What's it like to waste people, narc?

One of the hardest parts about healing is realizing how much of your loving energy was wasted. In an abusive relationship, you try harder than ever before. And not only are these efforts unappreciated, they are spat back in your face with venomous contempt. This is why survivors often feel constantly fatigued and anxious - they are conditioned to believe that nothing they do will ever be good enough. In reality, there are millions of goodhearted people out there who would not only appreciate, but also reciprocate your love and better yet: generate it on their own. You are probably used to inspiring others, which feels hollow and exhausting after abuse. This is your soul trying to tell you: Relax. Let someone else do the inspiring for once.

Malignant Narcissism

The Entitled: A common mask of the toxic Narcissist

 When dealing with someone who feels they can make their own set of rules and that they should be able to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. They feel superior as if they deserve a special set of rules and treatment. They easily become indignant and petulant when someone suggests that they don’t quite agree with the narcissist’s superiority complex.

The concept of give & take reciprocity is entirely lost on a narcissist. Because they believe that you owe them to be subservient to their needs, wants and whims – they view your attempt to get reciprocal action as an affront, insult and control move. How DARE you take something the narcissist deserves away from them! They have serious trouble being on the receiving end of the word NO and are very acidic and downright abusive with their response and furthermore feel NO REMORSE for their inability to empathize with others.

Before you even attempt to point this out to them, rest assured that YOU will be accused of doing exactly what they are actively engaged in doing right that moment. They will tell you that YOU throw temper tantrums because you've been told no. They will tell you that YOU are being controlling. They will tell you that YOU are petulant, obtuse, and dramatic. They will tell you that YOU don't know how to cooperate, and that YOU are being selfish and thinking only of yourself and your own wants. They will insist that THEY are kind, compassionate, cooperative, and selfless. They will even tell you that YOU like rewrite and revise events to fit your delusions. They basically will list out all of their own sins and point them all at you. They simply speak to mirrors and don't realize how far out of reality they really are.

How Targets Respond Emotionally To The Bait & Switch

The narcissist doesn’t feel bound by the same rules we do. The tactics they use to manipulate us are unfair and duplicitous. The narcissist’s disordered personality does not allow for open discussion, honest sharing, or the normal give and take of healthy relationships.

Insecurity

When the narcissist is performing the disappearance act, the instability of their mood, the unreliability of their presence left you feeling alone and insecure. These feelings can connect you to another time in your life where you felt alone and insecure, amplifying your anxiety. When you mention your feelings of the impact of the narcissist’s departure, you are shut down. You’re called names, told you are insecure for no reason (as if you suddenly started acting insecure in reaction to nothing) and let you know what a bother your feelings are; which further increase your sense of insecurity. Even though they blame and shame you, this isn’t an internal insecurity, it is insecurity about the reliability of this relationship and the narcissist.


Intimidated

When narcissists ask for your opinion, they do it to engage in battle rather than engage in conversation, they can be downright intimidating. They coax you into the water, only to find that you’re having your toe bit off by a piranah. You start to realize that the narcissist doesn’t ask for your opinion to really HEAR it, they elicit any kind of input from you to do two things: CONTROL AND BELITTLE YOU. This reaction serves to teach you that in the future – your input will not be valued nor required. Just sit there and look pretty. I often told the narcissist that abused me that he treated me like a vase on a shelf. Pretty to look at, well placed and permanently available to him to pick off the shelf whenever he needed something from me. I was not to have a life outside of being that vase that couldn’t move.

Resentment

When the narcissist goes back and forth between Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde, your anger and resentment go through the roof! How dare he treat you like a subservient object, then waltz back in as if nothing happened, simply because he needs some feel good from you. It’s exasperating. Their pure selfishness and inability to see things from your point of view, is AGGRAVATING! It’s important to get resolve when you’ve had a misunderstanding with a person. You want them to hear your side of things and understand your needs, so that in the future, this hurt can be avoided. With a narcissist, it falls on deaf ears, because their ONLY reason for wanting a disagreement to be over, is so their IV drip of honey from your arm, is uninterrupted.

Provocation

How does the narcissist manage to turn on the superficial charm again and again while abusing you simultaneously? And why do we fall for it time and time again? It’s not because we’re foolish, it’s because we want to be loved, it feels good to be cared for, to have the love we feel for the narcissist returned to us, its nice to have moments of kindness even if they’re short lived. To suddenly have the narcissist turn on us while we’re least expecting it, is a truly unfair and cruel provocation.

Powerlessness

The Devil’s advocate tactic is a way of elevating their unique and special form of knowledge on whatever topic they’re pontificating about. You feel like you’re in a no win situation. If you don’t concede, they’ll keep you up all night proving their point. You just want the madness to stop, so you acquiesce. It just seems easier. Your feelings can resonate back to those of a child, how powerless children are to have any say in matters of importance, and with a narcissist, of non-importance. If you learned to subjugate your voice to a narcissistic person in your past, you’ll surely do it again in the presence of this narcissist’s sheer will to be in control of EVERYTHING; even your opinions.

Fake & Take

Faux empathy is when a person gives the appearance of being empathetic – so thoughtful, caring, considerate etc – but is doing it in a surface way to extract something from you. If you’ve ever had what appeared to be empathy only for that person to say or do something not long after that left you with your head spinning in confusion, you’ve experienced faux empathy.

Words say plenty, but actions are irrefutable...

Because of your partner’s pathological narcissism, you are expected to do for them and honor them and sing their praises while basically, you receive nothing in return. Oh sure, they likely provides you with a roof over your head—perhaps even quite a nice one at that. There might be other impressive material things they provides, too. After all, if they suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism, they might want you encased in designer labels as well as to have diamonds flashing on your fingers and ears because these speak to others of their financial success. They may or may not be what you want to wear, however.

When you are the partner of a narcissist, you are there to project the image he wants for you—that he wants his partner to project. Of course, your house and lifestyle probably fall into this category, too. They are all about making statements to others he wishes to impress, not about providing you with the type of environment you might find comfortable or restful--an environment that feeds your soul.

Again, while the material things your narcissistic spouse provides might look good to the outside world, they likely will miss the nark with you. Nonetheless, he doesn’t care because indeed, it isn’t about you. How could you ever make such a mistake in thinking that it was? No indeed, it is all about him and his needs. And so, your narcissistic partner won’t care that you never receive the love and the emotional support you need to thrive. He doesn’t care that he has drained the emotional bank account dry—that you finally collapse, emotionally and physically depleted. You are both expendable and replaceable, my dear, because indeed, the narcissist you are merely an object to be used—not a human being with needs and feelings.