Sorting through your experiences and emotions will help you to RECOGNIZE THE NARCISSIST:
Are you often tip-toe-ing around somebody?
Are you being told there's something wrong with you?
Is your reality denied?
Is someone undermining your self-esteem?
Is someone controlling your life or manipulating you?
Do you feel you can't be yourself?
Do you exist through the other's desires and not your own?
Are you always giving up on your needs to please the other?
Are you overwhelmed by guilt?
Do you feel you need to prop somebody up?
Are you often confused, do you have difficulty sorting out what is real or not, are you living in some sort of twilight zone?
Is someone sapping your resolve?
Is whatever happens always your fault?
Are you blamed for someone else's bad moods?
Are you met with criticism, the silent treatment or other punishment when you assert needs or express feelings?
Does the other want your exclusive and unconditional attention and does he or she insist to get what they want when they want it?
Are things being shoved down your throat?
Do you always come second?
Are you dealing with someone who does not take "no" for an answer?
Do you feel you always have to surrender?
Are you never getting an "I'm sorry"?
Are you the one who worries?
Are you the designated driver of someone else's life?
Are you doing the work, while the other has fun and avoids anything that is difficult?
Is someone sucking the lifeblood out of you?
Are you often on the defense?
Are you overlooking the reality of what is happening because you are so ready and willing to try to understand?
Do you feel compelled to defend and excuse your partner or your parent?
Do you overlook behavior that hurts?
Do you feel sorry for your partner or your parent?
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Narc Game Play
I'd hate to admit how long it took me to learn to trust my instincts. If you sense that someone is playing games with you, they are.
In some settings, of course, game-playing is appropriate. For example, in tennis, to pressure an opposing server, I will sometimes step up to play the return of serve from well inside the baseline. I am playing a mind game. I am telling the server that I eat power serves for lunch.
Of course, in a tennis match, I am competing with that other party. But I don't compete with the other party in every daily interaction I have with other people. That would be inappropriate, especially with the members of my immediate familiy and my friends and teammates and co-workers.
But narcissists do.
I think this is because they are never being themselves. Since they don't identify with their true inner selves, how could they ever just be themselves?
Instead, they are Narcissus, transfixed by their reflected image in the mirror of your face. Just posing before that mirror. Their reflection in it is what they identify with. And they pose so as to make it as grandiose as possible.
That's all that's really going on in your interactions with a narcissist.
For example, if you say "hello" to a normal person under normal circumstances, he will say "hello" back. What will a narcissist do? How will he play this interaction to aggrandize his image?
Often, in certain settings, such as the workplace, the narcissist has the gall to refuse to even look at or answer you, treating you as beneath his notice, even as contemptible.
You wonder what you did to make him mad at you, because a normal person would do that only if you did something awful to insult him. Or if he THOUGHT you had done some such thing. So, you wonder what terrible lie someone has told him about you.
If this is happening to you, consider another possibility - that he is not a normal person, but rather a narcissist.
A narcissist isn't a normal person acting on normal human premises. He refuses to say "hello" back just to make you out as unworthy of that consideration from him, to make you out as dirt beneath his feet. He's taking advantage of this opportunity to pose in a mirror, pretending grandeur with respect to you. He acts out the part of a god who feels insulted by an unworthy bug like you expecting his majesty's attention.
It's all part of the play going on in his childish mind, a work of fiction about himself in which he is the star of a show all about him. (Little children do the same thing in their fantasies.) He IDENTIFIES with the fictional character he creates in that mirror.
You have but a bit part in this show. You exist to reflect his greatness in your interactions with him, period.
Notice that the narcissist is essentially an author of fiction in which the hero is always some idealized version of himself. He edits reality on the fly to compose this work of fiction. It's how he supports his delusions of grandeur.
For example, take any everyday human interaction, even such a simple one as when you say, "Excuse me, may I borrow your pen for a moment?"
The damned narcissist will not just let it be about that pen. She's gotta exploit this interraction to play games with you. Quick, imagine that you're her: how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
A normal person will weigh several considerations. She'll consider whether she can spare the pen for a moment. She'll consider the fact that you'll think she's a jerk if she doesn't hand it over. And she'll consider the future trouble an unfriendly relationship with you could cause her. She may consider why you never have a pen with you and why you never return one you borrow. Or she may be delighted to do you this favor because you have done her favors and she likes you. In any case, the last thing on a normal person's mind is the opportunity to play this interaction as a power play.
But that's all that's ever on a narcissist's mind. She doesn't like anyone. She doesn't care about being liked (just admired, feared, favored). She doesn't care about getting along with people. She is no more capable of considering the future consequences of her actions than any other three-year-old. Even the business at hand is no consideration to her. A thing is never about whatever it's about. It's always all about her ego instead, period.
So, she plays everything you say or do in a game to gratify her ego at your ego's expense.
Therefore, in one way or another, her answer to your request to borrow her pen is going to make you feel like two cents waiting for change. Count on it. Every single time.
Suck, suck, suck ... like a parasite. Like a hookworm infection, constantly bleeding you drop by drop. It adds up.
"How do you like the turkey and dressing?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"Which of these two business models do you think is best?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself (some more)?
There's no end it. It's exasperting because it IS experating. You never get through that brick wall a narcissist throws up to bounce back everything you say or do as a flattering reflection on him- or her-self. One that denies you one bit of gratification and sucks every bit of gratification in the transaction to herself. (See the book The Games People Play by Eric Berne.)
No communication ever gets through that wall. There is never any human connection. No meeting of the minds. Just this constant play off everything you say or do in a narcissist's infernal, eternal, infantile game-playing.
Normal people have self-respect. So, from an early age on, your first thought is to rise above this childishness. You couldn't bear to stoop to such silly competeing for vanities.
Right. But the mistake we often make is to think that "rising above it" means "taking it."
When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be used.
That's enabling. Does that do the narcissist any good?
Does that do yourself any good?
The ego is not an evil thing. Nature has instilled us with this aspect of our personality because it is highly adaptive. It houses the healthy narcissism responsible for our self-love and instinct for self-preservation. If we allow it to be turned traitor against ourselves though, it becomes our own worst enemy, the Enemy Within.
You can't let a parasite like a narcissist constantly bleed it without that happening. This is a narcissist's way of dumping his or her own ego problems on YOU. The narc is transfering his or her own shame and self-hatred to you, like as in a bad-blood transfusion.
Don't allow it. I'd hate to have to admit how long it took me to realize that I can't expect myself to be unharmed by it. Note the narcissism in THAT!!!
I am just a human being. I am not invincible. I can and will eventually be harmed by this constant bloodletting. No shame in acknowledging that, just appropriate modesty.
We all need a world in which "I'm okay, and you're okay." But narcissists deny you that. They impose a world in which they're perfect and you're hopelessly defective.
So, now, when I sense that someone is using me - using me as a mirror for that - I take that mirror away. They don't get to interract with me at all.
In theory, it's simple to deny your presence to a narcissist who abuses it. In practice, however, it sometimes gets complicated, because the situation doesn't always allow you to physically remove yourself from a narcissist's Pathological Space. Then you must analyze the situation and find working ways to deny them interaction.
But be sure to deny them inappropriate interaction with you. Don't allow it and then just IGNORE the put-down you get.
Doing that just gives them permission to use you. And giving others permission to use you will destroy your self-respect.
Source.
In some settings, of course, game-playing is appropriate. For example, in tennis, to pressure an opposing server, I will sometimes step up to play the return of serve from well inside the baseline. I am playing a mind game. I am telling the server that I eat power serves for lunch.
Of course, in a tennis match, I am competing with that other party. But I don't compete with the other party in every daily interaction I have with other people. That would be inappropriate, especially with the members of my immediate familiy and my friends and teammates and co-workers.
But narcissists do.
I think this is because they are never being themselves. Since they don't identify with their true inner selves, how could they ever just be themselves?
Instead, they are Narcissus, transfixed by their reflected image in the mirror of your face. Just posing before that mirror. Their reflection in it is what they identify with. And they pose so as to make it as grandiose as possible.
That's all that's really going on in your interactions with a narcissist.
For example, if you say "hello" to a normal person under normal circumstances, he will say "hello" back. What will a narcissist do? How will he play this interaction to aggrandize his image?
Often, in certain settings, such as the workplace, the narcissist has the gall to refuse to even look at or answer you, treating you as beneath his notice, even as contemptible.
You wonder what you did to make him mad at you, because a normal person would do that only if you did something awful to insult him. Or if he THOUGHT you had done some such thing. So, you wonder what terrible lie someone has told him about you.
If this is happening to you, consider another possibility - that he is not a normal person, but rather a narcissist.
A narcissist isn't a normal person acting on normal human premises. He refuses to say "hello" back just to make you out as unworthy of that consideration from him, to make you out as dirt beneath his feet. He's taking advantage of this opportunity to pose in a mirror, pretending grandeur with respect to you. He acts out the part of a god who feels insulted by an unworthy bug like you expecting his majesty's attention.
It's all part of the play going on in his childish mind, a work of fiction about himself in which he is the star of a show all about him. (Little children do the same thing in their fantasies.) He IDENTIFIES with the fictional character he creates in that mirror.
You have but a bit part in this show. You exist to reflect his greatness in your interactions with him, period.
Notice that the narcissist is essentially an author of fiction in which the hero is always some idealized version of himself. He edits reality on the fly to compose this work of fiction. It's how he supports his delusions of grandeur.
For example, take any everyday human interaction, even such a simple one as when you say, "Excuse me, may I borrow your pen for a moment?"
The damned narcissist will not just let it be about that pen. She's gotta exploit this interraction to play games with you. Quick, imagine that you're her: how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
A normal person will weigh several considerations. She'll consider whether she can spare the pen for a moment. She'll consider the fact that you'll think she's a jerk if she doesn't hand it over. And she'll consider the future trouble an unfriendly relationship with you could cause her. She may consider why you never have a pen with you and why you never return one you borrow. Or she may be delighted to do you this favor because you have done her favors and she likes you. In any case, the last thing on a normal person's mind is the opportunity to play this interaction as a power play.
But that's all that's ever on a narcissist's mind. She doesn't like anyone. She doesn't care about being liked (just admired, feared, favored). She doesn't care about getting along with people. She is no more capable of considering the future consequences of her actions than any other three-year-old. Even the business at hand is no consideration to her. A thing is never about whatever it's about. It's always all about her ego instead, period.
So, she plays everything you say or do in a game to gratify her ego at your ego's expense.
Therefore, in one way or another, her answer to your request to borrow her pen is going to make you feel like two cents waiting for change. Count on it. Every single time.
Suck, suck, suck ... like a parasite. Like a hookworm infection, constantly bleeding you drop by drop. It adds up.
"How do you like the turkey and dressing?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"Which of these two business models do you think is best?"
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself?
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
Quick, narc, how do you play this to aggrandize yourself (some more)?
There's no end it. It's exasperting because it IS experating. You never get through that brick wall a narcissist throws up to bounce back everything you say or do as a flattering reflection on him- or her-self. One that denies you one bit of gratification and sucks every bit of gratification in the transaction to herself. (See the book The Games People Play by Eric Berne.)
No communication ever gets through that wall. There is never any human connection. No meeting of the minds. Just this constant play off everything you say or do in a narcissist's infernal, eternal, infantile game-playing.
Normal people have self-respect. So, from an early age on, your first thought is to rise above this childishness. You couldn't bear to stoop to such silly competeing for vanities.
Right. But the mistake we often make is to think that "rising above it" means "taking it."
When you do that, you are allowing yourself to be used.
That's enabling. Does that do the narcissist any good?
Does that do yourself any good?
The ego is not an evil thing. Nature has instilled us with this aspect of our personality because it is highly adaptive. It houses the healthy narcissism responsible for our self-love and instinct for self-preservation. If we allow it to be turned traitor against ourselves though, it becomes our own worst enemy, the Enemy Within.
You can't let a parasite like a narcissist constantly bleed it without that happening. This is a narcissist's way of dumping his or her own ego problems on YOU. The narc is transfering his or her own shame and self-hatred to you, like as in a bad-blood transfusion.
Don't allow it. I'd hate to have to admit how long it took me to realize that I can't expect myself to be unharmed by it. Note the narcissism in THAT!!!
I am just a human being. I am not invincible. I can and will eventually be harmed by this constant bloodletting. No shame in acknowledging that, just appropriate modesty.
We all need a world in which "I'm okay, and you're okay." But narcissists deny you that. They impose a world in which they're perfect and you're hopelessly defective.
So, now, when I sense that someone is using me - using me as a mirror for that - I take that mirror away. They don't get to interract with me at all.
In theory, it's simple to deny your presence to a narcissist who abuses it. In practice, however, it sometimes gets complicated, because the situation doesn't always allow you to physically remove yourself from a narcissist's Pathological Space. Then you must analyze the situation and find working ways to deny them interaction.
But be sure to deny them inappropriate interaction with you. Don't allow it and then just IGNORE the put-down you get.
Doing that just gives them permission to use you. And giving others permission to use you will destroy your self-respect.
Source.
Female Narc
It is a common misperception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists. In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently. From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is seen to be “overtly aggressive”. That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA). Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships. This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumors, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc). This behaviour harms others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion.
This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.
Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.
Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end. I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.
This subtle art of emotional devastation is acted out every day by narcissistic women everywhere. Regardless of whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in community settings, this bullying behavior pervades all of the female narcissist’s relationships. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim, and its advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As the female narcissist have no corresponding fear of social isolation, they do not value relationships, and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose one way or the other.
Another factor that helps to keep narcissistic females off the radar is the fact that their victims (both male and female) are more likely to remain silent about female relational aggression then they would be about male physical aggression. Male overt physical aggression has the advantage of being better understood by everybody, and instantly recognizable to the victim (and observers), whereas covert relational aggression is often very hard to identify or explain. Often the victim is at a loss to identify the psychological abuse that they are experiencing. The female narcissist is also very clever not to show her rage to witnesses, however when she gets her victim alone she will become absolutely malevolent.
Having said that however, when it comes to narcissism generally, both males and females are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr(s) Hyde’s, and both are equally emotionally abusive and treat others as a means to an end. I for one would welcome further research on female narcissistic relational aggression, and have it entered into the DSM V in order to simplify a diagnostic criterion.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
"Bazinga!"
Narcissists don't want to really help people and they certainly do not want to challenge a real bad guy because that could mean actually getting hurt! So they create bad guys out of safe people who they think won't challenge them because the narcissist is looking for an easy win that will allow them to shine.
They just make up stuff about their victim; voila, instant bad guy! The glory-hound narcissist will also deliberately overreact in public to perceived insults and 'crimes' to appear strong but they will only do so when the person they are confronting seems non-threatening.
For the narcissist to play the part of hero effectively, they expect their victims (the chosen bad guys) to follow their rules. You have to let them win. You have to act scared. You have to be cowed as they rage at you. You have to apologize. You have to admit fault even when you are not wrong. You have to be defeated because they have to win and that means you have to lose. You must lose face. You must lose ground. You must lose period.
That is why it is very common for narcissistic people to have their favorite bad guys that they attack and accuse on a regular basis. They aren't as eager to confront the unknown. They might misjudge and have real fight on their hands. So they train people in their lives to be the bad guys; people they have constant access to; people they can brainwash.
So if you are with someone who always makes you the bad guy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, you are most likely being used by a narcissist.
They just make up stuff about their victim; voila, instant bad guy! The glory-hound narcissist will also deliberately overreact in public to perceived insults and 'crimes' to appear strong but they will only do so when the person they are confronting seems non-threatening.
For the narcissist to play the part of hero effectively, they expect their victims (the chosen bad guys) to follow their rules. You have to let them win. You have to act scared. You have to be cowed as they rage at you. You have to apologize. You have to admit fault even when you are not wrong. You have to be defeated because they have to win and that means you have to lose. You must lose face. You must lose ground. You must lose period.
That is why it is very common for narcissistic people to have their favorite bad guys that they attack and accuse on a regular basis. They aren't as eager to confront the unknown. They might misjudge and have real fight on their hands. So they train people in their lives to be the bad guys; people they have constant access to; people they can brainwash.
So if you are with someone who always makes you the bad guy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, you are most likely being used by a narcissist.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Tornado
Expressing our emotions to a narcissist involves our vulnerability and trust that we will be
honored. It's a reaction that we have every right to expect when we are "close" to people.
People aren't perfect; so they're going to hurt us. We were all healthy enough when we
were first accosted by a narcissist. We were willing to forgive the ways the hurt us from the
very beginning.
The problem wasn't that we didn't forgive enough, the problem is that we were abused
instead of being listened to and respected. Its just one of the many ways that narcissists
erode our confidence and ability to defend ourselves against future attacks and/or leave.
Narcissists can't accept that they're less than perfect, even though they may be trying to act
like a person who doesn't care that much about "perfection" or "their image". Ignore the
words, and look at the ACTIONS. They all say "perfectionism"; thus, when you express
your feelings of negativity about a narcissist, they are inordinantly hurt and ATTACK back.
Because they believe that You are just as intentionally abusive as they are - they'll justify
abusing you by saying that you "deserved it". When all that's happening in reality is that a
narcissist can't take criticism (being less than perfect) they feel it as a huge injury and they
lash back in an over exaggerated manner.
It's a TWISTED world they live in - and one that twists us, while we are in it. You can't be
CENTERED when living in the eye of a tornado.
honored. It's a reaction that we have every right to expect when we are "close" to people.
People aren't perfect; so they're going to hurt us. We were all healthy enough when we
were first accosted by a narcissist. We were willing to forgive the ways the hurt us from the
very beginning.
The problem wasn't that we didn't forgive enough, the problem is that we were abused
instead of being listened to and respected. Its just one of the many ways that narcissists
erode our confidence and ability to defend ourselves against future attacks and/or leave.
Narcissists can't accept that they're less than perfect, even though they may be trying to act
like a person who doesn't care that much about "perfection" or "their image". Ignore the
words, and look at the ACTIONS. They all say "perfectionism"; thus, when you express
your feelings of negativity about a narcissist, they are inordinantly hurt and ATTACK back.
Because they believe that You are just as intentionally abusive as they are - they'll justify
abusing you by saying that you "deserved it". When all that's happening in reality is that a
narcissist can't take criticism (being less than perfect) they feel it as a huge injury and they
lash back in an over exaggerated manner.
It's a TWISTED world they live in - and one that twists us, while we are in it. You can't be
CENTERED when living in the eye of a tornado.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
thank you darkness.
'You are not alone, you are not crazy, and someday you will start to whisper thank you to the darkness... thank you to the pain, the fear the struggle even thank you to the narc ....because in the darkness you will find light you never knew you had inside your heart, strength you never imagined.'
- Christie Brinkley
- Christie Brinkley
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