everyone else either beneath you, poor or lame. Never should you be left alone with others either. If by chance you are allowed they'll want a full briefing of what transpired.
Notice that each of these previous posts have an agenda behind them: control, isolation, unbalance, devaluing, etc.
It took time to slowly drip feed these abuses to you and it took time for you to doubt your perceptions, feel like crap and get lost in a cloud of fog. This is when it's easy to slide into drug or alcohol abuse to start to cope with the confused devastation and cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. It didn't happen overnight and it was likely subtle...it could and does happen to anyone! Do not spend a single moment questioning how this could have happened to you because it happens to people of all stripes, backgrounds and education.
...You know what the creepy thing is? I (Denise) didn't write this...this is copy pasta from another unfortunate soul who fell in the Narc trap. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME: Zombies.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
Are we clear?
Assault is an intentional, unwanted, touching of another person.
Self-defense is a defense to a claim of assault that requires a reasonable belief that an assault against you is imminent, and your response must be reasonably proportional to the force used against you.
Self-defense is a defense to a claim of assault that requires a reasonable belief that an assault against you is imminent, and your response must be reasonably proportional to the force used against you.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
I call fives!
Our personal stories have been moved to fresh bloggy digs, to be prepared for publishing a book with all the dirty details. Stay tuned - links to come soon.
This blog will remain a generalized collection of anecdotes about the eerie mold from which all narcissists come. It's STUNNING how similar they all are.
This blog will remain a generalized collection of anecdotes about the eerie mold from which all narcissists come. It's STUNNING how similar they all are.
Tricky, tricky, tricky!
People will join the smear campaign no matter what you say or present to them, perhaps not all...but many.
Much of the campaigning will have occurred before you caught wind of it and will have twists and turns you won't be privy to.
This is done on purpose so that you desperately or frantically try to defend against one issue while they are talking about another: in other words to make you look out of touch or erratic.
They are counting on this reaction out of you. You are as much an actor in their play as anyone with them in role of director and producer.
Much of the campaigning will have occurred before you caught wind of it and will have twists and turns you won't be privy to.
This is done on purpose so that you desperately or frantically try to defend against one issue while they are talking about another: in other words to make you look out of touch or erratic.
They are counting on this reaction out of you. You are as much an actor in their play as anyone with them in role of director and producer.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
The Narcissist neither forgives nor forgets...
There’s another reason a relationship with a narcissist will be rocky: According to the work of Julie Juola Exline and others, conflict resolution is well-nigh impossible with narcissists, because they are skeptical about the value of forgiveness, on the one hand, and easily offended, on the other. They tend to run a cost-benefit analysis when there has been a transgression of any sort in a relationship and, generally, don’t see the benefit of either forgiving or forgetting. They are quick to hold a grudge.
There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.
There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.
Gaslighting 101 - Pierce The Darkness contribution
Gas lighting is a form of brainwashing.
Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.
Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.
Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial
There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:
"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"
It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.
Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets
Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation
In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:
1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears
In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:
1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”
Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe
Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:
1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”
Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.
Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.
Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial
There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:
"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"
It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.
Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets
Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation
In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:
1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears
In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:
1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”
Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe
Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:
1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”
- Pierce The Darkness - (Excerpt 1)
Relationships with narcissists are unidirectional and transactional. They take and you give.
A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.
You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.
People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.
Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.
A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.
You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.
People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.
Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Intent.
Many of the same behaviors, tactics and techniques used to deceive us by narcissists are exactly the same tactics and techniques used to interest us, draw us closer, charm and seduce too. What is different is not the behavior or tactic...but the intent.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Onward & Upward
...we each had heard many of the same exact lines from our exes, the exact same behaviors and spent just as long trying to figure this stuff all out. Narcissism happens, and it happens to men as well as women. The same lack of empathy, the same cruelty, the same walking on eggshells. We are all much more alike than we are different.
For extra brutality, add a beatdown section.
I have more respect, hope, and love
for the man who beat the crap out of me in drunken rages
stalked me for 18 months when I left him and went into hiding
attempted to murder my quadriplegic boyfriend
and is now in prison for the next 16 years, with a lifetime no-contact order
than I do for you.
Because he has a heart. He can FEEL. He feels regret.
And he is man enough to sincerely apologize.
And he works hard to make his life right for his son.
Your crimes are worse because they aren't against a grown person
You slaughter your own children
without apology.
without so much as a single glimmer of recognition for your depravity.
The world is safer with him here, and you in his place.
Alone, in a 8x8 cell, until you finally realize just how brutal
your cuts to their souls really are.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
It's so insane, you'd never believe it...and they count on that.
A high functioning narcissist will put much thought into where they attack you. They will have spent years emotionally abusing you in your home behind closed doors while simultaneously presenting the opposite impression outside to everyone else. Each is meant to wear you down, weaken and control you. But they do not stop there. They look at who you are as a person and what you look to for strength and will head over there in due time. You can expect then that they will turn to any church or place of worship you might visit as a place to get you, your appearance or personal habits are very fair game too...as are the family pets, any hobbies, pursuits and interests you engage in during your down time. All of these will be turned upside down and inside out and drudged up as evidence of your recklessness. How you say? Well, an interest in outdoor activities become reckless adventure seeking; Reiki, yoga and crystals become dangerous occult practices and your hobby of baking cupcakes: a clear inability to provide basic nutrition, a healthy lifestyle and is a pursuit that must be stopped immediately.
Did you make chocolate cupcakes? Expect requests for a restraining order, limited visitation and new doctors.
Good grief...I wish I were exaggerating.
Oh yeah...and fluffy the cat? A dangerous asthma inducing pest that must be put down for humanity's sake.
Did you make chocolate cupcakes? Expect requests for a restraining order, limited visitation and new doctors.
Good grief...I wish I were exaggerating.
Oh yeah...and fluffy the cat? A dangerous asthma inducing pest that must be put down for humanity's sake.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
All that love, attention and care you gave in the relationship is not lost...it was real, it still exists and it still matters. It may not have been appreciated, valued or reciprocated by your ex but it was real and will manifest itself again in some other way or relationship.
Ever noticed how they would claim they were the ones doing all the work, giving all the attention, taking all the abuse? How many of you have narcs that still tell you that they aren't your punching bag anymore - and they seem to believe themselves!
Their backwards sob stories, and that cold, steely confidence they love to show others is nothing but a facade to cover up their own crimes and desperately hidden fears. Everything is fake and unnatural.
Ever noticed how they would claim they were the ones doing all the work, giving all the attention, taking all the abuse? How many of you have narcs that still tell you that they aren't your punching bag anymore - and they seem to believe themselves!
Their backwards sob stories, and that cold, steely confidence they love to show others is nothing but a facade to cover up their own crimes and desperately hidden fears. Everything is fake and unnatural.
In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through.
Today he looked at me and said, "You know, I think you think she has a soul. She doesn't."
But she likes to go hiking, and to prosthelytize about ethics and morals.
"Doesn't the devil do that? Doesn't he like to observe beautiful things so he can find ways to crush and destroy them? Doesn't he like to masquerade, and rage when it's removed? Doesn't he like to fool himself with a lofty, lying mirror? Doesn't he like surrounding himself only with people who believe he is amazing?"
I was stunned, really. He doesn't speak like this.
But she loves her children.
Laughter. "Does she? Or is it the way they worship her because she's convinced and trained them from birth that she - and only she - can meet their every need - even above their own selves. Is that love? You know better. She is nothing but an empty emulation of everything she wishes she could be, but knows she never will be."
Everyone has a soul, honey. God must still have a purpose for her, or she wouldn't be here.
"You believe that if you need to. Was Hitler purposed for God? Or was he serving someone else's purpose? I have seen her, and known her, and mark my words, she is a soulless creature with a mirror. Nothing more, nothing less."
I hate it when you talk about her because you say such disparaging things, and you never speak ill of anyone.
"I wish I had never come to know someone with a truth as savage as hers. She has ripped my first two children in half, and she is gleeful about it. She is not worth a single word out of my mouth, or a single thought in my brain. And unless you bring her up, I have years of experience eradicating her from my consciousness. You will learn how to do the same when you realize that she has no soul. There are no prayers. She is dead, and and anyone she has convinced otherwise will suffer for it eventually."
Do you think she is glad you hate her?
"I don't hate her. I used to hate her, until I realized there is no being to hate. She is simply a skin-covered void, with a natural fupa, no less. I have my peace with God, and my prayers of protection over my children. I will never go near her again, for as much as I can help it. Her emptiness is a liquid disease that seeps in any and every space it can find to exploit. She has already disfigured two of my children, and made fools out of my parents. The only thing she is glad for is her own power and poison."
Do you think she would be sad or hurt if she heard you say these things?
"No. There you go thinking she has a soul again."
But she likes to go hiking, and to prosthelytize about ethics and morals.
"Doesn't the devil do that? Doesn't he like to observe beautiful things so he can find ways to crush and destroy them? Doesn't he like to masquerade, and rage when it's removed? Doesn't he like to fool himself with a lofty, lying mirror? Doesn't he like surrounding himself only with people who believe he is amazing?"
I was stunned, really. He doesn't speak like this.
But she loves her children.
Laughter. "Does she? Or is it the way they worship her because she's convinced and trained them from birth that she - and only she - can meet their every need - even above their own selves. Is that love? You know better. She is nothing but an empty emulation of everything she wishes she could be, but knows she never will be."
Everyone has a soul, honey. God must still have a purpose for her, or she wouldn't be here.
"You believe that if you need to. Was Hitler purposed for God? Or was he serving someone else's purpose? I have seen her, and known her, and mark my words, she is a soulless creature with a mirror. Nothing more, nothing less."
I hate it when you talk about her because you say such disparaging things, and you never speak ill of anyone.
"I wish I had never come to know someone with a truth as savage as hers. She has ripped my first two children in half, and she is gleeful about it. She is not worth a single word out of my mouth, or a single thought in my brain. And unless you bring her up, I have years of experience eradicating her from my consciousness. You will learn how to do the same when you realize that she has no soul. There are no prayers. She is dead, and and anyone she has convinced otherwise will suffer for it eventually."
Do you think she is glad you hate her?
"I don't hate her. I used to hate her, until I realized there is no being to hate. She is simply a skin-covered void, with a natural fupa, no less. I have my peace with God, and my prayers of protection over my children. I will never go near her again, for as much as I can help it. Her emptiness is a liquid disease that seeps in any and every space it can find to exploit. She has already disfigured two of my children, and made fools out of my parents. The only thing she is glad for is her own power and poison."
Do you think she would be sad or hurt if she heard you say these things?
"No. There you go thinking she has a soul again."
the tao of narcs
A narcissist I have noticed will take virtually any situation and turn it upside down and inside out. The smallest innocent things become wildly distorted issues that are then paraded in court, in front of evaluators and told to psychologists. It is inescapable...this is just the tao of narcs.
Narcissists want "feel good", success and recognition even if its fake, achieved by questionable means or a lie. They are always chasing, working around or scheming to get most of the things in their life. If it somehow doesn't work out...they'll simply tell themselves that it isn't important over and over until they believe it or forget doubt. Then they'll replace it. This applies to everything from idea's to friends to you. They are never satisfied ultimately because they are always looking for the wrong thing and incapable of accepting or seeing their true deficit.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is by definition a sophisticated manipulation tactic which offenders/ violators and sociopathic types of personalities use to create doubt in the minds of their victims.Gaslighting is also a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred.
Dr, George Simon stated " Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work."
Offenders/ Violators will often use specific phrases and techniques to gaslight their victims . They will Counter, where they will vehemently call into question the victims recollection even though it is correct or substantiated by others. They will often do this in an angry, patronizing,accusatory, or condescending tone. this is the fist step in making the victim doubt their perception. They will Block and Divert, where the Offender/ violator will change the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation, Often offering up their opinion as the means of controlling the conversation. They will TRIVIALIZE making the victim think the incident was a "small thing" or "Not that Serious". Often using more serious events in comparison to attempt to trivialize their actions. They will attempt to control a conversation either spoken or written by denying responsibility, offering continued or varied excuses how this is not their fault or offering other varied excuses. They will in many cases literally turn a conversation one sided by refusing to acknowledge your statements and doing all they can to be the only one speaking to ensure their side is the only side be it a verbal or non verbal medium.
Guilting the victim in such a way as to ensure confusion and doubt in their victim. They do this by laying out how the victims coming forward has effected them and their life. They use phrases like "This is your feeling" or " You" felt this or that way, there by shifting from the actions they took to "YOUR FEELINGS" which they are making you doubt. They will continually and with unflinching purpose shift the blame and responsibility to you and your "feelings" Not them and their actions.
Now some food for thought in closing. There are many many people out there who are sociopaths,narcissistic, and abusive offenders/ violators.
The trick in any verbal intercourse is to believe in your decisions and your ability to perceive what is going on with you and to you. If someone is doing any of the things you have read here or anything close take a step back and ask yourself why are these feelings of guilt or shame there. If the answer is because someone manipulated you into feeling and having them. Congratulations you just got gaslighted. NOW get pissed and put the blame where it belongs on the OFFENDER / VIOLATOR.
There are literally thousands of sources of knowledge out there and this writing has drawn from far to many to list but if need be I can offer up the sources.The bottom line is educate yourself on these topics with them find your own sources compare add and for god sake form your own opinion. Just be resolute in your belief in your perceptions and your decisions stemming from that, don't be manipulated by long drawn out well worded excuses that try to alter your perception ,because that is what your Offender and Violator want to create that grey area in your mind and in the community as a whole. Because that is where they walk through with impunity because we allow it. Hopefully this educates a few out there in the hopes that the grey area is a little smaller and the predators tread a little lighter and the victims sleep a little sounder.
Dr, George Simon stated " Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work."
Offenders/ Violators will often use specific phrases and techniques to gaslight their victims . They will Counter, where they will vehemently call into question the victims recollection even though it is correct or substantiated by others. They will often do this in an angry, patronizing,accusatory, or condescending tone. this is the fist step in making the victim doubt their perception. They will Block and Divert, where the Offender/ violator will change the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation, Often offering up their opinion as the means of controlling the conversation. They will TRIVIALIZE making the victim think the incident was a "small thing" or "Not that Serious". Often using more serious events in comparison to attempt to trivialize their actions. They will attempt to control a conversation either spoken or written by denying responsibility, offering continued or varied excuses how this is not their fault or offering other varied excuses. They will in many cases literally turn a conversation one sided by refusing to acknowledge your statements and doing all they can to be the only one speaking to ensure their side is the only side be it a verbal or non verbal medium.
Guilting the victim in such a way as to ensure confusion and doubt in their victim. They do this by laying out how the victims coming forward has effected them and their life. They use phrases like "This is your feeling" or " You" felt this or that way, there by shifting from the actions they took to "YOUR FEELINGS" which they are making you doubt. They will continually and with unflinching purpose shift the blame and responsibility to you and your "feelings" Not them and their actions.
Now some food for thought in closing. There are many many people out there who are sociopaths,narcissistic, and abusive offenders/ violators.
The trick in any verbal intercourse is to believe in your decisions and your ability to perceive what is going on with you and to you. If someone is doing any of the things you have read here or anything close take a step back and ask yourself why are these feelings of guilt or shame there. If the answer is because someone manipulated you into feeling and having them. Congratulations you just got gaslighted. NOW get pissed and put the blame where it belongs on the OFFENDER / VIOLATOR.
There are literally thousands of sources of knowledge out there and this writing has drawn from far to many to list but if need be I can offer up the sources.The bottom line is educate yourself on these topics with them find your own sources compare add and for god sake form your own opinion. Just be resolute in your belief in your perceptions and your decisions stemming from that, don't be manipulated by long drawn out well worded excuses that try to alter your perception ,because that is what your Offender and Violator want to create that grey area in your mind and in the community as a whole. Because that is where they walk through with impunity because we allow it. Hopefully this educates a few out there in the hopes that the grey area is a little smaller and the predators tread a little lighter and the victims sleep a little sounder.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
& how
You will be held to the highest standards and not allowed barely an in of fault.
The narcissist on another hand will act or do pretty much as he or she wants laughing at you privately as they deny any wrongdoing or unreasonability.
They will get away with murder while you have the book thrown at you for the most insignificant things.
Expect this and simply do the best you can...you and I know the truth.
The narcissist on another hand will act or do pretty much as he or she wants laughing at you privately as they deny any wrongdoing or unreasonability.
They will get away with murder while you have the book thrown at you for the most insignificant things.
Expect this and simply do the best you can...you and I know the truth.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Put that in your pipe.
Narcissists reflect radiance rather than emit it. It may look shiny and bright but it is illusionary.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
2 Things.
A narcissist more than anything is interested in two main things:
1. Feeling good
2. Controlling the people around them.
1. Feeling good
2. Controlling the people around them.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
How to Recognize the Narc...
Sorting through your experiences and emotions will help you to RECOGNIZE THE NARCISSIST:
Are you often tip-toe-ing around somebody?
Are you being told there's something wrong with you?
Is your reality denied?
Is someone undermining your self-esteem?
Is someone controlling your life or manipulating you?
Do you feel you can't be yourself?
Do you exist through the other's desires and not your own?
Are you always giving up on your needs to please the other?
Are you overwhelmed by guilt?
Do you feel you need to prop somebody up?
Are you often confused, do you have difficulty sorting out what is real or not, are you living in some sort of twilight zone?
Is someone sapping your resolve?
Is whatever happens always your fault?
Are you blamed for someone else's bad moods?
Are you met with criticism, the silent treatment or other punishment when you assert needs or express feelings?
Does the other want your exclusive and unconditional attention and does he or she insist to get what they want when they want it?
Are things being shoved down your throat?
Do you always come second?
Are you dealing with someone who does not take "no" for an answer?
Do you feel you always have to surrender?
Are you never getting an "I'm sorry"?
Are you the one who worries?
Are you the designated driver of someone else's life?
Are you doing the work, while the other has fun and avoids anything that is difficult?
Is someone sucking the lifeblood out of you?
Are you often on the defense?
Are you overlooking the reality of what is happening because you are so ready and willing to try to understand?
Do you feel compelled to defend and excuse your partner or your parent?
Do you overlook behavior that hurts?
Do you feel sorry for your partner or your parent?
Are you often tip-toe-ing around somebody?
Are you being told there's something wrong with you?
Is your reality denied?
Is someone undermining your self-esteem?
Is someone controlling your life or manipulating you?
Do you feel you can't be yourself?
Do you exist through the other's desires and not your own?
Are you always giving up on your needs to please the other?
Are you overwhelmed by guilt?
Do you feel you need to prop somebody up?
Are you often confused, do you have difficulty sorting out what is real or not, are you living in some sort of twilight zone?
Is someone sapping your resolve?
Is whatever happens always your fault?
Are you blamed for someone else's bad moods?
Are you met with criticism, the silent treatment or other punishment when you assert needs or express feelings?
Does the other want your exclusive and unconditional attention and does he or she insist to get what they want when they want it?
Are things being shoved down your throat?
Do you always come second?
Are you dealing with someone who does not take "no" for an answer?
Do you feel you always have to surrender?
Are you never getting an "I'm sorry"?
Are you the one who worries?
Are you the designated driver of someone else's life?
Are you doing the work, while the other has fun and avoids anything that is difficult?
Is someone sucking the lifeblood out of you?
Are you often on the defense?
Are you overlooking the reality of what is happening because you are so ready and willing to try to understand?
Do you feel compelled to defend and excuse your partner or your parent?
Do you overlook behavior that hurts?
Do you feel sorry for your partner or your parent?
Narc Game Play
I'd hate to admit how long it took me to learn to trust my instincts. If you sense that someone is playing games with you, they are.
In some settings, of course, game-playing is appropriate. For example, in tennis, to pressure an opposing server, I will sometimes step up to play the return of serve from well inside the baseline. I am playing a mind game. I am telling the server that I eat power serves for lunch.
Of course, in a tennis match, I am competing with that other party. But I don't compete with the other party in every daily interaction I have with other people. That would be inappropriate, especially with the members of my immediate familiy and my friends and teammates and co-workers.
But narcissists do.
I think this is because they are never being themselves. Since they don't identify with their true inner selves, how could they ever just be themselves?
Instead, they are Narcissus, transfixed by their reflected image in the mirror of your face. Just posing before that mirror. Their reflection in it is what they identify with. And they pose so as to make it as grandiose as possible.
That's all that's really going on in your interactions with a narcissist.
For example, if you say "hello" to a normal person under normal circumstances, he will say "hello" back. What will a narcissist do? How will he play this interaction to aggrandize his image?
Often, in certain settings, such as the workplace, the narcissist has the gall to refuse to even look at or answer you, treating you as beneath his notice, even as contemptible.
You wonder what you did to make him mad at you, because a normal person would do that only if you did something awful to insult him. Or if he THOUGHT you had done some such thing. So, you wonder what terrible lie someone has told him about you.
If this is happening to you, consider another possibility - that he is not a normal person, but rather a narcissist.
A narcissist isn't a normal person acting on normal human premises. He refuses to say "hello" back just to make you out as unworthy of that consideration from him, to make you out as dirt beneath his feet. He's taking advantage of this opportunity to pose in a mirror, pretending grandeur with respect to you. He acts out the part of a god who feels insulted by an unworthy bug like you expecting his majesty's attention.
It's all part of the play going on in his childish mind, a work of fiction about himself in which he is the star of a show all about him. (Little children do the same thing in their fantasies.) He IDENTIFIES with the fictional character he creates in that mirror.
You have but a bit part in this show. You exist to reflect his greatness in your interactions with him, period.
Notice that the narcissist is essentially an author of fiction in which the hero is always some idealized version of himself. He edits reality on the fly to compose this work of fiction. It's how he supports his delusions of grandeur.
For example, take any everyday human interaction, even such a simple one as when you say, "Excuse me, may I borrow your pen for a moment?"
The damned narcissist will not just let it be about that pen. She's gotta exploit this interraction to play games with you. Quick, imagine that you're her: how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
A normal person will weigh several considerations. She'll consider whether she can spare the pen for a moment. She'll consider the fact that you'll think she's a jerk if she doesn't hand it over. And she'll consider the future trouble an unfriendly relationship with you could cause her. She may consider why you never have a pen with you and why you never return one you borrow. Or she may be delighted to do you this favor because you have done her favors and she likes you. In any case, the last thing on a normal person's mind is the opportunity to play this interaction as a power play.
But that's all that's ever on a narcissist's mind. She doesn't like anyone. She doesn't care about being liked (just admired, feared, favored). She doesn't care about getting along with people. She is no more capable of considering the future consequences of her actions than any other three-year-old. Even the business at hand is no consideration to her. A thing is never about whatever it's about. It's always all about her ego instead, period.
So, she plays everything you say or do in a game to gratify her ego at your ego's expense.
Therefore, in one way or another, her answer to your request to borrow her pen is going to make you feel like two cents waiting for change. Count on it. Every single time.
Suck, suck, suck ... like a parasite. Like a hookworm infection, constantly bleeding you drop by drop. It adds up.
"How do you like the turkey and dressing?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"Which of these two business models do you think is best?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself (some more)?
There's no end it. It's exasperting because it IS experating. You never get through that brick wall a narcissist throws up to bounce back everything you say or do as a flattering reflection on him- or her-self. One that denies you one bit of gratification and sucks every bit of gratification in the transaction to herself. (See the book The Games People Play by Eric Berne.)
No communication ever gets through that wall. There is never any human connection. No meeting of the minds. Just this constant play off everything you say or do in a narcissist's infernal, eternal, infantile game-playing.
Normal people have self-respect. So, from an early age on, your first thought is to rise above this childishness. You couldn't bear to stoop to such silly competeing for vanities.
Right. But the mistake we often make is to think that "rising above it" means "taking it."
When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be used.
That's enabling. Does that do the narcissist any good?
Does that do yourself any good?
The ego is not an evil thing. Nature has instilled us with this aspect of our personality because it is highly adaptive. It houses the healthy narcissism responsible for our self-love and instinct for self-preservation. If we allow it to be turned traitor against ourselves though, it becomes our own worst enemy, the Enemy Within.
You can't let a parasite like a narcissist constantly bleed it without that happening. This is a narcissist's way of dumping his or her own ego problems on YOU. The narc is transfering his or her own shame and self-hatred to you, like as in a bad-blood transfusion.
Don't allow it. I'd hate to have to admit how long it took me to realize that I can't expect myself to be unharmed by it. Note the narcissism in THAT!!!
I am just a human being. I am not invincible. I can and will eventually be harmed by this constant bloodletting. No shame in acknowledging that, just appropriate modesty.
We all need a world in which "I'm okay, and you're okay." But narcissists deny you that. They impose a world in which they're perfect and you're hopelessly defective.
So, now, when I sense that someone is using me - using me as a mirror for that - I take that mirror away. They don't get to interract with me at all.
In theory, it's simple to deny your presence to a narcissist who abuses it. In practice, however, it sometimes gets complicated, because the situation doesn't always allow you to physically remove yourself from a narcissist's Pathological Space. Then you must analyze the situation and find working ways to deny them interaction.
But be sure to deny them inappropriate interaction with you. Don't allow it and then just IGNORE the put-down you get.
Doing that just gives them permission to use you. And giving others permission to use you will destroy your self-respect.
Source.
In some settings, of course, game-playing is appropriate. For example, in tennis, to pressure an opposing server, I will sometimes step up to play the return of serve from well inside the baseline. I am playing a mind game. I am telling the server that I eat power serves for lunch.
Of course, in a tennis match, I am competing with that other party. But I don't compete with the other party in every daily interaction I have with other people. That would be inappropriate, especially with the members of my immediate familiy and my friends and teammates and co-workers.
But narcissists do.
I think this is because they are never being themselves. Since they don't identify with their true inner selves, how could they ever just be themselves?
Instead, they are Narcissus, transfixed by their reflected image in the mirror of your face. Just posing before that mirror. Their reflection in it is what they identify with. And they pose so as to make it as grandiose as possible.
That's all that's really going on in your interactions with a narcissist.
For example, if you say "hello" to a normal person under normal circumstances, he will say "hello" back. What will a narcissist do? How will he play this interaction to aggrandize his image?
Often, in certain settings, such as the workplace, the narcissist has the gall to refuse to even look at or answer you, treating you as beneath his notice, even as contemptible.
You wonder what you did to make him mad at you, because a normal person would do that only if you did something awful to insult him. Or if he THOUGHT you had done some such thing. So, you wonder what terrible lie someone has told him about you.
If this is happening to you, consider another possibility - that he is not a normal person, but rather a narcissist.
A narcissist isn't a normal person acting on normal human premises. He refuses to say "hello" back just to make you out as unworthy of that consideration from him, to make you out as dirt beneath his feet. He's taking advantage of this opportunity to pose in a mirror, pretending grandeur with respect to you. He acts out the part of a god who feels insulted by an unworthy bug like you expecting his majesty's attention.
It's all part of the play going on in his childish mind, a work of fiction about himself in which he is the star of a show all about him. (Little children do the same thing in their fantasies.) He IDENTIFIES with the fictional character he creates in that mirror.
You have but a bit part in this show. You exist to reflect his greatness in your interactions with him, period.
Notice that the narcissist is essentially an author of fiction in which the hero is always some idealized version of himself. He edits reality on the fly to compose this work of fiction. It's how he supports his delusions of grandeur.
For example, take any everyday human interaction, even such a simple one as when you say, "Excuse me, may I borrow your pen for a moment?"
The damned narcissist will not just let it be about that pen. She's gotta exploit this interraction to play games with you. Quick, imagine that you're her: how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
A normal person will weigh several considerations. She'll consider whether she can spare the pen for a moment. She'll consider the fact that you'll think she's a jerk if she doesn't hand it over. And she'll consider the future trouble an unfriendly relationship with you could cause her. She may consider why you never have a pen with you and why you never return one you borrow. Or she may be delighted to do you this favor because you have done her favors and she likes you. In any case, the last thing on a normal person's mind is the opportunity to play this interaction as a power play.
But that's all that's ever on a narcissist's mind. She doesn't like anyone. She doesn't care about being liked (just admired, feared, favored). She doesn't care about getting along with people. She is no more capable of considering the future consequences of her actions than any other three-year-old. Even the business at hand is no consideration to her. A thing is never about whatever it's about. It's always all about her ego instead, period.
So, she plays everything you say or do in a game to gratify her ego at your ego's expense.
Therefore, in one way or another, her answer to your request to borrow her pen is going to make you feel like two cents waiting for change. Count on it. Every single time.
Suck, suck, suck ... like a parasite. Like a hookworm infection, constantly bleeding you drop by drop. It adds up.
"How do you like the turkey and dressing?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"Which of these two business models do you think is best?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself (some more)?
There's no end it. It's exasperting because it IS experating. You never get through that brick wall a narcissist throws up to bounce back everything you say or do as a flattering reflection on him- or her-self. One that denies you one bit of gratification and sucks every bit of gratification in the transaction to herself. (See the book The Games People Play by Eric Berne.)
No communication ever gets through that wall. There is never any human connection. No meeting of the minds. Just this constant play off everything you say or do in a narcissist's infernal, eternal, infantile game-playing.
Normal people have self-respect. So, from an early age on, your first thought is to rise above this childishness. You couldn't bear to stoop to such silly competeing for vanities.
Right. But the mistake we often make is to think that "rising above it" means "taking it."
When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be used.
That's enabling. Does that do the narcissist any good?
Does that do yourself any good?
The ego is not an evil thing. Nature has instilled us with this aspect of our personality because it is highly adaptive. It houses the healthy narcissism responsible for our self-love and instinct for self-preservation. If we allow it to be turned traitor against ourselves though, it becomes our own worst enemy, the Enemy Within.
You can't let a parasite like a narcissist constantly bleed it without that happening. This is a narcissist's way of dumping his or her own ego problems on YOU. The narc is transfering his or her own shame and self-hatred to you, like as in a bad-blood transfusion.
Don't allow it. I'd hate to have to admit how long it took me to realize that I can't expect myself to be unharmed by it. Note the narcissism in THAT!!!
I am just a human being. I am not invincible. I can and will eventually be harmed by this constant bloodletting. No shame in acknowledging that, just appropriate modesty.
We all need a world in which "I'm okay, and you're okay." But narcissists deny you that. They impose a world in which they're perfect and you're hopelessly defective.
So, now, when I sense that someone is using me - using me as a mirror for that - I take that mirror away. They don't get to interract with me at all.
In theory, it's simple to deny your presence to a narcissist who abuses it. In practice, however, it sometimes gets complicated, because the situation doesn't always allow you to physically remove yourself from a narcissist's Pathological Space. Then you must analyze the situation and find working ways to deny them interaction.
But be sure to deny them inappropriate interaction with you. Don't allow it and then just IGNORE the put-down you get.
Doing that just gives them permission to use you. And giving others permission to use you will destroy your self-respect.
Source.
Female Narc
It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists. In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently. From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”. That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA). Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships. This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc). This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.
This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.
Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.
Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end. I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.
This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.
Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.
Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end. I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.
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