People will join the smear campaign no matter what you say or present to them, perhaps not all...but many.
Much of the campaigning will have occurred before you caught wind of it and will have twists and turns you won't be privy to.
This is done on purpose so that you desperately or frantically try to defend against one issue while they are talking about another: in other words to make you look out of touch or erratic.
They are counting on this reaction out of you. You are as much an actor in their play as anyone with them in role of director and producer.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
The Narcissist neither forgives nor forgets...
There’s another reason a relationship with a narcissist will be rocky: According to the work of Julie Juola Exline and others, conflict resolution is well-nigh impossible with narcissists, because they are skeptical about the value of forgiveness, on the one hand, and easily offended, on the other. They tend to run a cost-benefit analysis when there has been a transgression of any sort in a relationship and, generally, don’t see the benefit of either forgiving or forgetting. They are quick to hold a grudge.
There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.
There’s a bit of good news in that for those of you unlucky enough to fall for a narcissist: That grudge-holding stance and the behavior that accompanies it may be the light you need to see the leopard’s spots.
Gaslighting 101 - Pierce The Darkness contribution
Gas lighting is a form of brainwashing.
Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.
Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.
Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial
There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:
"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"
It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.
Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets
Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation
In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:
1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears
In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:
1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”
Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe
Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:
1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”
Simply put gas lighting is a form of brainwashing that is meant to make one doubt one’s own beliefs, thoughts, and perceptions. It is a method that narcissists employ with great success to control those close to them. Gas lighting however is somewhat difficult to execute successfully because it essentially demands that others change their basic core beliefs and replace them with those of the gas lighter. Most people vigorously defend their beliefs and become quite resistant unless properly conditioned beforehand. These techniques are not unlike those used by religious cults to brainwash new members.
Gas lighting therefore to be effective usually starts off gradually and grows slowly and incrementally over time as each new hurdle of resistance is in turn overcome. The gas lighter must be consistent and regular in reinforcing their message that you are wrong and they are right. In order to successfully gaslight someone a narcissist will carefully pick and then groom that target for some time before actually initiating the techniques needed to sway their intended target.
Gaslighting 101: Techniques revealed - Denial
There are a number of different methods used to gaslight someone. One important method is Denial, examples of Denial are:
"I never said that" , "You are imagining things", "You are always accusing me"
It is simple but effective. Don’t underestimate its power.
Gas lighting 101: Techniques revealed – Confiding supposed secrets
Another common technique employed is confiding what others supposedly think about the target. Imagine a girl meeting a group of friends to go out dancing and one friend who is jealous of the attention a particular friend usually get in such outings tells this person that some of the other girls think she ruins their chances meeting guys by saying stupid things. This plants a seed of doubt in the targets head that the gas lighter hopes will grow and multiply. In order to be effective it should be realistic and not too extreme…the idea is to plant a shred of doubt and let the target grow it internally into something bigger.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Disorientation
In this technique the gas lighter hopes to create a sense of disorientation that will make the target question their own memory. Examples of this are:
1. Switching around meeting times and appointments. 2. Meeting at a different location and then denying it was wrong. 3. Moving objects from one location to another.
Gas lighting 101- Techniques Revealed – Playing up your fears
In this technique the gas lighter simply hopes to awaken the targets own fears. Examples of this are:
1. “If I leave you will be homeless and broke.” 2. “You will never meet someone else.” 3. “You will lose everything.”
Gas lighting 101: Techniques Revealed – Questioning what you believe
Another method of gas lighting involves questioning the target. Examples of this are:
1. “Are you sure you want to do that?” 2. “Why are you doing it that way?” 3. “Wouldn't it be better if you did it this way instead?”
- Pierce The Darkness - (Excerpt 1)
Relationships with narcissists are unidirectional and transactional. They take and you give.
A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.
You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.
People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.
Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.
A narcissist that tires, gets bored or feels you will leave, attack or hurt them though will act first to try and remain in control. They will often seek to punish and make you pay. They will use the kids, take all the money, destroy your relationships, assassinate your character, try and have painted as the aggressor and quite possibly have YOU arrested or committed for abuse, false crimes or mental instability. Many people will believe the allegations or at the very least be unsure. Do not make the mistake of staying for the kids sake and think that the worst that will happen is that they will merely abuse you. They can do much more than that.
You can stick it out with a narcissist and if you continue to provide them with emotional supply, comfort and support they might let you stay. They will over time want more and more though and they will also give you less and less.
People are tools for narcissists...means to an end. People are either useful, not useful or a danger to be avoided, punished into submission, pushed away or destroyed. People are objectified. Those closest to them exploited, used and controlled. Everyone else is put to a use. Some in small ways, others in large.
Do not think that a narcissist is only the slick guy at the bar picking up every lady walking by either. Your narcissist could very well be dressed in high heels and skirt as well. It might be the respected PTA mom, pastor at your church or the towns most respected businessman.
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