"If someone is rich, or pretty, or overly positive or even incredibly interesting, I'll find a little flaw in them I meditate on so as not to feel inferior."
The journal of a narcissist.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
It really is a shame. Shame.
In the narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all.
What psychologists call, "bypassed" shame looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage.
Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the self. It can never be their fault.
The need to avoid shame at all costs create a continuing dilemma for the narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride.
There's always someone brighter, better, more beautiful, more everything.
The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to a narcissist because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law.
Their challenge is to stay pumped up inside in order to hold harsh realities at bay.
What psychologists call, "bypassed" shame looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage.
Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the self. It can never be their fault.
The need to avoid shame at all costs create a continuing dilemma for the narcissist, as life has a way of regularly doling out humbling experiences that cannot be taken in stride.
There's always someone brighter, better, more beautiful, more everything.
The fact that no one is perfect is of little comfort to a narcissist because they see themselves as the exception to this natural law.
Their challenge is to stay pumped up inside in order to hold harsh realities at bay.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
A threat to them = a bad influence on you...curious, isn't it?
Often I would get roundabout nudging when it came to persuading me not to do something I felt compelled to do or felt strongly about. However I remember once shortly after being reunited with old friends I was told something along these lines:
"Normally I would create some elaborate story or reasons why you shouldn't talk to Laura and Karen, but not this time...I am just going to come straight out with it: I do not want you associating with them anymore. They are not a good influence on you and I am threatened by them. Slowly taper off your relations with them and let me decide who we associate with. I mean it, you are not allowed to associate with them...do you understand?"
And before you know it, everyone is a threat.
"Normally I would create some elaborate story or reasons why you shouldn't talk to Laura and Karen, but not this time...I am just going to come straight out with it: I do not want you associating with them anymore. They are not a good influence on you and I am threatened by them. Slowly taper off your relations with them and let me decide who we associate with. I mean it, you are not allowed to associate with them...do you understand?"
And before you know it, everyone is a threat.
Enmeshment
"You shouldn't talk about our family's business"
" You shouldn't ____"
"In the future, please come to me first before ____."
"Tell me everything that was said"
Sound familiar?
" You shouldn't ____"
"In the future, please come to me first before ____."
"Tell me everything that was said"
Sound familiar?
if only
Survivors are often left with "if only" moments, thinking back and wishing we hadn't done certain things that supposedly ruined the perfect relationship. But if your partner really ever cared about you, you wouldn't be running every single one of your mistakes through your mind, wondering with each one if that was the reason you were replaced or harmed. If your entire relationship was hanging on a few “if only” moment going differently, then it was a toxic relationship. This means you were walking on eggshells, on the brink of a breakup any time something didn't go exactly according to plan. This is not companionship and support. This is what silence & abuse does to a loving, compassionate human being. This is what happens when one person refuses to take any responsibility for their actions, while the other is willing to absorb all of the blame if it means keeping the peace.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
The excuses we tell ourselves...
1. "Maybe it is all in my head":
Lets see:
I used to be happy, have friends, attended family functions, stayed up late, could make decisions on spending (even if wrong), go out and do things, make whatever I wanted for dinner and stack the cupboard any which way I liked. Nope...not in your head.
If you feel nervous before arriving home, wondering if it is ok to heat up a frozen entree or feel the need to get permission before communicating with other humans...it is not in your head.
You have yourself a problem, masquerading as a loved one.
2. "(S)he wouldn't go that far"
Please think again. Yes, they will go that far...possibly even farther. A narcissist in rage mode is capable of quite a bit:
Alienating the kids.
Emotionally abusing those near and dear.
Leaving you homeless.
Accusing you of crimes or abuse.
Having you arrested.
Stealing the money.
Destroying property.
Ruining your relationships.
Getting you fired.
3. "Maybe if they get some help or medication"
Nope. Probably not going to happen and if by chance you do manage to convince them to walk into a therapist office you can expect one of the following:
1. They feel they do not need to go because everything is ok with them.
2. They will feel that the therapist doesn't know what they are talking about.
3. They will convince the therapist that it is you with the problem.
4. They will feign interest while continuing to harass and abuse you in secret.
4. " I will stick it out for the kids sake"
You can stay and tell yourself that you will put up with anything for the kids sake but here is an important truth you should be aware of:
There is no guarantee that they will.
You could put up with years of gaslighting, devaluing and cruel emotional games and then one day unexpectedly find yourself facing homelessness, custody of your children being taken away and false allegations of various abuse. All while your ex has shacked up with a stunning twenty four year old super model or a wealthy corporate executive who bought into her tales of your neglect or worse.
When a narcissist leaves you it is often on their complete terms:
They move the money.
They hide the financial paperwork.
They prepare evidence and a case against you.
They build up a strong support network.
They tear you down emotionally.
They assassinate your character.
All while you try to keep the marriage going or simply put up with the abuse. One day you are shuttling kids to soccer games or working long hours and the next day you are discarded like yesterdays garbage.
----
Copy/pasted. This is beyond creepy.
Lets see:
I used to be happy, have friends, attended family functions, stayed up late, could make decisions on spending (even if wrong), go out and do things, make whatever I wanted for dinner and stack the cupboard any which way I liked. Nope...not in your head.
If you feel nervous before arriving home, wondering if it is ok to heat up a frozen entree or feel the need to get permission before communicating with other humans...it is not in your head.
You have yourself a problem, masquerading as a loved one.
2. "(S)he wouldn't go that far"
Please think again. Yes, they will go that far...possibly even farther. A narcissist in rage mode is capable of quite a bit:
Alienating the kids.
Emotionally abusing those near and dear.
Leaving you homeless.
Accusing you of crimes or abuse.
Having you arrested.
Stealing the money.
Destroying property.
Ruining your relationships.
Getting you fired.
3. "Maybe if they get some help or medication"
Nope. Probably not going to happen and if by chance you do manage to convince them to walk into a therapist office you can expect one of the following:
1. They feel they do not need to go because everything is ok with them.
2. They will feel that the therapist doesn't know what they are talking about.
3. They will convince the therapist that it is you with the problem.
4. They will feign interest while continuing to harass and abuse you in secret.
4. " I will stick it out for the kids sake"
You can stay and tell yourself that you will put up with anything for the kids sake but here is an important truth you should be aware of:
There is no guarantee that they will.
You could put up with years of gaslighting, devaluing and cruel emotional games and then one day unexpectedly find yourself facing homelessness, custody of your children being taken away and false allegations of various abuse. All while your ex has shacked up with a stunning twenty four year old super model or a wealthy corporate executive who bought into her tales of your neglect or worse.
When a narcissist leaves you it is often on their complete terms:
They move the money.
They hide the financial paperwork.
They prepare evidence and a case against you.
They build up a strong support network.
They tear you down emotionally.
They assassinate your character.
All while you try to keep the marriage going or simply put up with the abuse. One day you are shuttling kids to soccer games or working long hours and the next day you are discarded like yesterdays garbage.
----
Copy/pasted. This is beyond creepy.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Oh honey, let's not "fight"...play along like the way I treat you is COMPLETELY NORMAL!
I didn't catch the signs at the beginning of the relationshit (intentional) but they were there in retrospect. One of the biggest was all the testing.
"Can I upset you?
How far can i push an issue?
Will you yell? Will you punish me back?
Will you brood?
How vicious can I take it before you react? Before you leave?
What happens when I do something you love or hate?
Test, test, test.
Oh honey...lets not fight. I simply want to know what I can get away with before I start training you."
Covert Narc Training - Once you're brainwashed:
You are less capable than you ever thought you were. Forget that job in accounting or degree in psychology...your skills in counting or understanding the human mind will slowly be eroded, replaced with their fears, doubts and worry and deferred to the expert with their natural intuitive powers of intelligence and experience. Your JesusMahatmaMotherTheresaGandhi knows more than you and any other twelve thousand people and will be happy to guide and remind you of how much practice you STILL need.
You need to seek therapy, they'll say.
You need to find Jesus, they'll say.
You need to go to rehab, they'll say.
You need serious help, they'll say.
You are hurting this family, they'll say.
You are selfish and blind, they'll say.
I only want you to be a better person. Look at all the people I have convinced of your invalidity! See! It's not ME, it's YOU.
I'm only trying to help you. You can't help it. You just have a problem. You just have a disease. God can help. Counseling can help. I just want to live a long life with you! I am just trying to help you help yourself. Poor baby. It must be hard having that disease. I will be here for you, I just need you to show you care about our family by getting the help you so desperately need!
But be very clear: YOU are the one who needs help. You're an idiot if you think anything else.
They can't bear the mirror, but they can't stop looking into it and projecting onto you.
Control. First a little here and there. Then it is what color toothbrush you should buy and how best to use the toilet, what kind of pants you should be wearing.
When they socialize it is holy...when you do it is never with the right people or for the right reasons. Family will be portrayed as meddling, close friends as interring or bad influences and everyone else either beneath you, poor or lame. Never should you be left alone with others either. If by chance you are allowed they'll want a full briefing of what transpired.
Notice that each of these previous posts have an agenda behind them: control, isolation, unbalance, devaluing, etc.
It took time to slowly drip feed these abuses to you and it took time for you to doubt your perceptions, feel like crap and get lost in a cloud of fog. This is when it's easy to slide into drug or alcohol abuse to start to cope with the confused devastation and cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. It didn't happen overnight and it was likely subtle...it could and does happen to anyone! Do not spend a single moment questioning how this could have happened to you because it happens to people of all stripes, backgrounds and education.
...You know what the creepy thing is? I (Denise) didn't write this...this is copy pasta from another unfortunate soul who fell in the Narc trap. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME: Zombies.
"Can I upset you?
How far can i push an issue?
Will you yell? Will you punish me back?
Will you brood?
How vicious can I take it before you react? Before you leave?
What happens when I do something you love or hate?
Test, test, test.
Oh honey...lets not fight. I simply want to know what I can get away with before I start training you."
Covert Narc Training - Once you're brainwashed:
You are less capable than you ever thought you were. Forget that job in accounting or degree in psychology...your skills in counting or understanding the human mind will slowly be eroded, replaced with their fears, doubts and worry and deferred to the expert with their natural intuitive powers of intelligence and experience. Your JesusMahatmaMotherTheresaGandhi knows more than you and any other twelve thousand people and will be happy to guide and remind you of how much practice you STILL need.
You need to seek therapy, they'll say.
You need to find Jesus, they'll say.
You need to go to rehab, they'll say.
You need serious help, they'll say.
You are hurting this family, they'll say.
You are selfish and blind, they'll say.
I only want you to be a better person. Look at all the people I have convinced of your invalidity! See! It's not ME, it's YOU.
I'm only trying to help you. You can't help it. You just have a problem. You just have a disease. God can help. Counseling can help. I just want to live a long life with you! I am just trying to help you help yourself. Poor baby. It must be hard having that disease. I will be here for you, I just need you to show you care about our family by getting the help you so desperately need!
But be very clear: YOU are the one who needs help. You're an idiot if you think anything else.
They can't bear the mirror, but they can't stop looking into it and projecting onto you.
Control. First a little here and there. Then it is what color toothbrush you should buy and how best to use the toilet, what kind of pants you should be wearing.
When they socialize it is holy...when you do it is never with the right people or for the right reasons. Family will be portrayed as meddling, close friends as interring or bad influences and everyone else either beneath you, poor or lame. Never should you be left alone with others either. If by chance you are allowed they'll want a full briefing of what transpired.
Notice that each of these previous posts have an agenda behind them: control, isolation, unbalance, devaluing, etc.
It took time to slowly drip feed these abuses to you and it took time for you to doubt your perceptions, feel like crap and get lost in a cloud of fog. This is when it's easy to slide into drug or alcohol abuse to start to cope with the confused devastation and cognitive dissonance you are experiencing. It didn't happen overnight and it was likely subtle...it could and does happen to anyone! Do not spend a single moment questioning how this could have happened to you because it happens to people of all stripes, backgrounds and education.
...You know what the creepy thing is? I (Denise) didn't write this...this is copy pasta from another unfortunate soul who fell in the Narc trap. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME: Zombies.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
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