Even your lies are...credible. Amazing logic.

Narcissists can't BELIEVE when others find their victims 'CREDIBLE'. They spent so much of the abusive relationship trying to ENSURE that they'd NEVER be seen as credible.

Pity for the Boot Licker?

Narcissist's don't have "friends" they surround themselves with Syc·o·phants and other boot lickers.

/ˈsikəfənt,-ˌfant/

1. a person who acts obsequiously toward someone deemed as important in order to gain an advantage 
2. a servile self-seeking flatterer 

What would you call the people that cling to narcissists despite evidence to suggest that they will be used, exploited and abused?

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

PARENTAL ALIENATION IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Abuse is one of the most gut wrenching issues in our times. Whether it is the abuse of a child, a women, an elder or a man, it is heinous. Abuse comes in three main forms: physical, sexual and psychological (also known as emotional abuse.). It is the mental and emotional abuse caused by a spouse’s deliberate attempt to destroy the Targeted Parent in the eyes of the children that will be the focus of this chapter. Parental Alienation, also classified as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, Enmeshed Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions, Relationship Triangles and Alienation, is a growing epidemic in divorce proceedings. It is time to change this and make a difference for the children and Targeted Parent of these psychological abuses.

During a high conflict divorce involving visitation or custody, there are more false cases of domestic violence and abuse filed according to the various departments of protection and the courts. (DHHS, 2001 Statistics) This issue is one of international alarm because false reporting takes massive amounts of resources away from true victims. In addition, the psychological ramifications and loss of reputation for the accused can ruin their lives forever, which is usually the intention with the false allegations. Unfortunately, these types of abusers drag their innocent children into their bogus stories, which force the children to lie and go through horrendous tests and interviews, which emotionally scar them for life. Even if the accused parent has not committed the crime, the accusations cost the accused thousands of dollars and years to prove their innocence, while the abuser commits defamation and slander. By all documented accounts, (see Fiebert’s Reference) it is apparent that the gender of the abuser does not matter. Both genders are equally aggressive using both physical and psychological abuse.

It is the mental end of this abuse that Bill Kuhl speaks about in his article “Violence Knows no Gender”. Abusers are devious and use covert physical attacks to catch their prey off guard. Kuhl refers to this as the “element of surprise”. (Kuhl, Violence Knows No Gender) This is not only devious but also psychologically stressful. The targeted parent never knows if and when it is coming or how; much like a soldier during a sniper attack. They must live their lives as if they are constantly at war, on edge and in fear. Psychologically they become worn out with nowhere to turn to for help.

This psychological abuse and the toll that these victims pay come at a great price. If they stay, they chance being seriously injured if not killed. If they leave, they are faced with the humiliation of ‘allowing’ someone to abuse them. In the course of this, they will lose everything, including their children. Most victims stay in their abusive marriages for the same reason; that is they have nowhere to go, are being threatened with losing everything, scared for their children and have been beaten down emotionally and they can no longer stand on their own anymore. For men this is a double indemnity, because it is the humiliation and ridicule that a woman has abused them, which prevents most men from reporting the abuse they encounter and prohibits them from leaving home. For women, it is not so much the humiliation as the fear of further attacks as well as fear of not being able to make it on their own. The one fear that stigmatizes both genders is the loss of their children and that relationship.

When a parent is denied a relationship, it is the same as isolating the children from the parent. It can be legally termed as an alienation of affection, criminally referred to as domestic violence and psychologically referred to as Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome (soon to be in the DSM V), Hostile Aggressive Parenting, an Enmeshed Relationship, Triangles in Relationships, Cross-Generational Coalitions or Alienation and Denigration. No matter what it is named, it is not only abusive to the Targeted Parent (TP), but also abusive to the children. The Alienating Parent (AP) sees the children and/or their relationship with the other parent as a possession that they have power over, which in turn controls the TP. By refusing to allow a healthy relationship to exist between the children and the TP, the AP maintains a sense of control and what they feel is a bargaining chip to possess the other parent. Whether it is returning the TP to the AP’s life or revenge ‘for not loving them anymore’, the AP has absolutely no regard for any of the other victims. Their only goal is to destroy the TP anyway they can.

This abuse is so subtle and slow, that when the parent realizes what is occurring, it is often too late and the children are refusing to have a relationship with the TP, especially in the case of high conflict divorce with custody/visitation issues. The once naturally healthy relationship and bonds of a parent with their offspring have been destroyed; their children’s lives are filled with treachery and uncharted waters. The psychological community is just now beginning to understand the ramifications of this type of abuse, while examining a definition to be included in the DSM. Alienation is an insidious type of abuse because proving its existence is a nightmare that is still on going. The psychological community is baffled as to how to stop it and correct the damages to the children.

PAS OR PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME DEFINED

Dr. Richard Gardner, of Creskill, NJ, a child psychologist, was one of the leading authorities on children of dysfunctional families. What he found in his research is that no matter the financial or cultural background, alienation of one parent from the other could occur. (www.rgardner.com)

According to Dr. Richard Gardner, PAS is described as “a disturbance in which children are obsessively preoccupied with depreciation and/or criticism of a parent. In other words, denigration that is unjustified and or exaggerated.” (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) In effect, these children are taught to hate the other parent to the point of wanting to eliminate them from their lives. Dr. Gardner considers this psychological abuse and it is the only form of psychological abuse that has clear-cut unmistakable signs and symptoms and therefore the only psychological abuse that can be easily diagnosed.

PAS can be further described as a form of psychological kidnapping (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) where the child’s mind has been forced to prejudicially believe and discriminate against the other parent. This is perpetrated by creating fear, not of the only of the TP/outsider parent, but of the parent whom the child must reside with, or as Gardner calls it, the “hostage taker” parent. (www.familycourts.com/pas.htm) It is also called the Stockholm Syndrome and best compared to the Patti Hearst kidnapping.

In these cases, the hostages are so isolated from the outside world that they begin to associate with their hostage takers. Actually refusing to accept any overt actions from the outside that contradict their captor’s motives. This has been documented in cult situations where the followers are literally brainwashed to believe that the cults objectives are the only way to think, act or believe.

This also applies in PAS where the children learn to side with the aggressor and avoid being victims of the same abuse. As Roland Summit (Kemp, P. 16) and John Briere (Kemp, P. 239-240) call it, Abuse-Related Accommodation. Abuse-related accommodation occurs when a person’s natural survival instincts have enabled them to “adapt” to the abuse. This adaptation includes distortions of thought, altered emotions (such as depression and anxiety), and dissociation by disconnecting from the trauma. It is these adaptive techniques that will determine whether a child will develop personality disorders such as multiple personalities, anti-social behaviors or psychotic tendencies. (Kemp P. 239). Briere further breaks it down into 3 stages of adaptation. First is the initial reaction stage of fear, anxiety, hurt, betrayal or abandonment, because they are so isolated they have nowhere to turn. In the second stage, accommodation to on-going abuse, they try to pacify and soothe the abuser. With children of PAS this might be avoiding issues that trigger anger, such as positive comments about the other parent. Finally in the 3rd stage called Long-Term Elaboration and Secondary accommodation, the victims life centers around avoiding and living with the abuse, which now affects every mechanism for coping and behavior. The abuse actually becomes so internalized that their entire world changes to accommodate it. A PAS victimized child might denigrate and spew hatred about the targeted parent with no valid and justifiable reasons.

No matter how we describe it or compare it, the ultimate truth is that PAS destroys the children and the parents it is directed at. Despite our courts supposed protection of children from this kind of abuse, it is happening even more. This type of abuse is directly correlated with marital issues involving parental separation, divorce, custody and visitation. It became even more prevalent in the 60’s with the introduction of No-Fault Divorce. Despite the high incidence of this type of abuse, it is barely recognized in the courts until recently when it passed the Frye Test, to determine admissibility of scientific evidence, validating its existence (wwwr.gardner.com/ref/pas), which now permits it’s open testimony and use in court. With the passage of the Frye test, the State of Connecticut mandated Court Support Family Services to get training in Parental Alienation Syndrome. Unfortunately, at present this training is very inadequate and riddled with missing data. If only we can finally get the courts to put aside their prejudices against men and non-custodial parents.

SO HOW DO WE RECOGNIZE AND DIAGNOSE PAS?

The following is a list of behaviors exhibited by children of PAS according to Richard Gardner. See link below. www.rgardner.com/ref/pas_intro.html)

1) A campaign of denigration

2) Weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for the deprecation.

3) Lack of Ambivalence

4) The “independent thinker” phenomenon

5) Reflexive support of the AP in the parental conflict

6) Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the Alienated Parent

7) The presence of borrowed scenarios

 Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the Alienated Parent.

In effect, PAS is a form of prejudice and discrimination that isolates the children from the TP, and extended family and friends. Through a series of actions, the alienating parent is able to influence the children to hate the targeted parent and extended family. In particular, the AP instills such loathing and anger toward the TP that it could easily be classified as a hate crime.

CLASSIFYING PAS AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

According to Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of Maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.” (Kemp, P.36) Furthermore, the clinical and textbook definitions and categories of Child Psychological Maltreatment found in Table 3-1 of Alan Kemp’s book, Abuse in the Family, on pages 72-77, can easily be applied to PAS showing it as a form of Domestic Violence via Psychological Maltreatment. This book is a technical training book for Students studying for their Masters in Counseling and Social Work. It is just one of many textbooks used to teach the students and professionals about Psychological Maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Those categories are:

• Rejecting (spurning)

• Terrorizing

• Corrupting

• Denying essential stimulation, emotional responsiveness, or availability

• Unreliable and inconsistent parenting

• Mental health, medical, or educational neglect

• Degrading/devaluing (spurning)

• Isolating

• Exploiting

As we correlate the above definition, we will see how it fits in classifying PAS as Psychological Maltreatment and thus Domestic Violence. For example, by deliberately alienating the victims from other family members and social supports, isolation is occurring. The whole premise of PAS is to isolate and alienate the children from the Targeted Parent or any other individual who supports the Targeted Parent. If the alienator uses threats or denigrating tactics, to force the victims to comply, this can be seen as terrorizing. (Kemp, P. 225-228) As well, verbal denigration, harassment and exploitation of the Targeted Parent is very prominent and a key indicator of PAS. In addition, DV includes the exploitation and use of the children for personal gain. Thus in PAS when the children are used to destroy the Targeted Parent by denying visitation or a relationship between TP and the children or is used for monetary gains such as excessive expenses beyond child support, they are in affect committing Domestic Violence. It is for these reasons that PAS or alienating the children from the Targeted Parent can be considered as a form of domestic violence.

Let’s take this a bit further in it’s application. When a parent REJECTS a child because the children show any love or affection for the Targeted Parent that is a form of abuse. This is not only a form of rejection, but TERRORIZATION. In fact, a child’s refusal to come to the Targeted Parents home for fear of losing the Alienating Parent’s conditional love is fear and fear is terror.

Next, there is CORRUPTING. When an Alienating parent refuses to comply with court orders and tells the children they do not have to either, this is corrupting. It is teaching the children that they are above the law and therefore immune to the courts authority. When a parent files false allegations of abuse and convinces the children to do the same, this is corruption. When an Alienating parent tells the children lies about the Targeted Parent, and that anything having to do with the Targeted Parent is illegal, immoral and disgusting, this is corrupting. In fact, this is a form of discrimination and prejudice, which corrupts the children’s minds.

Next, let’s look at DENYING ESSENTIAL STIMULATION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS, OR AVAILABILITY. By refusing to allow the children to have a relationship with the Targeted Parent, for no reason other than their own need to control the ex-spouse, the Alienating Parents are denying them the basic elements of stimulation, emotions and availability with the Targeted Parent. In fact, the Targeted Parent has little to no opportunity to defend themselves against the false allegations. Though they will have you believe that they or the children feared for their lives and that the Targeted Parent was abusive, this is usually unsubstantiated or proven by the courts to be a fabrication. With no basis for this denial, the Alienator refuses their children a warm and loving relationship with the Targeted Parents. Thus it causes UNRELIABLE AND INCONSISTENT PARENTING. Since the children have been denied a relationship with the Targeted Parent, they have also been denied a reliable and consistent parenting situation and the Alienating Parent has proven that they cannot parent consistently and reliably in the supporting of a two-parent relationship with the children.

This brings us to the MENTAL, MEDICAL AND EDUCATION NEGLECT. When an Alienating Parent refuses to comply with numerous separate court orders for counseling, they are denying their children's mental health. Thus mental neglect has occurred as defined in the DSM IV as Malingering. (V65.2) and by Neglect of Child (V61.21).

If despite numerous court orders or request and recommendations, the alienator continues to insult, verbally abuse and denigrate the child’s Targeted Parent in front of them, this behavior DEGRADES AND DEVALUES someone the children once respected and loved and in most cases, secretly want a relationship with. This disdain and disrespect for the Targeted Parent in front of the child(ren) is another form of Psychological Maltreatment as it permanently affects their view of that Targeted Parent, which transfers to their view of themselves. This creates a distorted sense of reality, of themselves and their ability to trust and accurately judge others.

When a parent deliberately sabotages a relationship with the Targeted Parent by refusing to allow visits, calls, or any form of healthy communication, with no evidence of abuse, this is called ISOLATION. Furthermore, when a parent has initially allowed continuous contact with the children during the separation and divorce period, but reneges on this refusing them visitation, especially when they find out their ex-spouse has a new partner, this is isolation and abuse. This is also called Remarriage as a Trigger for Parental Alienation Syndrome and can be further reviewed in an article by Dr. Richard Warshak, There is no doubt this is isolation and thus psychological abuse. (http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/warsha00.htm)

And finally, EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children as pawns to get back at their ex spouse for not loving them anymore or to control them further, this is exploitation. When an Alienating Parent uses the children and makes false allegations of abuse, terrorizing the children to state they hate the Targeted Parent, this is EXPLOITATION. When a parent uses the children for monetary gains, but yet does not allow the children a relationship with the targeted parent, this is EXPLOITATION.

When you add all these factors up, it is easy to see how Cross-Generational Coalitions, Parental Alienation, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Enmeshed Relationships, Triangles and Borderless Boundaries can be classified as Child Psychological Maltreatment in a divorce situation. When you put it all together, the DSM sums up the Alienator quite nicely under Cluster B Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, (301.7). The Alienating Parent willfully and without regard to the child(ren) or the targeted parent’s welfare, or the innocent extended families welfare, continually violated their rights and disregarded their needs for a relationship. The Alienating Parent uses and exploits the children. The Alienating Parent isolates the children from a nurturing parent and family. The Alienating Parent denies the children their basic needs of love and belonging from the Targeted Parent. The Alienating Parent thus neglects the children’s mental welfare. They rejected the children’s and Targeted Parent’s testimony of love and need for each other. The Alienating Parent terrorizes and corrupts the children. The Alienating Parent callously puts their own desires, wants and needs above those of everyone else including their own children. This all adds up to one thing, PAS is Domestic Violence in the form of Psychological Maltreatment.

Intentions like death.

Psychopaths shame & humiliate their targets, because this solidifies their dominance in the relationship. If you are thrown into an embarrassing situation, feeling less than human, then you suddenly start to feel inferior to the person who orchestrated it all to begin with. You strive to meet their impossible standards, doing everything you can to prove yourself better than your past "mistakes". You begin to realize that all of the secrets you shared with your once trusted partner are now being judged & used against you. They've discovered what makes you tick, and they use this information to manufacture lose-lose situations and watch you self-destruct. Ideally, there will be an audience of their friends and yours, to finalize the triangulation and crazy-making behavior. You will find that no healthy human being focuses so aggressively on your negative aspects. Once this toxic person is removed from your life, there will be so many others who love & appreciate the qualities that your abuser intentionally ignored.

Curious, indeed.

It's CURIOUS how a narcissist claims to have a stalker or be the one who was victimized, yet THEY NEVER seek any help for the said "abuse" nor do ANYTHING to give back to other targets. 

Whereas the REAL TARGET seeks to understand, seeks help, seeks answers to the questions about WHY we were abused, what we can do to prevent it, and most importantly seek to AID those who might also be going through the same thing. 

The TRUTH is in the ACTION & DETAILS of the TRUE target; not in the lip service lies that a narcissist gives in order to escape consequences & get supply in the form of "Poor me".

Who cares, though..not you!

Dear Mrs. Delusional...

One of the symptoms of Narcissistic Pers. Disorder is delusional thinking and rationalizing. This is not the same thing as just being self-absorbed or self-centered~ those with NPD literally make up stories about themselves and others, and seem to completely believe that they're true. Whether it's intentional or not is up for speculation, however the nature of DELUSIONAL disorder is that it's NOT intentional. It's more like one part of the person's mind weaves stories about other people, situations, and themselves, and the other part of the person's mind BELIEVES these stories. As if there are TWO people involved, not just one.
The person's mind appears to be split, and one part creates the fiction, and the other part which feels like the "self" believes it and perpetuates it, retelling these stories. The more they tell them, the more real they seem, both to the person and to those being told these stories.

The Delusion takes little bits of reality and builds completely fictional stories around these little bits. Children are seen to do this in play, and also in trying to get out of consequences. Children may also do this to extol consequences on another person. It's NOT "Delusional" when children make up fantasies and act like they're real, it's part of childhood and mind development. The problem is when a person does this in adulthood, and behaves as if the stories are real.

Power - So hungry for it.

Narcissists often put certain people on high pedestals, some on the same "level" as themselves, and some in the gutter. There are no grey areas; other people aren't just PEOPLE, they're either elevated to ICON status (Guru, Great, Genius, Leader) or they're a "peer", which is not really EQUAL but more like a sidekick (apprentice, follower, sycophant, servant, object) or they get labeled "Loser" and completely devalued.

For a Narcissist to "promote" a person into a higher status is almost non-existent, but not completely impossible. However, the usual direction they will "move" others is DOWN their imaginary ladder, not UP. People aren't PEOPLE, they're characters and caricatures in the Narcissist's great theater production, where they are always the star. 

They are the ones who create the pedestals and the gutters, they are the ones who create the imaginary hierarchies we seem to end up living in and around. It all actually IS an illusion. The worship and fawning of other human beings, elevating them to some kind of god-like status, and the kicking others to the gutter like they're some kind of lower creature, are simply products of a culture filled with adults with Narcissism. 

Disgusting Parent In Disguise.

Gaslight

The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with the narcissist, where you allow them to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be.

In fact, your ego functioning has been so compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with the way the person treats you.

...

And the moron Narc will tell the world that you have Antisocial Personality Disorder and you're a hopeless drug addict who needs Jesus and counseling. It's never their malignant abuse that causes ANYTHING. Nooooo, never that.

Are you being Gaslighted?

A Loving Father Prays...

100% Perfect *girl* being the operative word...try out womanhood...

Karma

Ignoring The Soul Of Your Own Child

Gaslight for Brains

Surrrre.

Apology? Screw you! Says the Narc.

If you're waiting for an apology from the narcissist, PLEASE, just let that go now - You'll NEVER get one that means anything. Even if they say the words...they don't MEAN it.

Here's why Narcissists are incapable of ever genuinely apologizing:

1. They don't accept responsibility - it's ALWAYS someone else's fault

2. Power & Control prevents them from truly being vulnerable enough to apologize

3. Their disordered personality construct is designed NOT to tolerate shame / vulnerability. Culpability, personal self blame is required in order to feel both guilty and genuinely sorry.

4. They don't have boundaries. They don't recognize that you are a separate person. If they don't feel the hurt that they caused you, then they think YOU couldn't possibly feel it either; thus preventing them from empathizing enough to offer an apology.

5. Seared Conscience - Narcissists are incapable of answering to a Higher Power, when they believe they're their own higher power (don't listen to them tell you they're a christian - that's just another "image" they pretend to have); thus, they don't have a conscience to appeal to. With NOTHING or NO ONE to convict them of wrongdoing...they're "scott-free".

Creepy Crawly Human Mess

Most often people think of narcissists as very confident individuals.  This observation often changes with time, to viewing the individual as being arrogant; someone who brags about their accomplishments in an exaggerated fashion.  People involved with the narcissistic person often realize that the bragging or attention-seeking belies an insecurity that can never be bolstered adequately, no matter how much ego support the narcissist receives from others.

Being in the presence of an individual with a narcissistic personality for any length of time often induces feelings of insecurity, or the feeling that one is subtly being put-down, competed with, or somewhat devalued.  This is due to the narcissist's inability or refusal to see others as having as much value as they do.  If others had as much value as the narcissist, then that would make them equal.  This is unacceptable to narcissists because they have a pathological need to be seen as special, out of the ordinary, deserving of adoration.  Winning is a must.  Losing is not simply a matter of 'win some-lose some'; it is a personal affront.

The elevated airs and high self-regard of the narcissist can border on the ridiculous at times.  Most have seen the middle-aged male with the rotund waist line, chasing after attractive young ladies their daughter's age, not seeming to notice the discrepancy or that the lady finds him 'fatherly' and not the 'stud' he considers himself to be.  His self-view has not changed in that he sees himself as young and eligible, rather than middle-aged.  It is as if the narcissist is frozen in adolescence.

The myth of Narcissus gave a name and example for the syndrome of self-absorption and investment in an image rather than expression of the true self.  When narcissistic traits are more numerous and severe, they reflect an ego investment in an image and reflection of that image to the self and others, which excludes any evidence of the real self.  The narcissist is seen as preferring his own reflected image, to who s/he really is.  For example, individuals who view themselves as the 'strong silent type' often hide that they have been hurt or are emotionally fragile, and are defending against feelings of vulnerability with the tough facade.  They prefer to see themselves as impervious to mundane human feelings and so they project the image they want others to see.  This belies a belief that who they really are, is unacceptable.  It also keeps them from working through the real issues that required the implementation of a facade in the first place.

Often the true self is so hidden from the narcissist, that all s/he can do is desperately seek validation for the false self.  This validation is never enough because the real person or issue is not being addressed.  If one is reinforcing a role or image, the real self is not being nurtured.  It grows more needy and undeveloped, while the image is inflated.

Narcissism can be described as a deficit of self; as if something is missing from the inner world of the individual.  This can be difficult to grasp when one is observing the individual to express a bragging confident style.  However, when the frequent boasting or haughtiness is understood to be a bid for attention and validation from others, it becomes easier to see that there must be something missing in order to need continual validation.  One can understand this need in children, but it should be resolved by the time one is an adult.

This continual need for validation or attention can take a convoluted form and appear as a hypercritical 'discriminating' character.  Nothing ever meets the narcissist's high standards so everyone is criticized and belittled, sometimes in the guise of a joke.

In relationships the narcissist appears unable or unwilling to validate or attend to others, and appears to not even notice that others have similar, (though less intense) needs for recognition, validation, nurturing.  It has been described in the literature as the narcissistic individual feeling as if there is not enough admiration or attention to go around, so it must be grabbed up as often as can be done.  Also seen is the increased need by the narcissist for attention and adulation as s/he ages.  The partner of the narcissist often feels that the nurturing they supply is not mutual and the partner becomes 'used up' by the narcissist.  Echo in the myth, is an extreme example of being used up by a relationship with a narcissist.  Echo was so depleted that she could only echo a few words she heard from others.

Narcissists also believe that others are like themselves in hiding the real self and projecting an image.  The lack of empathy on the part of the narcissist does not allow them to understand others' emotional experiences, and they even consider evidence of emotions in others, to be weaknesses, attempts to manipulate, or fraud.  These traits or weaknesses allow the narcissist to feel justified in exploiting the partner and others, as they deserve no better, being inferior.  Interestingly, most narcissists, though appearing glib and superficially cool in most social settings, have emotional outburst that far exceed anyone they have accused of being too emotional.

Since the narcissist "sees" nothing but his or her own image, they also do not see the true self of others, so no empathy can possibly exist in a constant state of denial of feeling.  The narcissist does not really see the other person and is susceptible to other narcissists who present their false image.  The narcissistic person is more likely to buy into another's image rather than a genuine person who projects no image.

In a relationship with a narcissist, if the partner is non-narcissistic, they may not realize that there will be projections onto them by the narcissist.  A pattern of behavior seen in narcissistic people is one of denying feelings or behaviors, and projecting those onto others.  For example, if the narcissist (N for convenience) is jealous of the partner's accomplishments, the N may say that the partner is the one who is actually jealous.  This comes naturally for the N since s/he is used to denying feelings.  So when the feeling of jealousy surfaces, it is easy for the N to attribute that feeling to the partner.  This invalidates the partner, who may not be jealous of the N at all.  If the partner points this out to the N, the partner may be attacked and told their perceptions are incorrect or that in fact it is the partner who is attacking the N.  The result for the partner is crazy-making, to say the least.

According to Nancy McWilliams (McWIlliams, Nancy, Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, Gilford Press, 1994), a narcissistic individual uses another for a self-esteem maintaining function rather than perceiving the other as separate person.  It has a dehumanizing effect which accounts for some of the difficulties the narcissist has in relationships.  One is not loved for who they are, they are used for what they provide to the narcissist.

McWilliams further describes narcissists as having fragile self-esteem and "will go to great lengths to avoid acknowledging their role in anything negative that happens in their lives."  Unlike people who feel guilt and remorse for their mistakes with attempts to make amends, narcissists run from their mistakes and avoid those who would find them out.

Narcissistic individuals work to assert their independence and avoid expressing needs, as neediness would be associated with a flawed image.  Interestingly, they are needier in the sense that they require more outside affirmation in order to feel internal validation.  If a relationship is lost, a valuable source of validation is gone and the narcissist will feel desperate to replace that source.  The narcissist will replace the partner very quickly, as they cannot be without ego support for long.

Alexander Lowen (Lowen, Alexander, Narcissism Denial Of The True Self, Touchstone Book, Simon & Schuster, 1985) sees the basic disturbance of narcissism as the denial of feeling.  He believes that narcissistic behavior is not motivated by feeling, but the denial of feeling.  It is a defensive position.  Although narcissists may be motivated out of feelings of hurt, their design of the image is an attempt to deny the hurt and represent themselves as the very opposite of what they actually are; cool, calm, strong, independent.  In this way they are guaranteeing that their experience of themselves and their interactions with others are based on untruths, lack of genuineness, and falsehood.  They are also guaranteeing that their true needs will not be met, since their inner needs are denied in order to present the cool facade.  It is a self-perpetuating disorder.

Narcissists often lie, and believe their own lies.  Since the narcissistic personality is not mature, lying is similar to that of a child.  It often consists of pretense at being more important than they truly are or denial of wrong-doing, out of habit.  If caught in a lie, the narcissist is likely to turn it around on the person s/he lied to; declaring that they are victims of abuse and wrongful accusation.  They take great risks at concealing the truth and often their bold lies are so out of the norm that an average person is apt to believe their protestations of innocence.

Such a Perfect Mom

Contract? Lawful? Honest? Screw you! says the Narc.

They'll agree to anything then turn around and do the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocols are meaningless. This disloyal con artist will accuse YOU of being the contract breaker. They enjoy orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. 

Expect them to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. 

Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Subtle and Deadly

The most dangerous of all abuse is Ambient Abuse, often called “crazy-making”. It is the stealth, and subtle, underground maltreatment that sometimes goes unnoticed even by the victims themselves until it is too late. It is ambiguous and atmospheric and very hard to pinpoint or prove; hence it’s insidious and deadly effects.

Ambient Abuse is the fostering of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There is no tangible evidence of abuse but the victim constantly senses a bad omen or premonition of impending doom. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant and unnecessary lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom.

Over the long term this environment eats away at the victim’s self-esteem and their self-confidence is severely damaged. Many times the victim starts to act paranoid and highly emotional, which makes them look like the mentally unstable one and the abuser is the poor suffering soul. Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions “for your own good”.

Source - and more info...

WHAT are they thinking??

Because they are SO RESPONSIBLE

Because They are SO MATURE

Boundaries = WAR

If you have started setting up boundaries with your narcissistic parents or family, you might be getting some serious back lash. Keep in mind that this is normal. They do not like your boundaries. They want to be able to grab you and do what they want with you whenever they want. They will start throwing things out there like, "what is wrong with you?!", but in a disgusted tone, or, "you need to remember we are your family", which basically means, "how dare you have interests other than us?", or...and this one is a given, "the Bible says to honor your father and mother!”

Just because you're setting up boundaries doesn't mean you are leaving or disrespecting anyone. That is THEIR perspective and they are upset that they might be losing control over you.

Just remember that with narcissists, the more boundaries you set up, the more their personal attacks heat up. Plus, when they see they are losing control they will begin resorting to actions such as excluding you, cutting you out of the will, slandering you in the community but trying to disguise it as concern (such as telling people they think you might have a particular mental illness because you went to college in another state, or are getting married and beginning your own life so therefore you must need help, etc).

Tricky, tricky...

Confidence: Zero

Narcissism encourages envy and hostile rivalries, where self-esteem supports compassion and cooperation.

Narcissism favors dominance, where self-esteem acknowledges equality.

Narcissism involves arrogance, where self-esteem reflects humility.

Narcissism is affronted by criticism, where self-esteem is enhanced by feedback.

Narcissism makes it necessary to pull down others in order to stand above them.

Self-esteem leads to perceiving every human being as a person of value in a world of meaning.

Why Narcissistic Parents Overly Connect to Their Children

Narcissistic parents want their child’s performance to reflect on them. The reasons for this are complex. Parents may be trying to compensate for what they believe are their own shortcomings. They may rely on their child’s success to bolster themselves up. In doing so, they are failing to see their child as a unique and autonomous individual. They refuse to recognize that their child is separate from them, with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.

A narcissistic parent tends to focus on or almost “feed” on their child’s accomplishments. They often do this, because something is lacking within them. They may try to use their child to fill an emptiness they feel within themselves. Parents with full lives, in which they have many interests, close relationships, and passions, often offer more to their children than those who give up everything to be with their kids. Though they do this in the name of love, they don’t realize that their conception of love is actually skewed.

People often confuse love with emotional hunger. Parents who think they are giving their children love by showering them with constant attention are failing to see how much they are pulling on or draining the child. When a person feels a “need” or “longing” for their child, it can be a red flag that they are taking more than they are giving in the relationship. If a parent feels their child is “filling up” a part of them, for example, that they are their sole source of joy, it can be a further warning that they are experiencing emotional hunger toward their child. Love is an offering of encouragement, support, and affection. Emotional hunger provides just the opposite.