Rough year. Again. Are you done yet?

When your child is dropped off with your ex following your weekend or other visitation, a brainwashing parent will usually give your kid(s) a post-visitation “shakedown”.

The goal of the parent doing this is to extract all the details, looking for those that put the other parent in bad light.

The poor child knows the parent wants to hear only the bad (never mind that he/she just learned how to, say, ride a bike for the first time during this visit). So the child states the case the alienating parent wants to hear, often exaggerating or even lying.

How do you combat this? You can’t, mainly because you know it’s going on but you can’t prove it. Moreover, you simply can’t control the other parent’s behavior. So what you do is not think about the “shakedown” event. As long as you’re being the best parent you can be and do not engage in the awful behaviors the alienating parent is, you’ll come out fine in the end. And the child will remember the campaign against you eventually, and how fraudulent it was.

This, in turn, turns into the brainwashing boomerang.

It’s a shame what parents will do following a child’s time with a parent. The attempt to strip the bonding moments down and label them something different is without question child abuse.

Actions of an Alienating Parent

• Doesn’t inform you of upcoming school activities (especially unexpected ones)
• Expresses no enthusiasm for fun events you’re doing with the child (vacations, amusement parks, etc)
• Limits child’s cellphone and computer usage, so you’ll rarely get a call, text, or email
• Accomplishes a post-visitation shakedown, extracting as much info as possible to find negatives
• Able to hold resentment towards young, innocent children (ie, your children from another marriage)
• Never calls you when the child is sick or taken out of school
• Teaches the child adult things to tell you, such as “I don’t feel comfortable about the duration of our summer visitation, Dad”
• Labels themselves the “good” parent; labels you the “bad” parent
• Tells the child false stories about their childhood
• Tells the child in vivid detail how he or she was victimized by you (while taking no blame at all for the divorce)
• Teaches the child how to lie to you (coating their little hearts with false malice and scorn)
• Diminishes your extended family’s worth
• Neglects to have the child call you for your birthday, on New Year’s Eve, or other important dates
• Refuses to help the child reach and call/email/mail cards on relatives’ birthdays on your side of the family tree
• Uses child’s cellphone as a leash
• Never gets the child excited about seeing you
• Reminds the child of all that he or she will be missing while with you and away from them
• Inflicts his or her unhappiness onto the child (as alienators are deeply unhappy people)
• Attempts via a lawyer to reduce visitation to that even below family court minimum standards
• Takes the child out of state without a peep, while demands precise details whenever you travel with them
• Monopolizes the child’s time for hours on the phone (if you let them)
• Views any event in the child’s life– a distant Aunt’s birthday, a friend’s birthday, etc– as more important than their time with you
• Teaches the children from their current marriage to despise you
• Informs children of alienator’s plans for them past 18 (you’ll go to college at X, and will stay here with me)
• Is jealous of anything fun and memorable you do with the child (as they view the good times as a threat)
• Gripes about things you’re doing as a parent to the child, but says nothing to you about it
• Has outbursts around the child (extremely dramatic ones)

Female Abuser

Female abusers are not much different from male abusers and all abusers are not much different from one another. Abusive people typically think they are unique - so different from other people - that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. The fact is that abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors. These may include:

• Success Fantasies: She believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren't holding her back. They're blocking the way makes her feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. She also puts other people down as a way of building herself up.
• Blaming: She shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows her to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them."
• Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, she tries to justify her behavior with excuses. For example, "My parents never loved me," or "My parents beat me," or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper," or "I couldn't let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do."
• Redefining: She redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with her but with others or the outside world. For example: She doesn't come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; she comes home at 4 a.m. She says, "You're terrible company. Why should I come home to sit around with you? I bet the kids don't even like being with you."
• Making Fools of Others: She combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. She may try to charm the person she wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on his good side.
• Assuming: She often assumes she knows what others are thinking or feeling. Her assumption allows her to justify her behavior because she "knows" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
• Emotional Dependence: Abusive women are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that she acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny her own weakness.
  
  Another sign of dependence is "hoovering." This is all the pleading, goody-goody, sweetness, love and promises an abused man hears after he leaves her because of the abuse. She'll make extraordinary attempts to persuade him to return a.k.a. "hoovering."
• Jealousy: One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. She will spend a great deal of time monitoring her spouses activities. She lacks supportive relationships.
• Lying: She manipulates by lying to control information. She may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: She tries to appear truthful when actually lying or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.
• Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive women tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. She may expect her husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.
• Drama and Excitement: An abusive woman have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. She substitutes drama and excitement for closeness. She finsd it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, she'll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.
• Closed Channel: She doesn't tell much about personal details and real feelings. She is not open to new information about herself either, such as someone else's thoughts about them personally. She is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Female abusers believe they are right in all situations.
• Ownership: She is typically is very possessive. Moreover, she believes that anything that is wanted should be owned and that she can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others' behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.
• Poor Anger Management: Women who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become abusers themselves - monkey see monkey do. A woman who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A woman without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to her.
• Minimizing: She ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example: "I didn't slap you that hard", or "I only slapped one of the kids. I could have slapped them all."
• Fragmentation: She usually keeps her abusive behavior separate from the rest of her life. The separation is physical; for example, she will abuse family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for her to attend church Sunday morning and abuse family members Sunday night. She sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.
• Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, an abusive woman generally believes she is better than other people and doesn't have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too.
  
  Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, they are not. She shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, "I don't need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.
• Self-glorification: She usually thinks of herself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, she takes it as an insult.
• Inability to express feelings with words: This type of woman is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable.
  
  Particularly when frustrated, an abusive woman expects instant gratification from her spouse who is expected to "read" her mind and "know" what she wants. When her mate doesn't know what is expected, an abusive woman may interpret this as meaning her mate doesn't really love her. Therefore, with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.
• Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely allows her to avoid responsibility. Example: "I'm late because I had to do something on the way home."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

According to research a person has to meet five or more of the following symptoms in order to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder –

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special and unique people;
4. Rarely acknowledges mistakes, imperfections/shortcomings;
5. Requires excessive admiration and respect;
6. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
7. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;
8. Lacks empathy - unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;
9. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them;
10. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitude.

Criticism Is Unacceptable

When criticized, narcissists show themselves woefully incapable of retaining any emotional poise, or receptivity. And it really doesn't much matter whether the nature of that criticism is constructive or destructive. They just don't seem to be able to take criticism, period. At the same time, these disturbed individuals demonstrate an abnormally developed capacity to criticize others (as in, "dish it out" to them). It's precisely this need to be viewed as perfect, superlative, or infallible that makes them so hypersensitive to criticism. And their typical reaction to criticism, disagreement, challenges-or sometimes even the mere suggestion that they consider doing something differently-can lead to the "narcissistic rage" that is another of their trademarks. To protect their delicate ego in the face of such intensely felt danger, they're decidedly at risk for going ballistic against their perceived adversary.

All of which indicates just how fragile their artificially bloated sense of self really is. Given the enormity of their defenses, they regard themselves not on a par with, but above others. Yet they're mortally threatened when anyone dares question their words or behavior. Ancient fears about not being acceptable are never that far from the surface, which is why narcissists must forever be on their guard with anyone who might disbelieve or doubt them. For any external expression of doubt can tap into their own self-doubts.

And this is why, though they can certainly "dish it out" (by way of affirming to themselves their superiority over others), they just can't "take it" themselves. Obviously, if the child part of them was unequivocally convinced about their basic acceptability--was, that is, adequately integrated into their adult part--they wouldn't need to boast about (or exaggerate) their accomplishments, or vehemently debate anyone who took exception to their viewpoint. But it's definitely the case with narcissists that they see their best defense as mandating a good offense.

You cannot change another person, so stop trying to make the narcissist pay attention to you, hear you, respond to your feelings, understand your point of view, or be more thoughtful. This is an impossible task so it is time to give it up and concentrate on something that can be successful, that, is, doing these things for yourself.

Source. 

Empathy is Gone.

Lack of empathy is one of the most striking features of people with narcissistic personality disorder. It's a hallmark of the disorder in the same way that fear of abandonment is in borderline personality disorder.

"Narcissists do not consider the pain they inflict on others; nor do they give any credence to others' perceptions," says Dr. Les Carter in the book Enough of You, Let's Talk About Me (p. 9). "They simply do not care about thoughts and feelings that conflict with their own." Do not expect them to listen, validate, understand, or support you.

Never let a narcissist determine your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so don't trust them with sensitive information or sharing important achievements because they won’t treat it with the respect it deserves.

Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesn't inspire sympathy or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think about it, pity may be the only emotion evoked by someone who is so desperately in need of constant compliments, attention and validation.

Source.

Confusion is Insurance.

Victims or targets of a narcissistic personality leave the interaction, feeling Baffled, confused, and SELF BLAMING.

It is more often that a target of a narcissist will seek out therapy, often complaining to the therapist, that they suffer a general malaise and dis - ease with their lives; wondering what is WRONG with them.

As a person begins to understand the dynamics of a narcissistic personality, they begin to not only feel the relief that the problem is NOT themselves, as they've been blamed or encouraged to believe, but rather the presence of a personality disorder in the person they've been so baffled by.

With knowledge, comes POWER. The power to walk away from and establish boundaries to reclaim your identity, as narcissists are the CONSUMMATE identity thieves. Often taking what they want from a person they view as an 'OBJECT' and then leaving them in the dust and destruction of the chaos they caused in that person's life.

Source.

Sheep Attire

Often, a narcissist who is unaware or unwilling to come to terms with the mental deficiencies they possess will convince themselves that *they* are actually an Empath - someone who has an acute or highly developed sense of empathy. In actuality, a narcissist has a severe lack of empathy and is only ever attuned to their own emotions and needs, but they believe they are the expert people-readers, always expertly attuned to the emotions and needs of other people. What a narcissist is actually tuned into is the survey of vulnerability or fortitude in those around them. The narcissist only gives their emotional love to those they believe are worthy...which means to those who do not see, or confront them too deeply about the mental crimes that they commit against others. The narc can sense people who see beyond the excellent fake exterior that they work hard at portraying, and they will immediately sense the threat to their mask being revealed and start a campaign to assassinate the character of the person that they feel threatened by.

A Narc believes they have the right to other people's belongings, other people's personal liberties, and they believe they know the how and why of almost anything - especially in regards to their victims/targets. They will lie relentlessly while claiming arrogantly that their perspective is supreme and if you perspective or feelings disagree, then you need to be fixed, and they are perfect. They believe they have the right to demand from you whatever they want, while also getting off on deciphering what it is that their victim wants/needs and if they can, working to siphon off the victim's ability to have their needs or wants met. This gives them the sense of power and control they believe they have the right to have. They convince themselves that they have the right to power and control over you because they are the smarter, better, or more responsible. They work to put you down and convince *you* that you are not adequate, and they tend to victimize people who they "intuitively" glean as being easy to dominate - at least for a long enough period of time to feed the Narc's need to feed on the weaknesses of others (narc supply). Once the narc realizes that they can receive an easier or more supply of emotional and mental submission from another victim, they will discard the current victim and tell the victim that it is their fault that they are being left. Narc's never take responsibilities, and apologies are feigned and superficial, if they are ever said at all.

Why?

I have known my husband since I was 17 and he was 20. He was my best friend's high school sweetheart, and one of my favorite people on earth. In one sudden move, he broke up with my best friend and abruptly fell off the face of the earth. Years later, I finally found him --- married to the woman whom he'd left my best friend for and miserable. His wife had effectively isolated him from his family, convinced him that he was a drug addict, forced into NA, and obliterated his sense of self. He was a shell of who he used to be, his spirit was dim, and his heart was crushed. It took him eight years, but he finally shut down completely and reached levels of hopelessness that he'd never imagined. The marriage ended with his being falsely accused and wrongly convicted of domestic violence against a family member; and she took the house, the car, the kids, and any shred of dignity that she could get out of him along the way. 

This is a very short version obviously, but the pain of what he went through, paired with the pain of what she has put him through since the marriage ended is hard to describe. Physical abuse is easy to explain and prove, but emotional abuse is a devastation that can steal years of your life. These are his stories, our experience, and information we have used to help us navigate through having to withstand a true Narcissist at work.