Are we clear?

Assault is an intentional, unwanted, touching of another person.

Self-defense is a defense to a claim of assault that requires a reasonable belief that an assault against you is imminent, and your response must be reasonably proportional to the force used against you.

I call fives!

Our personal stories have been moved to fresh bloggy digs, to be prepared for publishing a book with all the dirty details. Stay tuned - links to come soon.

This blog will remain a generalized collection of anecdotes about the eerie mold from which all narcissists come. It's STUNNING how similar they all are.

Tricky, tricky, tricky!

People will join the smear campaign no matter what you say or present to them, perhaps not all...but many.

Much of the campaigning will have occurred before you caught wind of it and will have twists and turns you won't be privy to.

This is done on purpose so that you desperately or frantically try to defend against one issue while they are talking about another: in other words to make you look out of touch or erratic.

They are counting on this reaction out of you. You are as much an actor in their play as anyone with them in role of director and producer.

The Narcissist neither forgives nor forgets...

There’s another reason a relationship with a narcissist will be rocky: According to the work of Julie Juola Exline and others, conflict resolution is well-nigh impossible with narcissists, because they are skeptical about the value of forgiveness, on the one hand, and easily offended, on the other. They tend to run a cost-benefit analysis when there has been a transgression of any sort in a relationship and, generally, don’t see the benefit of either forgiving or forgetting. They are quick to hold a grudge.

There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.

Play along...

You better be on your best behavior...

Coming for you...

Gaslighting 101 - Pierce The Darkness contribution

Gas lighting is a form of brainwashing.

Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.

Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.

Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial

There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:

"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"

It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.

Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets

Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation

In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:

1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.

Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears

In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:

1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”

Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe

Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:

1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”

- Pierce The Darkness - (Excerpt 1)

Relationships with narcissists are unidirectional and transactional. They take and you give.

A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.

You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.

People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.

Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.

Intent.

Many of the same behaviors, tactics and techniques used to deceive us by narcissists are exactly the same tactics and techniques used to interest us, draw us closer, charm and seduce too. What is different is not the behavior or tactic...but the intent.

Onward & Upward

...we each had heard many of the same exact lines from our exes, the exact same behaviors and spent just as long trying to figure this stuff all out. Narcissism happens, and it happens to men as well as women. The same lack of empathy, the same cruelty, the same walking on eggshells. We are all much more alike than we are different. 

For extra brutality, add a beatdown section.

I have more respect, hope, and love

for the man who beat the crap out of me in drunken rages

stalked me for 18 months when I left him and went into hiding

attempted to murder my quadriplegic boyfriend 

and is now in prison for the next 16 years, with a lifetime no-contact order

than I do for you. 

Because he has a heart. He can FEEL. He feels regret. 

And he is man enough to sincerely apologize.

And he works hard to make his life right for his son.

Your crimes are worse because they aren't against a grown person

You slaughter your own children

without apology.

without so much as a single glimmer of recognition for your depravity. 

The world is safer with him here, and you in his place.

Alone, in a 8x8 cell, until you finally realize just how brutal 

your cuts to their souls really are. 

It's so insane, you'd never believe it...and they count on that.

A high functioning narcissist will put much thought into where they attack you. They will have spent years emotionally abusing you in your home behind closed doors while simultaneously presenting the opposite impression outside to everyone else. Each is meant to wear you down, weaken and control you. But they do not stop there. They look at who you are as a person and what you look to for strength and will head over there in due time. You can expect then that they will turn to any church or place of worship you might visit as a place to get you, your appearance or personal habits are very fair game too...as are the family pets, any hobbies, pursuits and interests you engage in during your down time. All of these will be turned upside down and inside out and drudged up as evidence of your recklessness. How you say? Well, an interest in outdoor activities become reckless adventure seeking; Reiki, yoga and crystals become dangerous occult practices and your hobby of baking cupcakes: a clear inability to provide basic nutrition, a healthy lifestyle and is a pursuit that must be stopped immediately.
Did you make chocolate cupcakes? Expect requests for a restraining order, limited visitation and new doctors.

Good grief...I wish I were exaggerating.

Oh yeah...and fluffy the cat? A dangerous asthma inducing pest that must be put down for humanity's sake.

All that love, attention and care you gave in the relationship is not lost...it was real, it still exists and it still matters. It may not have been appreciated, valued or reciprocated by your ex but it was real and will manifest itself again in some other way or relationship.

Ever noticed how they would claim they were the ones doing all the work, giving all the attention, taking all the abuse? How many of you have narcs that still tell you that they aren't your punching bag anymore - and they seem to believe themselves!

Their backwards sob stories, and that cold, steely confidence they love to show others is nothing but a facade to cover up their own crimes and desperately hidden fears. Everything is fake and unnatural.

In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through.

Today he looked at me and said, "You know, I think you think she has a soul. She doesn't."

But she likes to go hiking, and to prosthelytize about ethics and morals.

"Doesn't the devil do that? Doesn't he like to observe beautiful things so he can find ways to crush and destroy them? Doesn't he like to masquerade, and rage when it's removed? Doesn't he like to fool himself with a lofty, lying mirror? Doesn't he like surrounding himself only with people who believe he is amazing?"

I was stunned, really. He doesn't speak like this.

But she loves her children.

Laughter. "Does she? Or is it the way they worship her because she's convinced and trained them from birth that she - and only she - can meet their every need - even above their own selves. Is that love? You know better. She is nothing but an empty emulation of everything she wishes she could be, but knows she never will be."

Everyone has a soul, honey. God must still have a purpose for her, or she wouldn't be here.

"You believe that if you need to. Was Hitler purposed for God? Or was he serving someone else's purpose? I have seen her, and known her, and mark my words, she is a soulless creature with a mirror. Nothing more, nothing less."

I hate it when you talk about her because you say such disparaging things, and you never speak ill of anyone.

"I wish I had never come to know someone with a truth as savage as hers. She has ripped my first two children in half, and she is gleeful about it. She is not worth a single word out of my mouth, or a single thought in my brain. And unless you bring her up, I have years of experience eradicating her from my consciousness. You will learn how to do the same when you realize that she has no soul. There are no prayers. She is dead, and and anyone she has convinced otherwise will suffer for it eventually."

Do you think she is glad you hate her?

"I don't hate her. I used to hate her, until I realized there is no being to hate. She is simply a skin-covered void, with a natural fupa, no less. I have my peace with God, and my prayers of protection over my children. I will never go near her again, for as much as I can help it. Her emptiness is a liquid disease that seeps in any and every space it can find to exploit. She has already disfigured two of my children, and made fools out of my parents. The only thing she is glad for is her own power and poison."

Do you think she would be sad or hurt if she heard you say these things?

"No. There you go thinking she has a soul again."

the tao of narcs

A narcissist I have noticed will take virtually any situation and turn it upside down and inside out. The smallest innocent things become wildly distorted issues that are then paraded in court, in front of evaluators and told to psychologists. It is inescapable...this is just the tao of narcs.

Narcissists want "feel good", success and recognition even if its fake, achieved by questionable means or a lie. They are always chasing, working around or scheming to get most of the things in their life. If it somehow doesn't work out...they'll simply tell themselves that it isn't important over and over until they believe it or forget doubt. Then they'll replace it. This applies to everything from idea's to friends to you. They are never satisfied ultimately because they are always looking for the wrong thing and incapable of accepting or seeing their true deficit.

Narcissism is pretty much hardwired. The behaviors they did in the past will continue to happen. From what I have seen they have three main states:

1. The charming seduction "I need something" state.
2. The rage state.
3. The I am bored or distracted state.

Gaslighting

 Gaslighting is by definition a sophisticated manipulation tactic which offenders/ violators and sociopathic types of personalities use to create doubt in the minds of their victims.Gaslighting is also a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred.

Dr, George Simon stated " Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work."

Offenders/ Violators will often use specific phrases and techniques to gaslight their victims . They will Counter, where they will vehemently call into question the victims recollection even though it is correct or substantiated by others. They will often do this in an angry, patronizing,accusatory, or condescending tone. this is the fist step in making the victim doubt their perception. They will Block and Divert, where the Offender/ violator will change the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation, Often offering up their opinion as the means of controlling the conversation. They will TRIVIALIZE making the victim think the incident was a "small thing" or "Not that Serious". Often using more serious events in comparison to attempt to trivialize their actions. They will attempt to control a conversation either spoken or written by denying responsibility, offering continued or varied excuses how this is not their fault or offering other varied excuses. They will in many cases literally turn a conversation one sided by refusing to acknowledge your statements and doing all they can to be the only one speaking to ensure their side is the only side be it a verbal or non verbal medium.

Guilting the victim in such a way as to ensure confusion and doubt in their victim. They do this by laying out how the victims coming forward has effected them and their life. They use phrases like "This is your feeling" or " You" felt this or that way, there by shifting from the actions they took to "YOUR FEELINGS" which they are making you doubt. They will continually and with unflinching purpose shift the blame and responsibility to you and your "feelings" Not them and their actions.

Now some food for thought in closing. There are many many people out there who are sociopaths,narcissistic, and abusive offenders/ violators.
The trick in any verbal intercourse is to believe in your decisions and your ability to perceive what is going on with you and to you. If someone is doing any of the things you have read here or anything close take a step back and ask yourself why are these feelings of guilt or shame there. If the answer is because someone manipulated you into feeling and having them. Congratulations you just got gaslighted. NOW get pissed and put the blame where it belongs on the OFFENDER / VIOLATOR.

There are literally thousands of sources of knowledge out there and this writing has drawn from far to many to list but if need be I can offer up the sources.The bottom line is educate yourself on these topics with them find your own sources compare add and for god sake form your own opinion. Just be resolute in your belief in your perceptions and your decisions stemming from that, don't be manipulated by long drawn out well worded excuses that try to alter your perception ,because that is what your Offender and Violator want to create that grey area in your mind and in the community as a whole. Because that is where they walk through with impunity because we allow it. Hopefully this educates a few out there in the hopes that the grey area is a little smaller and the predators tread a little lighter and the victims sleep a little sounder.

& how

You will be held to the highest standards and not allowed barely an in of fault.

The narcissist on another hand will act or do pretty much as he or she wants laughing at you privately as they deny any wrongdoing or unreasonability.

They will get away with murder while you have the book thrown at you for the most insignificant things.

Expect this and simply do the best you can...you and I know the truth.

Put that in your pipe.

Narcissists reflect radiance rather than emit it. It may look shiny and bright but it is illusionary.

2 Things.

A narcissist more than anything is interested in two main things:

1. Feeling good
2. Controlling the people around them.